And Now. . . The End!!!

Hey folks, it's me CalvinPitt! No really, it is. The guys rescued me, and they've gone home. Boy, what an adventure it was, full of wild twist-turns, acts of true heroism, and more than a little insanity. Now let us never speak of it again. So who wants to talk about mutants?!

What's that? You actually want to know how I was saved? Isn't it enough I was? You want to see it, not just be told about it? Fine, but keep two things in mind: 1) Technically, you're still being told about it, since I lack visual aids, and 2) there's no way it'll be as good as what you've imagined after what I said about it in the first paragraph. You've been warned.

Last time, Deadpool killed a possible mysterious benefactor, and was been less than successful at impersonating Calvin, while Adorable Baby Panda talked to the Great Panda Sages about other ways to travel between universes and find Calvin. Also, Calvin stumbled into another universe's version of a congressional hearing. And now. . .

Adorable Baby Panda: So, how did the Heroclix games go? Deadpool: Great. Really. No problems at all. Adorable Baby Panda: Well, good. I do appreciate that Wade. Deadpool: No problem, Baby-O. Who's the guy with you? I figured we were done with pink people. Adorable Baby Panda: The Panda Sages said we don't actually have to find Calvin ourselves. They said the person who sent him away has the power to bring him back. And he'll be easy to reach. Deadpool: Really? ABP: Sure, he exists in this universe, the same as you. Compared to searching the multiverse, this is a snap. You said you knew where to find the Overused Kirby Creation, so now we go there, beat him up, and make him bring Calvin back. Easy. Deadpool: And Pinky here can help? ABP: Sure, his ride can take us anywhere, you just need to tell us where to go. Deadpool: You sure we can trust him? ABP: Absolutely, he's one of the good guys. Right? Pinky: *splits into three individuals, does synchronized merry jig* Deadpool: Well, can't argue with that. Let's go!

Elsewhere. . .

Calvin: Ah, flying sharks! Why are there flying sharks? Who would dream of such madness?! Oh no, I'm trapped, it's going to. . . eat the grass? Oh-kay then. Of course, that probably means I should run from those squirrels. *squirrels bare rows of razor-sharp buck teeth* Yep, definitely should start running. At least this being lost in the multiverse is good exercise!

HI-YAAH! *door flies open* Deadpool: There he is, the true Overused Kirby Creation, Darkseid! Darkseid: Why have you intruded on Apokolips? ABP: *ignores Darkseid* Great, but why was he your fourth choice? Deadpool: Well, Mr. Miracle's been acting a little odd lately, and that Metron guy's always spying on people, trying to figure stuff out, I figured Calvin might have stumbled on something that Metron wouldn't want anyone else to know. That's how he feels special, by knowing everything. Darkseid: I have asked you a question. ABP: And Sleez? Deadpool: I figured a guy who directed an adult film with Superman and Barda would get used more often. ABP: *glares at him silently* Deadpool: Fine, I wanted to see if I could catch them in the middle of a shoot. Maybe even get a role. Weird how there was no one there. . .

Darkseid: Why are you here?! Deadpool: We'll ask the questions! Now where's your bathroom? That was a long trip! ABP: Worry about that later! Darkseid, you sent our friend somewhere, and we want him back! Or else! Deadpool: 'Or else'? We have got to work on your fight banter. It needs to be something like this: Woo-ha! Eat lead, Rocky! That's quite an impressive endowment you've got there. Not on par with Hercules, but maybe if you wore less restrictive clot- urk! *yellow caption box* Can't - breathe- Crushing neck- Must break free - for the baby panda! Who else will teach it how to yammer? *end yellow caption box* Darkseid: Why do you resist the inevitable? I am the will and the way. All will kneel before me. Deadpool: Going to be *kicks Darkseid in face* a little crowded *breaks sword on Darkseid's neck* if everyone's kneeling in front of you, don'tcha think? Who gets to be on front row? Baby-O, get ready to catch my head! And make you sure you put it back properly! ABP: What? Darkseid: *raises eyebrow* Deadpool: *uses other sword to decapitate self, body falls, head rolls* ABP: Gah! I got it, but this is really gross. *rushes over, reattaches head* Darkseid: What foolishness is this?! Adorable Baby Panda: That's it! We've got a "Kirby" creation of our own, and he's going to make you help us whether you like it or not! Get him, Kirby! Deadpool: Decapitation always makes me thirsty. Anybody got a bottled water? Maybe a juice box? Hey cowering minion over there, lead me to a soda machine! Then the bathroom. That Warp Star really jars the kidneys.

Kirby: *translated from Kirby's language of squeaks and assorted cute noises* Gotcha! *loud sucking noise* Darkseid: What is happeninnnng?! *vanishes inside Kirby's mouth* Kirby: *swallows, undergoes transformation which gives him eyes like the Lord of Apokolips* ABP: Hooray, now you've got his eyes, so you can use the Omega Effect to bring Calvin back! Kirby: *ignores ABP* ABP: Kirby? Kirbyseid: *deep booming voice* You will serve Kirbyseid. The combined power of our cuteness will erase the minds of all sentient beings, making them obedient servants to my will. ABP: What?! Deadpool: Good plan there. This is what your sages came up with? C'mon Pinky, you're too cute for this! If you don't stop being so dark you'll wind up like this *hands Kirbyseid Civil War; Frontline #10, the first appearance of Penance* Hey it got a reaction out of Squirrel Girl. Kirby: Noooooo! That's not meeee! Deadpool: Quick, do another merry jig, it'll help fight the darkness! Kirby: *does slow, staggering dance* It's so hard! Deadpool: Obviously, 'cause that was really more of a seizure than a jig. You need to move more like this *begins breakdancing* ABP: Quick, bring Calvin back, then you can get rid of Darkseid's essence! Kirby: I'll. . . try. *concentrates, Omega Effect fires off into abruptly appearing dimensional rift*

Elsewhere. . .

Calvin: Well, the civilization here may be one of deaf telepaths, whose brains operate on a frequency different from mine, thus rendering communication nigh-impossible, but at least they saved me from the squirrels. Say, what's that bright light? Oh hell, not aga - *hit by Omega Effect*

Back on Apokolips. . .
Calvin: - in! Hey, I'm back in that place where those guys were playing chess. ABP! What are you doing here? ABP: Deadpool and me came to save you! Good thing he found that trading card of Thanos in your place, or we might never have put it all together. Calvin: But I was here when I got zapped, and I had the card with me. How did it end up back at my place? *sound of slaves toiling, as there are nor chirping crickets on Apokolips* Calvin: Say, is that Kirby? ABP: Yup, he beat Darkseid single-handed. I think you can get rid of him now. Kirby: *concentrates, releases a star, loses the Darkseid eyes. The star bounces around for a few minutes, then vanishes* Calvin: So, does that mean Darkseid is dead? Because if so, way to go Kirby! Just don't let it turn you into an anti-hero. Kirby: *shakes head* I'm not going to be dark. it makes you stupid. Deadpool: Oh, feel so much better. What'd I miss? Hey, good to see you're back! *punches Calvin in the ribs* Calvin: Oof! What was that for? Deadpool: Sorry meant to hit you in the shoulder, but my aim's a little off. I don't think Baby-O here reattached my head quite right. Calvin: Yeah, it does look a little off-center. Well, what say we go home, and I'll help you fix it while we eat pancakes? ABP: Sounds like a plan! Hop on the Warp Star! Calvin: That doesn't look real safe. Deadpool: It's not. That's what makes it fun! Now come on, you're buying us pancakes! Calvin: I never said I was buying! Deadpool: *unholsters gun* You want to disappear more permanently this time? ABP: Oh, Deadpool! *everyone throws back their head and laughs*

Omniscient Narrator: And then Darkseid regained his corporeal form and our heroes jumped on the Warp Star and fled before he got up to full-strength. Of course, Deadpool first surrounded Darkseid with explosives. Darkseid was unharmed, but it was amusing when the floor collapsed under him and he continued falling through the lower levels. Some times old-time cartoon humor is the best, you know? And yes, Calvin bought everyone pancakes. That Kirby can really put them away for such a small guy. he's got the metabolism of a shrew, I tells ya.

Calvin: So that's the story. What do you think? Was it as horrible as you feared? Well just remember it was worse for me living through it. All this getting zapped hither and yon has given me a nasty headache, and I'm still trying to remember that squirrels aren't carnivorous on this world. Oh, and I apologize for the utter lack of female roles. I don't write good roles for women. Or guys. Or anthropomorphic pandas. Or little pink guys. Or. . . well, you get the idea. Good night, everybody! Back to our usual content tomorrow!