Last time, on Reporting on Marvels and Legends. . .
Idiotic Pink Guy: Greetings. I, who you have never met before, will help you find Calvin Pitt, for reasons I will not elaborate on until a moment when it will provide a properly shocking betray - I mean, because he is important to the continued existence of this world and every other *eyes dart back and forth*
Deadpool: It's about time! But first, can you drop me off in a universe where that version of me is married to Bea Arthur, so I can kill him and take his place?
Adorable Baby Panda: Why did you just repeat yourselves? Deadpool: It's a recap page thing. Roll with it. Idiotic Pink Guy: Shall we go? Deadpool: Sure. BLAM! Adorable Baby Panda: What are you doing?! He was going to help us! Look at him, he's really hurting! Deadpool: The mysterious guy is always evil. I thought you read comics. Wait, he's not dead? Idiotic Pink Guy: My eye! Why did you shoot me in my {expletive deleted} eye!? Deadpool: Hey, watch your language, there are babies present! BLAM! My guns only go "blam" in this universe? Weak sauce. Adorable Baby Panda: Stop shooting him already! Idiotic Pink Guy: My other eye! You shot me in my other eye! Oh, this hurts a lot! Deadpool: Shooty-shooty isn't working. Time for stabby-stabby. Maybe a little boomy-boomy. Better look away kid, this'll be ugly.
*several stabs wounds, attempted decapitations, extra-dimensional energy blasts, and grenade explosions later*
Deadpool: Wow, that evil guy fought really well for not having any eyes. Fried my foot off. Adorable Baby Panda: Great. I'm glad you had fun. But now how are we going to find Calvin? Deadpool: Maybe Weasel's Penatraitor armor could help. . . Hey, let go of my hand! Don't stick it there, or my foot'll grow over it! ABP: Quiet! The Penatraitor armor? The thing that sent you hurtling through time, uncontrolled? No way are we using that! You are going to stop doing anything I don't tell you to do! Deadpool: So what should I do? ABP: Use an image inducer to imitate Calvin, while I talk to the Great Panda Sages about a way to cross dimensions. Deadpool: So, how do I imitate Calvin? ABP: Do the stuff he would normally do, respond to comments on his blog, and make some new posts. Now go play Heroclix at the comic store. Calvin said he was going to go, you have to keep the promise. Deadpool: You got the services of a super-cool merc like me, and you've got me playing games? CHOMP! OK, OK! I'll go!
{Later} Deadpool: Can't believe this, pretending to be a nerd, shoulda asked Weas to do it instead. Or maybe Bob. OK, I have to be Calvin. Better get into character. *opens door* Greetings comic shop proprietor, it is I, Calvin Pitt, here to play Hero Clix like I said I would whenever I said I would do that! Ken: Calvin, you OK man? Deadpool: Of course, whatever gave you that idea?! I'm just really excited! See the noticeable bulge in my pants?! Hi kids! *begins playing* What do you mean an attack of 9 with a roll of 2 hurts me? Let me roll again! Screw your tokens, let me roll again! *draws gun* (inner monologue) Wait, would Calvin shoot people over a game? Probably not, but I might. Then again, there's that baby panda to consider. Sharp teeth on that little bugger. *shudders, holsters gun* (end inner monologue) Dreadfully sorry about the loss of temper, chap. Please, let's continue the game. Hey, I hit you? I killed Batman and Robin? Woohoo, I rule! *dances on table, drops trousers* Kiss my bazoo!
Elsewhere. . .
Calvin: Why do I have the feeling I'll never be allowed back in the comic store again? And where am I? Hmm, no trees, lots of grass, very flat. I've landed in Kansas. Well, could be worse. Oh, why did I say that? Previously Unused Omniscient Narrator: And then a great beast rose from the grass. The aged for its kind, it had grown considerably in its later years, and was still a feared predator. It had the head of Roger Clemens and well, Calvin really lost any ability to discern details after noticing that. But lo, the beast was pursued, by villagers wearing suits. Some held torches and pitchforks, while others wielded pens and commemorative stationary, hats, and baseballs. And they did speak all at once, in an unintelligible babble, at great volume, making it unclear as to their true purpose, though the masses watching from the periphery probably had something to do with it. It was enough to drive a man mad. Fortunately, Calvin could only have heard half of it if he had still been there, and he wasn't still there, having run perpendicular to the direction the beast was going the moment he saw it, which soon enough lead him clear of the whole mess. Calvin: Boy, I sure hope there's a pair of wacky do-gooders working out a contrived way to save me as we speak.
{Come back tomorrow as this gets wrapped up in a wholly unsatisfying manner, at a slapdash pace, and without the slightest bit of sense to the plot developments! It'll be just like Countdown! Only much, much cheaper.}
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3 comments:
You know, this is making perfect sense to me. I say this as a man who has been sporting a 102 degree fever all week and watched the entirity of the Roger Clemens hearing on Wednesday.
Calvin, I don't know what it is that you are smoking, but I know that I want some.
jason: If this headache I've got is any indication, I may be in the same shape soon. I think the story is corroding my brain. Not a surprise really. just too much awesome.
sallyp: I never smoke. I just snort Mountain Dew directly up my nose. The pain of burning sinuses opens my mind.
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