Where'd He Go?

Hey, have any of you seen Calvin? I got here today and he's not around. I can't find him anywhere. I guess I'm on my own today. It just won't be as fun if I can't tease him. I better wrap this up fast, then try and track him down.

So hugs first, I guess. Mayday probably needs a Hug, since Hobgoblin used her as a bid in a bad guy auction. Booster and Blue Beetle need some Hugs, because they're about to get attacked by stupid OMAC things. I think Nova's past self needs a Hug after the way that girl took him to the basket. Rich, you have to move your feet, get in front of her, take the charge. At least, that's what Bill Walton said. All the people on the Suicide Squad that are getting betrayed get Hugs, because they aren't in a very good place to get betrayed. And I think Rictor needs a Hug, because Rahne just left him a letter. Probably better give Jamie a Hug too. He was acting a little stressed.

I guess Present Day Nova deserves Applause for not dying yet. And some Applause for the girl who scored the basket on Rich. Attack the basket and you either get an easy shot or some free throws, just like Bill Walton said. Or was it Jeff van Gundy? Uh, and Maybe Eiling can have some Applause for outsmarting Amanda Waller. I heard that's hard to do. Or was it that's it's isn't a good idea? Rictor gets Applause for standing up to that pimp, and Guido gets Applause for helping Rictor. This feels wrong. I ought to be working on finding Calvin, but I need help. Wade! *teleportation sound* [Can this wait? I was playing strip poker with my coworkers!] Calvin's missing, you have to help me find him! Search for clues! [What are you going to do?] I have to finish this post, then I'll help you. It's what Calvin would want. [But what if he's being tortured in some hell dimension? Don't you think he'd want us to find him?] How can you say that? Don't even think it! Just get looking!

Bonks for the Hobgoblin for being evil, naturally. Bonks for Parallax and Extant for trying to kill Booster and the Beetles, and another Bonk for Parallax for saying mean things about them. Bonk for Mike for picking on Past Nova. Flash Thompson ought to show him how a real bully does it! Bonk for General Eiling, and his little partner in crime. I know they're evil too, but a general really ought to know better than to betray his troops in the middle of a battle. And finally, Bonk for Monet for smashing that I-Phone. Yes she can afford more, but it was just mean, and she could have made someone cry. [Who did Monet make cry? Better not be Theresa, or I'll style Regina Rich's hair with some high explosives.] She didn't make anyone cry, I just said she could have! Have you found anything? [Yeah, hurry up!] Fine! Bonk for Rahne for leaving for stupid reasons instead of letting her friends help her. Now what did you find?

[Well, I found this Thanos trading card from '92, where you can clearly see his impressive metal codpiece. And I found a set of X-Men series 2 cards. Hey, there's me! Man I was ripped back then, those Joe Mad steroid treatments really paid off. Too bad about mah boys, though. They still haven't recovered.] * BONK!* Focus! [Ahh! OK! So we got the Thanos card, and his last post has lots of ravings about time travel, jumping universes, and cliche shadowy figures who are manipulating everything. Looks like he confronted one going by the screen name 'Overused Kirby Creation'. You know what that means.] What? [Ta find him, we've gotta travel through all sorts of eerily similar, yet different parallel universes, in a series of pointless one-shots designed to showcase new characters so that the fans will care when they die in the next one-shot.] Fans? [It's a 4th Wall thing, not to be confused with a Source Wall thing. Just go with it. All we need now is a visit from a total stranger with uncertain motives to offer assistance. Where is that guy?]

Idiotic Pink Guy: Greetings. I, who you have never met before, will help you find Calvin Pitt, for reasons I will not elaborate on until a moment when it will provide a properly shocking betray - I mean, because he is important to the continued existence of this world and every other. *eyes dart back and forth*

Deadpool: It's about time! But first, can you drop me off in a universe where that version of me is married to Bea Arthur, so I can kill him and take his place?

To be continued!