Friday, November 27, 2015

Eating While Driving's A Distraction, But So Are Friends

UnCalvin: This is a dreadful idea.

Calvin: You've said that already. Pass the stuffing.

Clever Adolescent Panda (CAP): No! Do you want to get us all killed?

Calvin: For the 17th time, no. I just want some stuffing.

CAP: You are driving, in the middle of a rainstorm. This is not the time for foods that require utensils.

Deadpool: [I have a funnel. I normally use it for hot sauce, but if we use the opposite end of the serving spoon, we might be able to cram stuffing through it.]

Calvin: Hmm, sounds like it's worth a try. Funnel me!

UnCalvin and CAP: NO!

CAP: Why are we even doing this?

Calvin: Because I have to be on the road today, so there was no other way to do our day-after-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving.

Deadpool: [We could celebrate it in October, like we do in Canada. I'm Canadian, it would fit.]

Calvin: *turns to look back at Wade* You may have noticed this entire meal is leftovers from what my mom made, so unless you're going to cook, you can cram your Canuck holidays -

UnCalvin: Look out! *grabs wheel*

Calvin: Panda, UnCalvin's trying to kill us! Get her!

CAP: I think she was trying to keep you from killing us.

Calvin: Please, sideswiping a minivan wouldn't have killed us, and UnCalvin almost spilled the mashed potatoes.

Deadpool: [There are still mashed potatoes? Pass those over here.]

CAP: Sure, but let me get some of the pie.

UnCalvin: May I have the cranberries?

Calvin: Figures you'd like cranberries. At least that means plenty of dark meat for me, if someone will fork it over already.

UnCalvin: Not a chance, I hate white meat.

Calvin: What? Damn, normally those inconsistencies in the evil opposite thing work in my favor.

CAP: What is she doing here anyway?

Calvin: She's been living in my car for the last two months, 'cause she's too depressed to go back to the company she lost.

UnCalvin: That's a blatant falsehood! You called and invited me to this!

Calvin: Oh yeah.

Deadpool; [I could help you get your company back. It won't be cheap, but for an old friend, I'll sned my best stand-in.]

UnCalvin: I don't even rate the real Deadpool?

Calvin: At least don't give her Foolkiller.

CAP: Or Madcap.

UnCalvin: Or Solo.

Calvin: What happened to that guy? He used to be all, 'While I live, terror dies!' Now he's working for Wade.

Deadpool: [Higher visibility being linked to an A-list character like me. He's hoping to make an appearance in one of those Netflix series.]

CAP: *snorts*

Deadpool: [Yeah, he's delusional, but it works for me in the meantime. I'm a busy guy.]

Calvin: Killing zoning commissioners is time consuming.

CAP: Wade, you can't tamper with the zoning board!

Calvin: I dunno, we all want to kill zoning commissioners sometimes, especially crooked ones. Like that time they wouldn't let me build a 20-foot high brick wall with guard towers around my apartment building to keep the riffraff out.

UnCalvin: You never did that.

Calvin: Maybe I just dreamed doing it.

UnCalvin: Have a roll. *jams roll in Calvin's mouth* Now that he's shut up for a few minutes, let's discuss what we're thankful for. *pause* I've got nothing.

Deadpool: [I'm thankful for my meteoric rise to most beloved hero, a position I will never, ever lose in the hearts of the famously loyal citizens of the Marvel U - I'm completely screwed.]

Calvin: Like it was a demonstration at a Phillips convention.

CAP: At least you have us! We're your friends, right guys?

Calvin: Sure, why not? You haven't nerve struck me and stolen any of my stuff in years, that's close enough.

UnCalvin: I suppose, those that realization hardly improves my - AAAAAAAH!

Calvin: Sorry, that minivan cut me off. It doesn't even have its headlights on while using its wiper blades. Lawbreaker!

Deadpool: [Criminal activity? I'll handle it *draws machine pistol* Just let me lean out the window. . .]

CAP: No killing Wade!

Calvin: Let him, it's a minivan, they're only owned by devils, anyway.

Deadpool: [I'm just gonna shoot out a tire. They re-instituted that rule against Avengers killing with the reboot. Hawkeye wouldn't shut up about it.]

CAP: You don't think them going out of control when a tire blows on a wet highway at 65 miles an hour will kill them?

Deadpool: [Not if they know what they're doing!]

UnCalvin: Stop him, panda! I'm not trusting this buffoon driving to avoid a minivan careening out of control without wrecking us in the process!

Calvin: Hey, I'll have yo - *UnCalvin jams another roll in his mouth*

UnCalvin: Cram it.

*Much scuffling ensues. The panda has its teeth locked around Wade's trigger finger and is trying to use its bulk to pull him away from the window as it leans back. UnCalvin was trying to help drag Wade away by a leg, but was only succeeding in pulling his pants. Fortunately she decided to switch tactics before everyone went blind, but opted to reach across Calvin to roll up Wade's window, trapping his head outside. Wade, thinking Calvin was responsible, punched him in the back of the head, causing him to nearly choke on the roll. The coughing fit that followed sent the vehicle swerving about, making everyone stop fighting and start screaming. Well, Wade was already screaming about having a window closed on his neck, but you know what I mean. Calvin eventually gets the vehicle pulled over and under control.*

Calvin: All you jerks get the hell out or I'm busting your freakin' skulls!

*Brief pause, followed by incredulous laughter from all three of the passengers*

CAP: That's a good one.

UnCalvin: Indeed.

Deadpool: [Can someone open the window? My mask is getting soggy, and it's washing all the food stains out.]

Calvin: *grumbling* Fine, whatever. We're not moving now. Will someone pass me some food, that's not a roll?

CAP: Sure, have some pie.

Calvin: Great! Where's the Cool Whip?

CAP: *looks around* Er, splattered all over the back glass, and your wrench sets?

Calvin: What?! Aw, damn it. I should have just invited Makes Brakes Fail Lass and the Blender Furby.

UnCalvin: Here's an unopened container.

Calvin: *sniffs* That's, that's the nicest thing you've ever done for me.

CAP: I think your mom packed it.

Calvin: Yeah, but UnCalvin didn't hide it, which is pretty nice by her standards.

CAP: That's true.

Deadpool: [Yep.]

UnCalvin: I can be nice!

CAP: You rebuilt the Blender Furby as an assassination device.

UnCalvin: And positive reinforcement fitness machine!


SallyP said...

You know... there's an odd appeal to eating stuffing while driving.

CalvinPitt said...

I'll get around to trying it one of these days, I'm sure. I just need more helpful passengers.