A Charged Confrontation

{Pollock sits behind her desk in office, stack of papers spread before her. But her pen doesn't move, and the eyes that appear to be studying a monthly budget report are unfocused. Her air is that of a person waiting.}

Pollock: *muttering* Come on already, you devious. . .

{Three soft raps against her door. Consider the shoe dropped.}

Gruff Voice Behind the Door: Security check, Commandant.

Pollock: *a long sigh* Come in, dolt.

{The door remains shut.}

Pollock: *a longer sigh* Come in, Calvin.

Calvin: *enters the room, one hand behind his back* Don't worry, one of these days you'll remember to actually use my name when you want me to do something.

Pollock: *deadpan* Jump out the window, Calvin.

Calvin: *rolls his eyes* Just because you want it, doesn't mean you'll get it.

Pollock: That's hardly incentive for me to use your name, then.

Calvin: Well, you'll never know if I'm feeling self-destructive unless you try.

{Calvin steps farther into the room, peering into all corners. Pollock raises one hand, while the other slides to a desk drawer.}

Pollock: Hold it!

Calvin: *stops moving* So, how'd you know I wasn't your head of security?

Pollock: Was that a serious impersonation? That didn't sound a thing like him!

Calvin: How would I know? I don't think the guy's ever said two words to me.

Pollock: *frowns* That can't be right. Can it? Well, I suppose it's usually the panda or Deadpool he's contending with. . .

Calvin: That's right! I've never blown up one of your bathrooms.

Pollock: I don't like the way you said that.

Calvin: *resumes surveying the room, hand still behind his back* So, no security-slash-drug plants?

Pollock: *leans back in her chair, one hand still out of sight behind the desk* We're reworking those to focus more heavily on the pharmaceutical aspects. People still prefer bullets for security, but drugs are always popular.

Calvin: Yeah, people do like shooting things, but the drug market's pretty crowded. Lots of cheap weed out there.

Pollock: *sighs* Enough stalling. I know you're not really interested in my latest products.

Calvin: I could be, if they were something cooler than drugs.

Pollock: Where is the panda? Don't try and tell me they've outgrown this.

Calvin: Nope, they definitely haven't. *grins* Not sure where they are, though.

Pollock: *eyebrow twitches and she hits the intercom* To all employees, the panda is on the premises. We are initiating Arc Protocol, follow procedure and move to the nearest shelter.

Calvin: You're going to flood the place?!

Pollock: Not that kind of ark.

{A quick sweep of the security cameras shows all employees within safe zones. Pollock flips a switch and a hum fills the hallway outside her office.}

Calvin: Oh, that kind of arc. *eyes bug out* You're gonna electrocute them?! Wait, you modified your building to be able to electrocute people?!

Pollock: It's not that severe a shock. Just something to slow them down.

{There's a surprised yelp from somewhere in the building. Followed by a gasp and the sound of something very large crashing through cubicle walls.}

Pollock: I thought they'd react with a little less panic.

{Flips the switch back to its original position. The hum fades.}

Calvin: How did the city building inspector approve that?!

Pollock: I bribed the zoning board to classify this as an agricultural structure. Different rules on wiring.

Calvin: I, I can't even pretend to be aghast. Making drugs, bribing zoning boards, what kind of lame, buttoned-up villainy is this?

Pollock: You don't want deathtraps, but you complain about bureaucratic manipulation! Make up your mind!

Calvin: *raises one hand in a calming gesture* OK, OK, that's fair. Sorry, you're right. Rigging your entire building into some kind of electric weapon is pretty cool.

Pollock: *brings her other hand out from behind the desk, holding a gun, which she aims at Calvin.* Now, let me see what you're hiding. Slowly. This fires a buzzsaw blade.

Calvin: At least you're taking inspiration from the classics.

{Calvin brings his other hand into view. It's holding an unmarked pink box. One of Pollock's eyebrows rises.}

Pollock: *warily* Open it.

{Calvin swings the lid open. He starts to tilt the box towards Pollock.}

Pollock: *jabs the gun towards Calvin menacingly* Not so fast!

Calvin: How else are you going to see what's in it?

Pollock: I'll come to - no, that's a bad idea. *begins muttering to herself* Maybe I can angle a mirror? No, I'll be distracted. A drone? No, I'd need both hands to steer it. *louder* Tell me what it is.

Calvin: *very sarcastically* It's a special fart bomb the panda cooked up to stinkify your entire office.

Pollock: Damn it, I'm pretty sure you're joking, but I can't put it past you juveniles. I - 

{The office door opens. Chief of Security Androzier sticks his head in.}

Androzier: Boss - 

Calvin: Wow, I was way off. I thought you sounded like Judge Dread, or some old mountain man who gargles gravel.

Androzier: *takes a step into the room* What? *looks at Pollock* Did he switch bodies with Deadpool? Is this a Code Periwinkle?

Pollock: No, nothing like that. Chief, I need you to tell me what's in that box. *glares at Calvin* Do not shout, "What's in the box?!"

Calvin: Party-pooper.

Androzier: *still confused, takes another step inside* It looks like a cake. I need to update you - 

Calvin: Why he's barefoot? Is this some weird connectedness initiative you've got going?

Pollock: It's part of the Arc Protocol. *glares at Androzier* But you're supposed to put your boots back on after.

Androzier: They chafe when I don't have socks!

Calvin: Why doesn't he have socks? Are you taking away socks as some sort of punishment for bad employees?

Pollock: *at Calvin* Of course not, and he is an exemplary employee! *to Androzier* When he's not forgetting he's supposed to have an extra pair of socks on hand!

Androzier: I apologize deeply, Commandant, but I really need to update you - 

{The loud crashing noises have begun moving closer. And closer. And closer.}

Pollock: *buries her face in her hand* Oh no.

{Clever Adolescent Panda barrel rolls through the wall. Their fur stands on end, making them appear like a gigantic, black-and-white sea urchin. Stuck to them are all varieties of socks, as well as several sweaters, a fleece hoodie with the local high school mascot grinning on it, and an afghan blanket. The latter of which is being held at the other end by a determined young woman.}

Pollock: Belinda, let go of the afghan! You know panda-related injuries are difficult to explain to the health insurance!

{The panda keeps gripping socks, but the clothing simply static clings to another part of their body.}

Clever Adolescent Panda: Get them off me!

Belinda: This was my nana's, I'm not letting some furball steal it!

Androzier: This is what I wanted to mention. All the rolling keeps building up fresh charge. The containment fields couldn't withstand that and all this mass moving at this speed.

Pollock: Damn. We need to siphon the charge all at once, with some long metal object. *glances at her sword* Well, a true genius finds ways to turn all setbacks to their advantage.

Calvin: No stabbing my friend!

{Calvin sets down the cake, then rushes over to seize one of Clever Adolescent Panda's hands. With his other hand, he grabs hold of a steel lamp near the window. The bulb flares like a supernova before every light goes dark. All the socks and other stuff fall off Clever Adolescent Panda. Calvin flies off like he was shot from a cannon. With the afghan loose, Belinda is flung across the room, Pollock narrowly keeping her from going splat against the wall.}

Pollock: *sets Belinda down* You violated protocol.

Belinda: But that damn panda. . .

Pollock: Yes, I know, but the protocol is there for a reason. *looks around the room* Well, that tripped the surge protectors into shutdown. Chief, start up Epiphany Protocol until we get them re-set.

Androzier: *salutes* What about - ? *gestures at Clever Adolescent Panda, who is slowly rolling to their feet*

Clever Adolescent Panda: Where's Calvin? *sees the broken window* Oh no! Calvin!

Calvin: *sprawled in the parking lot, lightly broiled* Have I mentioned before how glad I am your new building is one story tall?

Pollock: I think they're under control.

{The Chief of Security guides Belinda out of their boss' office and begins shouting orders. Everyone pulls a plant out from under what's left of their desks and someone plays a few airy notes on a flute. All the plants begin to emit a pleasant glow.}

Pollock: Well, I think this is where the two of you run home with your tails between your legs.

Clever Adolescent Panda: *scoops up Calvin and throws him across their back* Yeah, well, enjoy that broken window and all the smashed cubicles!

Pollock: I will, as soon as I enjoy the security footage of your panicked flailing!

{Pollock laughs haughtily as the panda shuffles away, before noticing the cake is still sitting in its box on the floor.}

Pollock: Hmmm. *approaches warily* They aren't here to throw it. If it was spring-loaded it would have launched when he opened the box. *leans over the box* If there was some sort of trigger mechanism, it would have gone off from all that electric discharge.

{Pollock reaches in and lifts out the cake}

Pollock: Maybe the prank is the dolt made it himself? No, that would almost qualify as poison, a little too severe for them. . .

{Abruptly, the cake swells up, and Pollock belatedly remembers their last visit, with the plants that reacted to heat.}

Pollock: Damn - 

{There's a muffled *whoom* and Pollock finds herself covered in a mixture of whipped cream and raisins.}

Pollock: Did they just use whatever he had in the kitchen? *gathers some whipped cream on one finger* Well, at least it's edible.