Silent Fools

*Calvin and Clever Adolescent Panda approach Calvin's apartment building.*

CAP: *sets a bucket on the ground below Calvin's balcony* So you finished Now and Then, Here and There?

Calvin: Yeah, it was about as depressing as I remembered. Although I thought 6 of the 8 characters in the opening credits died, and it's actually only 5.

CAP: That's something.

Calvin: Yeah, but I'm not sure I'm happy Abelia survived. Hamdo was a bastard, but he was also a useless idiot. She was the one who made everything actually work.

CAP: Oh. Maybe she'll reform and do better.

Calvin: One could hope, but evidence of such personal improvement is thin on the ground in our world. *pauses at the door* So, you ready for whatever Pollock's got planned?

CAP: *pumps fist* You know it!

*Calvin unlocks the door. It swings open. Human and panda freeze in the doorway*

CAP: I wasn't ready for this.

Calvin: Who would be?

*Calvin's living room is full of people wearing headphones, doing Irish folk dance in their sock feet. None of the dancers acknowledge the two arrivals, simply continuing to jump and thump their heels against his carpet in perfect synchronization.*

Pollock: *steps out of the kitchen* Do you enjoy my present?

Calvin: No.

CAP: What is it?

Pollock: Silent Riverdance.

CAP: Huh? 

Pollock: I heard that the dolt's DJ friend sometimes participates in "silent disco", where everyone listens to the music through headphones while dancing. It's a similar concept.

Calvin: But there are three DJs in a silent disco, so the audience can switch their headphones between the different channels and dance to whatever they like best!

CAP: *watching the dancers* Yeah, this seems like it requires a lot of coordination.

Pollock: Astute observation, Accursed Furball.

Calvin: *pinches the bridge of his nose* I, I, just, *soul-deep sigh of exhaustion* why?

Pollock: Why what?

Calvin: Usually you at least have some half-baked notion about making money off your pranks. Silent disco works because people pay money to come listen and dance to different music and see what the DJs mix and how well they do it. None of that is present here! *gestures emphatically at the dancers with both hands*

Pollock: This is entertainment you hire to watch, not participate in.

Calvin: Who wants Riverdance without the sound of the heels clopping on the wood floors? People like noise!

Pollock: Not people prone to migraines. Should they be deprived of the joy of this cultural dance sensation? 

CAP: You don't like noise, either.

Calvin: Whose side are you on?!

CAP: *backs away* Easy.

Pollock: *sniffs haughtily* I thought you'd be happy. I'm pivoting away from weapons design and energy development towards entertainment.

CAP: Really? *suspicious* Why?

Pollock: There's no future in those fields. Humanity is cooked. So the best thing to do is capitalize on the human instinct to ignore such grim truths by offering distractions in exchange for money. I'm considering starting a series of escape room venues where you can either pay to play, or pay to watch other people play through a two-way mirror. You get to laugh at their failures and stupidity, letting you feel superior without ever getting off your pimpled duff!

CAP: That just sounds like a game show.

Pollock: Yes, but the people playing can pay an extra fee to see the recording of what their audience said, in case they want to get revenge. And for an additional fee, they can rent a room specifically to enact that revenge. We're going to offer a variety of weapons.

Calvin: For an additional fee.

Pollock: You think it's cheap getting an authentic spear made of walrus tusk ivory?

CAP: You leave the walruses alone!

Calvin: Yeah, isn't it bad enough they have to go through life looking like that? All wrinkled and those goofy whiskers and big teeth. . .

CAP: Don't bodyshame them!

Pollock: The panda is right. I only buy walrus ivory from people who use the whole animal.

Calvin: Use it for what?

Pollock: How should I know? I'm in the entertainment business, not raising livestock.

Calvin: It's great to see your sleaze game hasn't lost its fastball, but can you get this out of my apartment before the floor gives way?

Pollock: I suppose, but first I need you to fill out this online survey about our service.

Calvin: My phone can't do that.

Pollock: I'm afraid it's required.

CAP: You can use mine. *hands over phone*

Pollock: But first you'll have to create an account.

Calvin: Password required?

Pollock: At least one number, symbol and capital letter.

Calvin: G-e-t-F-u-c-

Pollock: As long as it meets the requirements.

Calvin: It says system update required.

Pollock: Oh, you must need to update the app. It'll only take a few hours. We're so popular, it really slows down our servers.

Calvin: Nuts to this. *tosses phone back to CAP and stalks past the dancers towards his room* 

CAP: Doesn't that kind of thing increase the likelihood of bad reviews?

Pollock: It's fine, I have five employees dedicated to creating fake accounts and spamming 5-star glowing reviews.

CAP: At least you're not using bots.

Pollock: Of course not! Lit majors come much cheaper. Need less water than cooling towers, too.

CAP: I think you're overdo to get beat up. 

Calvin: No, we're way past the beating stage.

*Calvin steps back in the living room carrying a rifle. The folk dancers begin dancing in unison towards the door*

Pollock: Now hold on, that's a little extreme.

Calvin: Why? You tried really hard to kill me once. With a sword. And armed goons. More than once, honestly. Turnabout's fair play.

Pollock: *backing away* But not on April Fools! That's not the spirit of these things!

CAP: Can't we just hit Pollock with a pie instead?

Calvin: I have no pie. I have nothing in the fridge suitable for hitting someone in the face -

Pollock: He really doesn't, I checked. 

Calvin: - unless you want to use a frozen brick of cornbread. Besides, we did the cake thing last year. And eggs the year before. And pies not too long before that.

CAP: Because it's classic!

Calvin: So is shooting people.

Pollock: Alright, I'm sensing some dissatisfaction with the Silent Riverdance idea. How about this instead: Silent Rodeo.

*Clever Adolescent Panda and Calvin both pause*

CAP: How would that even work?

Pollock: *bullshitting* Well, it's still in the developmental stage. We're considering covering the audiences' ears, so they can only see what's happening in the arena, and have to imagine the screams of pain. Or we'll gag the riders and hold the competition in a mud or jello wrestling pit, for softer, quieter landings.

CAP: That just sounds weird.

Calvin: *lowers the rifle* Yeah, I don't think that's viable as a business.

Pollock: But it got your guard down! Hah!

*Pollock dashes onto the balcony and leaps over the rail. Her right foot lands in the bucket. And won't come out.*

Pollock: What the hell?

CAP: Glue! I told you it would work!

Calvin: *high-fives CAP* When you're right, you're right. 

CAP: Good luck driving your rental car with that on your foot!

Pollock: That's fine! I'll just catch a ride with the dancers! *looks around, sees the van pulling onto the street* Wait up!

One of the dancers: We're off the clock, boss. We're hittin' a bar.

Pollock: I'll pay you overtime to drive me home!

I'm not naming this guy: OK, pile in.We want to run some ideas for the performance past you.

Pollock: *grimacing* Oh, you have notes. Delightful. . . 

Calvin: Wow, Pollock pays overtime. Maybe I should apply for a job there.

CAP: You want to work for your nemesis?

Calvin: If it meant I could retire sooner? Probably. 

It's Time to Get Stuffed

Narrator: ON A CHILLY MORNING, MEAL PREPARATIONS CONTINUE IN CALVIN'S APARTMENT!

Calvin: *stirring a big pot* He's right, it's definitely a "chili" morning.

Clever Adolescent Panda: I don't think your recipe is spicy enough to be chili.

Calvin: *gasps* How dare you insult my father's recipe. *raises the oversize wooden spoon* En garde!

CAP: *backs away* Wait, get a weapon that isn't covered in food! I don't want stains in my fur!

Calvin: *jabs the spoon towards the panda* Renounce your heresy first! 

Rhodez: *chilling on the couch* I like his dad's chili.

Calvin: Thank you. *still jabbing the spoon at the retreating panda*

Cassanee: *staring out the sliding door* Spilling chili on the floor.

*Calvin shrieks and grabs paper towels, in the process dripping more chili on the linoleum. Meanwhile, a knock at the door.*

Rhodez: *answering the door* Yo, Pollock.

Pollock: I heard a scream, don't tell me one of you decided to kill Calvin when I wasn't here to see it?

Rhodez: Nah, they're just arguing about Calvin's chili and it got messy. 

Cassanee: Play-fighting. 

Pollock: Don't be so sure. Disputes about chili can turn violent. *casts a hopeful glance towards the kitchen* Did it? Turn violent? Is that why Calvin's on the floor?

CAP: I wouldn't hit Calvin -

*The panda notices Calvin looking at him with an extremely unimpressed stare, and remembers various Bonks to the Head delivered over the years*

CAP: That hard.

Calvin: Yeah, Panda Claus only brings gifts to good little CEOs, if such a thing exists.

Cassanee: Panda Claus?

Calvin: Sure! Big, jolly, hairy chin and jowls, doesn't take crap from evildoers?

Rhodez: *looks at CAP* Is he talking about you?

CAP: Maybe. I don't take crap from evildoers.

Calvin: Anyway, the chili *glares at CAP* is ready, and I managed to actually make some decent home fries. And, I remembered I have the extra sleeve for the table, so we can all fit around it like semi-civilized people!

CAP: I brought a salad, and those potato-flour doughnuts you told me about. Isn't that too many potatoes?

Calvin, Rhodez, Cassanee: No such thing.

CAP: *a little stunned* Ohhhhhhhh. . .kay.

Pollock: *scoffs* If it's starches they want, I brought a fine alfredo pasta, and a white bean puree. Also wine, but that's just for me.

Cassanee: Cornbread and deer steaks.

Rhodez: Taco pizza! So much taco pizza!

*Everyone eyes the stack of 10 pizza boxes, as well as Rhodez's feral expression* 

Calvin: Is any of it for us, or are you planning to take it all back to America's Cro - America's Elbow?

Rhodez: Sure, you guys can have one.

CAP: One pizza, or one slice?

Rhodez: *shrugs* I don't know, man, we'll see. I brought some good soda, too, since Calvin buys Pepsi.

Calvin: Not this year! I've embraced being a Wine Bachelor! *extends his glass* Top me off, Pollock!

Pollock: *clutches the bottle fearfully* Not a chance! This is for when you start giving thanks!

Cassanee: Wine Bachelor?

Rhodez: Is that a thing?

Calvin: If there can be Wine Moms, why not Wine Bachelors? 

Pollock: *eyes Calvin speculatively* You know what? Fine. I want to see this.

*Pollock pours Calvin some wine. Calvin swirls the liquid ostentatiously, then sniffs at it a few times. Then swirls it some more. Another sniff. more swirling.* 

Pollock: Well? Go ahead, "wine bachelor."

Calvin: Wooo! *He downs the entire glass in one gulp. His body convulses, head twisting slowly to the side like it's on a spring. His face twists into a grimace* That is vile.

*Clever Adolescent Panda snickers. Pollock extends the bottle.*

Pollock: More for the wine bachelor?

Calvin: *expression still pinched* Sure, just *exhales loudly* haaah, gotta cut it with something. Can I get one of those sodas, Rhodez? Gonna see if I can make a "wine-and-root beer" the new trendy drink.

*The 4 guests recoil. Pollock corks the bottle.*

Pollock: I will feed you another cake that makes you capable of vibrating through the walls of reality, thereby killing us all, before I let you make such a liquid abomination.

Narrator: AFTER EATING!

Calvin: *sprawled on the floor* I'm glad I ran til I puked this morning, 'cause I got a hunch I ain't moving for a while.

Pollock: *slumped in her chair* You. . .just lack impulse. . .control.

CAP: *seated in the corner of the room, only upright thanks to the walls* I saw you undo your belt halfway through.

Pollock: *embarrassed* Calvin's suggestion to mix soda with wine just broke my will for a few minutes, that's all! When i returned to myself, I'd already eaten - 

Cassanee: *curled in the camp chair* 4 donuts.

Rhodez: And one of my pizzas *pulls herself off the couch long enough to glare, then falls back again*

Calvin: So, are we doing the thanks bit this year?

CAP: Of course!

Pollock: But Calvin can't go yet. I need to room in my stomach for the wine I'll need. 

Calvin: *staring at the ceiling* Whatever. Rhodez, you want to kick it off?

Rhodez: Huh? Uh, OK. I got a bigger, better apartment this year, and a cat. He's really cool. I got a big bonus for extending my contract, even if taxes took a stupid big chunk of it - 

Pollock: *sits up, looking alarmed* Taxes? Are we still paying those?

Calvin: Not you, oh mighty job creator.

Pollock: Whew. *slides back down in the chair*

Rhodez: Yeah, I still gotta pay taxes, but maybe by the time this contract runs out, the job market will be better. And my truck didn't wrecked this year, so you know, that's cool.

Calvin: Because you were smart enough not to drive when Florida got snow.

Rhodez: Damn right. *brief pause* That's what I got.

Calvin: Am I going now?

Pollock: No. Let the Cassanee regale us with the high point of her social calendar, the big hoedown by the outhouse.

CAP: *growls* Don't be mean. . .

Cassanee: No hoedown. No outhouses, either.

Pollock: My goodness, you just go right out in the - THWACK! *a tennis ball hits Pollock in the head* 

CAP: Thanks, Calvin!

Calvin: *still on his back, offers a thumbs up*

Cassanee: *smiles* Too much rain earlier in the year, none later, but we controlled the flood damage. Did have a lot of canoe trips. Beat up an ogre that emerged from the Dark Caves.

Calvin: Aren't all caves kinda dark?

Cassanee: Not like this.

CAP: It's a supernatural thing, right? Bad experiences that manifest as a force that eats light?

Cassanee: *shrugs* Probably. Two friends got married. Nice ceremony, but raccoons tried to steal the cake. Big mess, but fun. 

CAP: Neat. Not the raccoons trying to steal the cake, but the rest of it sounded good. I had a quiet year. I helped five lost spirits find peace, beat up two angry ones that were terrorizing people. Although one of them was haunting the person who killed them, but I proved it and got them arrested, so that counts as helping a lost spirit, too. I came up with a recipe for bamboo croquets that my family really loved! I don't think they're edible for humans, though, sorry.

Pollock: Perhaps Calvin could invite Deadpool next year as a test dummy.

Calvin: His next ongoing is being written by Benjamin Percy, so there's not a chance in hell of that. Keep going, panda pal.

CAP: I almost have wall jumps figured out, so I can scale buildings that way.

Calvin: Can't you just climb them using your claws?

CAP: Yeah, but that's not as cool-looking.

Rhodez: I don't know, it'd be pretty cool, you hauling yourself up a building like that. Bad ass.

CAP: I guess, but it's also slower. I want to be fast!

Calvin: A fast panda. Sonic the Panda.

Pollock: Hmm, I smell marketing opportunities.

CAP: *huffs* More like trademark infringement. Which of you is next?

Calvin: Well, you got room for wine now?

Pollock: *picks up the bottle and eyes it* . . .Yes. Go ahead and depress us. *Takes a long drink*

Calvin: Uh, well, work's been a pain in the ass for a variety of reasons, but I'm hoping things are coming together so I won't have to carry such a big load next year. Between the new guy being trained, fewer issues with the software, and one of my coworkers hopefully no longer teaching 2 days a week, other people might actually do some inspections!

CAP: This is an awful angry start.

Calvin: Right, yeah. OK, moving on. There haven't been any real bad things at home, so it's remained a peaceful refuge. I went on a trip with Alex across the eastern U.S. and onto the Atlantic Ocean, which was fun. Boston was much better to walk through than drive, but interesting to see. I would have liked to see more of Portland, and I learned 3 days on a cruise ship is probably my max, but it was a really good experience all around, and it seemed to pick up Alex's spirits. And we each got some art prints out of it, which Alex will probably at least get his framed and up on the wall at some point. Let's leave it there.

Pollock: That was. . .surprisingly positive.

Calvin: It's just your wine goggles.

CAP: No, it was. I'm proud of you. I knew you could be positive if you tried!

Calvin: Don't hug me or I might throw up again after all. Pollock.

Pollock: It has been a challenging economic climate, with the inconsistent tariffs and inconsistent economic messaging. Fortunately, we've made some real breakthroughs on perpetual motion as it relates to generating power for railguns.

CAP: Really?

Pollock: Indeed. We've even miniaturized them into handheld units suitable for riot control and, *becoming evasive* things of that nature.

Calvin: Pollock, are you seriously selling weapons to a wannabe dictator?

Rhodez: That's pretty shitty, even for you. 

Pollock: Relax, the weapons don't actually work at all. Quality control is very poor with this administration, as is any concept of physics or any other science. I could sell them a Super-Soaker filled with the fluid from glowsticks and convince them it was a magnet gun or some sort of neural disruptor. I'm just getting in on the grift while the getting is good! No one is getting hurt!

THWACK! *the tennis ball hits Pollock in the head again* 

A Charged Confrontation

{Pollock sits behind her desk in office, stack of papers spread before her. But her pen doesn't move, and the eyes that appear to be studying a monthly budget report are unfocused. Her air is that of a person waiting.}

Pollock: *muttering* Come on already, you devious. . .

{Three soft raps against her door. Consider the shoe dropped.}

Gruff Voice Behind the Door: Security check, Commandant.

Pollock: *a long sigh* Come in, dolt.

{The door remains shut.}

Pollock: *a longer sigh* Come in, Calvin.

Calvin: *enters the room, one hand behind his back* Don't worry, one of these days you'll remember to actually use my name when you want me to do something.

Pollock: *deadpan* Jump out the window, Calvin.

Calvin: *rolls his eyes* Just because you want it, doesn't mean you'll get it.

Pollock: That's hardly incentive for me to use your name, then.

Calvin: Well, you'll never know if I'm feeling self-destructive unless you try.

{Calvin steps farther into the room, peering into all corners. Pollock raises one hand, while the other slides to a desk drawer.}

Pollock: Hold it!

Calvin: *stops moving* So, how'd you know I wasn't your head of security?

Pollock: Was that a serious impersonation? That didn't sound a thing like him!

Calvin: How would I know? I don't think the guy's ever said two words to me.

Pollock: *frowns* That can't be right. Can it? Well, I suppose it's usually the panda or Deadpool he's contending with. . .

Calvin: That's right! I've never blown up one of your bathrooms.

Pollock: I don't like the way you said that.

Calvin: *resumes surveying the room, hand still behind his back* So, no security-slash-drug plants?

Pollock: *leans back in her chair, one hand still out of sight behind the desk* We're reworking those to focus more heavily on the pharmaceutical aspects. People still prefer bullets for security, but drugs are always popular.

Calvin: Yeah, people do like shooting things, but the drug market's pretty crowded. Lots of cheap weed out there.

Pollock: *sighs* Enough stalling. I know you're not really interested in my latest products.

Calvin: I could be, if they were something cooler than drugs.

Pollock: Where is the panda? Don't try and tell me they've outgrown this.

Calvin: Nope, they definitely haven't. *grins* Not sure where they are, though.

Pollock: *eyebrow twitches and she hits the intercom* To all employees, the panda is on the premises. We are initiating Arc Protocol, follow procedure and move to the nearest shelter.

Calvin: You're going to flood the place?!

Pollock: Not that kind of ark.

{A quick sweep of the security cameras shows all employees within safe zones. Pollock flips a switch and a hum fills the hallway outside her office.}

Calvin: Oh, that kind of arc. *eyes bug out* You're gonna electrocute them?! Wait, you modified your building to be able to electrocute people?!

Pollock: It's not that severe a shock. Just something to slow them down.

{There's a surprised yelp from somewhere in the building. Followed by a gasp and the sound of something very large crashing through cubicle walls.}

Pollock: I thought they'd react with a little less panic.

{Flips the switch back to its original position. The hum fades.}

Calvin: How did the city building inspector approve that?!

Pollock: I bribed the zoning board to classify this as an agricultural structure. Different rules on wiring.

Calvin: I, I can't even pretend to be aghast. Making drugs, bribing zoning boards, what kind of lame, buttoned-up villainy is this?

Pollock: You don't want deathtraps, but you complain about bureaucratic manipulation! Make up your mind!

Calvin: *raises one hand in a calming gesture* OK, OK, that's fair. Sorry, you're right. Rigging your entire building into some kind of electric weapon is pretty cool.

Pollock: *brings her other hand out from behind the desk, holding a gun, which she aims at Calvin.* Now, let me see what you're hiding. Slowly. This fires a buzzsaw blade.

Calvin: At least you're taking inspiration from the classics.

{Calvin brings his other hand into view. It's holding an unmarked pink box. One of Pollock's eyebrows rises.}

Pollock: *warily* Open it.

{Calvin swings the lid open. He starts to tilt the box towards Pollock.}

Pollock: *jabs the gun towards Calvin menacingly* Not so fast!

Calvin: How else are you going to see what's in it?

Pollock: I'll come to - no, that's a bad idea. *begins muttering to herself* Maybe I can angle a mirror? No, I'll be distracted. A drone? No, I'd need both hands to steer it. *louder* Tell me what it is.

Calvin: *very sarcastically* It's a special fart bomb the panda cooked up to stinkify your entire office.

Pollock: Damn it, I'm pretty sure you're joking, but I can't put it past you juveniles. I - 

{The office door opens. Chief of Security Androzier sticks his head in.}

Androzier: Boss - 

Calvin: Wow, I was way off. I thought you sounded like Judge Dread, or some old mountain man who gargles gravel.

Androzier: *takes a step into the room* What? *looks at Pollock* Did he switch bodies with Deadpool? Is this a Code Periwinkle?

Pollock: No, nothing like that. Chief, I need you to tell me what's in that box. *glares at Calvin* Do not shout, "What's in the box?!"

Calvin: Party-pooper.

Androzier: *still confused, takes another step inside* It looks like a cake. I need to update you - 

Calvin: Why he's barefoot? Is this some weird connectedness initiative you've got going?

Pollock: It's part of the Arc Protocol. *glares at Androzier* But you're supposed to put your boots back on after.

Androzier: They chafe when I don't have socks!

Calvin: Why doesn't he have socks? Are you taking away socks as some sort of punishment for bad employees?

Pollock: *at Calvin* Of course not, and he is an exemplary employee! *to Androzier* When he's not forgetting he's supposed to have an extra pair of socks on hand!

Androzier: I apologize deeply, Commandant, but I really need to update you - 

{The loud crashing noises have begun moving closer. And closer. And closer.}

Pollock: *buries her face in her hand* Oh no.

{Clever Adolescent Panda barrel rolls through the wall. Their fur stands on end, making them appear like a gigantic, black-and-white sea urchin. Stuck to them are all varieties of socks, as well as several sweaters, a fleece hoodie with the local high school mascot grinning on it, and an afghan blanket. The latter of which is being held at the other end by a determined young woman.}

Pollock: Belinda, let go of the afghan! You know panda-related injuries are difficult to explain to the health insurance!

{The panda keeps gripping socks, but the clothing simply static clings to another part of their body.}

Clever Adolescent Panda: Get them off me!

Belinda: This was my nana's, I'm not letting some furball steal it!

Androzier: This is what I wanted to mention. All the rolling keeps building up fresh charge. The containment fields couldn't withstand that and all this mass moving at this speed.

Pollock: Damn. We need to siphon the charge all at once, with some long metal object. *glances at her sword* Well, a true genius finds ways to turn all setbacks to their advantage.

Calvin: No stabbing my friend!

{Calvin sets down the cake, then rushes over to seize one of Clever Adolescent Panda's hands. With his other hand, he grabs hold of a steel lamp near the window. The bulb flares like a supernova before every light goes dark. All the socks and other stuff fall off Clever Adolescent Panda. Calvin flies off like he was shot from a cannon. With the afghan loose, Belinda is flung across the room, Pollock narrowly keeping her from going splat against the wall.}

Pollock: *sets Belinda down* You violated protocol.

Belinda: But that damn panda. . .

Pollock: Yes, I know, but the protocol is there for a reason. *looks around the room* Well, that tripped the surge protectors into shutdown. Chief, start up Epiphany Protocol until we get them re-set.

Androzier: *salutes* What about - ? *gestures at Clever Adolescent Panda, who is slowly rolling to their feet*

Clever Adolescent Panda: Where's Calvin? *sees the broken window* Oh no! Calvin!

Calvin: *sprawled in the parking lot, lightly broiled* Have I mentioned before how glad I am your new building is one story tall?

Pollock: I think they're under control.

{The Chief of Security guides Belinda out of their boss' office and begins shouting orders. Everyone pulls a plant out from under what's left of their desks and someone plays a few airy notes on a flute. All the plants begin to emit a pleasant glow.}

Pollock: Well, I think this is where the two of you run home with your tails between your legs.

Clever Adolescent Panda: *scoops up Calvin and throws him across their back* Yeah, well, enjoy that broken window and all the smashed cubicles!

Pollock: I will, as soon as I enjoy the security footage of your panicked flailing!

{Pollock laughs haughtily as the panda shuffles away, before noticing the cake is still sitting in its box on the floor.}

Pollock: Hmmm. *approaches warily* They aren't here to throw it. If it was spring-loaded it would have launched when he opened the box. *leans over the box* If there was some sort of trigger mechanism, it would have gone off from all that electric discharge.

{Pollock reaches in and lifts out the cake}

Pollock: Maybe the prank is the dolt made it himself? No, that would almost qualify as poison, a little too severe for them. . .

{Abruptly, the cake swells up, and Pollock belatedly remembers their last visit, with the plants that reacted to heat.}

Pollock: Damn - 

{There's a muffled *whoom* and Pollock finds herself covered in a mixture of whipped cream and raisins.}

Pollock: Did they just use whatever he had in the kitchen? *gathers some whipped cream on one finger* Well, at least it's edible.

A Hot Time on a Cold Blog

Narrator: TEMPERS FLARE INSIDE CALVIN'S APARTMENT!

Pollock: *in the hall outside* How the devil are tempers flaring already? Calvin hasn't even started giving thanks yet!

Cassanee: Deadpool?

Pollock: *rubs her chin* No, he usually causes exasperation, at best. Well, nothing for it but brave the unknown and -

*Pollock notices she's alone and the door's ajar. She rushes inside, where Cassanee's standing in the living room.*

Pollock: I wasn't done speaking!

Cassanee: Wasting time. Look.

*She points to the kitchen, where Calvin and Clever Adolescent Panda are jostling each other at the stove.*

Calvin: Come on, move over!

CAP: You move over!

Calvin: I need to open the oven!

CAP: I'm busy stirring, you can open it in a second!

Rhodez: *lounging on the couch* Yo, Cassanee, Pollock, what's up?

Cassanee: *holding up a bowl with a platter balanced on top* Jam tarts and mashed potatoes.

Pollock: Hello, Rhodez. I brought a vegetarian casserole. Have they been like this long?

Calvin: The guests are arriving and I still need 8 minutes for these toasted ravs!

CAP: You should have made them before the hush puppies!

Rhodez: *waves at the table* You can probably put the food there or the counter. I got here 10 minutes ago, and that's about when they started arguing.

Calvin: Are you daft? The hush puppies needed even longer!

CAP: My dumpling soup is at a critical seasoning stage!

Calvin: It's soup, just dump everything in at once!

CAP: *belly bumps Calvin* There's an art to this! You just don't understand!

Calvin: *smashes his forehead against the panda's* Just because some of us don't have all day to spend on one meal, don't go getting classist with me!

CAP: It's not classist, you're just lazy!

Pollock: *vaguely disappointed* I always thought I'd be happier when this day came.

Rhodez: Can't you just microwave the raviolis?

Calvin: They're frozen. With no Deadpool, I was hoping for an explosion-free Blogsgiving.

Rhodez: He's not gonna be here?

CAP: *glares at Calvin* No, because Calvin's being a stickler.

Calvin: *glares back* No, because he's still dead in his own book, and he's not appearing in anything else I'm buying. So the two beers you brought are probably safe, unless Pollock's looking to get depression-wasted again.

Pollock: I have wine for that, thank you.

*Cassanee marches into the kitchen. She spins Calvin away from the oven and around herself with one hand, while shoving Clever Adolescent Panda to the side. The two end up switching spots.*

Cassanee: Calvin has longer arms. *puts the spoon into his hand.* He can stir, even while you open and close the oven.

*Calvin and Clever Adolescent Panda look at the spoon, the soup, the oven, and finally each other.*

CAP: She kind of ruined it.

Calvin: *sighs* Yeah.

Cassanee: Huh?

Calvin: We were just messing around. The raviolis are done. They're under the paper towel on the countertop.

CAP: And I'm just stirring to keep the soup from sticking to the pot until people were here.

Calvin: *folds his arms across his chest, eyebrow raised* You think I wouldn't allot way more time for food prep than I needed?

Rhodez: What the heck, man? What was all that yelling about?

Calvin: *shrugs* Something to pass the time. Our panda pal isn't into basketball, so we can't talk sports.

CAP: And Calvin hasn't seen any of the new sci-fi movies I have, and I don't want to spoil them. Besides, fake arguing is fun!

Pollock: Ladies, I propose a team-up wherein we beat the two of them senseless.

Calvin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's wait a minute here.

CAP: We should eat first! I really did work hard on this soup. *adds some pathetic sniffles and big, sad eyes*

Rhodez: I am pretty hungry.

Cassanee; Food first.

Pollock: *grumbling* Fine. But after that, pummeling.

Narrator: LATER, AFTER EVERYONE EATS WAY TOO MUCH!

Calvin: Im, impossible. No such thing. *lengthy belch as he slides out of his chair onto the floor*

CAP: *already sprawled on the floor* You look like you're gonna burst at the seams.

Calvin: What about you? You're almost a perfect sphere.

CAP: Perfect spheres are a panda's natural shape.

Pollock: *trying to sit up properly in her chair, failing miserably* That's true. We've investigated it thoroughly, and pandas are as close to a perfect circle as nature gets.

*Pregnant silence*

Calvin: And?

Pollock: And what?

CAP: What evil thing are you trying to figure out how to do with that?

Pollock: It's not about evil, it's about new potential avenues for research and invention!

Cassanee: Money.

Rhodez: *slumped on the couch* Yeah, your track record on nice stuff is pretty lousy.

Pollock: I'll have you know a perfect sphere is less affected by friction, which makes for more energy-efficient movement. It could even be a step towards a perpetual motion machine!

CAP: You're going to break the laws of thermodynamics?

Cassanee: Breaking laws. Evil.

Pollock: They aren't those sort of laws, you - *notices Cassanee is grinning* Oh, you're just toying with me now.

Cassanee: *shrugs silently*

Rhodez: Hey, uh, Calvin, what's with the tube coming out of the floor?

Calvin: Pollock's idea of a prank.

Pollock: You could get some use out of it if you were creative. Or if my lobbyists were earning their paychecks.

CAP: Going to use "perfect spheres" for your message tube mail system that you'll pick through?

Pollock: We just might at that! Except for the picking through your mail, of course. We pride ourselves on respecting confidentiality.

Rhodez: I'll just stick with the post office.

Pollock: It probably won't exist soon. I just have to make sure I'm the one who reaps the benefits of the increasing privatization of the government!

Calvin: If you're looking to reduce friction, Rhodez is your lady. She's got that down to science.

Rhodez: It was that or Deadpool would keep shooting at me.

Pollock: Would you to act as a test subject? There'd be compensation, naturally.

Cassanee: Fancy cheeses.

Rhodez: I like cheese, but not that much.

Pollock: It wouldn't be cheese! Well, I guess you could spend the money on whatever you liked, so it could be cheese.

CAP: Don't agree to let Pollock experiment on you! I'll get you cheese for free, because we're friends!

Pollock: Stop undercutting free enterprise with your socialism and friendship!

Calvin: Socialist Government Cheese, and Friendship Cheese are entirely different things.

Rhodez: *groaning and patting her stomach* Man, I don't want to eat cheese or anything else right now. I'm gonna have to run so much tomorrow.

CAP: I think this is the most we've ever discussed cheese on this blog.

Calvin: Probably, but we're done with that now. Who's giving thanks first?

Cassanee: You.

Pollock: Agreed.

Calvin: Me?

CAP: Yes, so we don't end on such a down note. And I'll go last!

Rhodez: Is that any better? We're all gonna feel bad we aren't as cool.

Calvin: I second Clever Adolescent Panda's suggestion.

Pollock: *sputtering* Why?

Calvin: To make you wallow in your inadequacy.

Pollock: Swine. *gets up slowly and staggers to the fridge* Then I need wine.

Rhodez: Can you grab my other beer?

Calvin: OK, so this year. . .kinda sucked.

*A collective groan. Pollock and Rhodez each take long pulls from their respective drinks.*

Calvin: Work's been shit for a variety of reasons, and my car started acting up a month ago. But, the car's fixed, and wasn't too expensive. The pay for work is, well, it's good enough for my un-travagant lifestyle.

Cassanee: Un-travagent?

Calvin: Like extravagant, but the opposite. I haven't done as much writing as I'd like, but I've done some, at least. Nobody important to me died, including me. I went on a couple of brief trips with Alex that were good. This stupid tube Pollock installed is at least a faster way to get my laundry back upstairs, and. . .that's all I got.

Pollock: Oh God, that was terrible.

Calvin: Wait, I remembered something else. Clever Adolescent Panda got Pollock in the face with an egg! It was egg-cellent! High five!

CAP: *stone-faced* I really shouldn't after that pun, but hitting Pollock with an egg was fun!

*They high five*

Pollock: You're both dolts. It was another year of unparalleled professional success. I met several foreign dignitaries who are extremely interested in cheap energy for a variety of interesting uses.

Calvin: Meaning, the perpetual motion machine would allow railguns and laser cannons and whatnot to charge up much more quickly.

Pollock: Who leaked that to you? I mean, not at all. It's about less obtrusive, um, hydroelectric dams! That's it! So that fish can maintain their migration and breeding patterns.

*Four unimpressed faces look back at Pollock.*

Pollock: Oh, whatever! You'll rue the day you doubted my interest in conservation! *folds her arms and pouts*

Cassanee: Another drought year, but not too hot. Tourism was good, even if rafting was tricky. Bears and raccoons were arguing over how to split the peanut butter, but we sorted it. No new problems. Finished a new back porch for my home.

Pollock: So you can sip moonshine and look at all the happy creatures dancing on your lawn?

Cassanee: They don't dance. Run and hop. No moonshine, either.

*Everyone looks at Rhodez, who is asleep*

Calvin: Dang, she didn't even finish the second beer. That just leaves you, panda pal.

CAP: I climbed to a temple in the mountains north of our village and studied how to better harness my energy. Next time I face someone who can turn intangible, it won't be so hard to smack them in the face! *smacks one paw against the other for emphasis* All my friends and family are doing well. The penguins renewed their treaty with us, so we shouldn't have any fighting for a long time!

Calvin: No punching demon sharks this year?

CAP: No, but I hugged it out with the ghost of an angry snow leopard that was terrorizing a village near the temple.

Calvin: Solving problems by hugging? *shakes head* What happened to you? You used to be cool.

CAP: I hugged people then, too! And I'll Hug you if you don't watch out!

Calvin: *Flees - slowly - in mock terror* Anything but that!

Pollock: Now that foolishness is done, it's time to strike. *looks at Cassanee and Rhodez* Are the two of you with me?

*Rhodez is still asleep. Cassanee shrugs.*

Cassanee: Maybe.

Pollock: Excellent! First, I'll need you to sign this legally binding contract that confirms I'm the leader and promises your unquestioning loyalty to me until either our enemies are crushed, or I betray you to spare myself harm, under penalty of - 

Cassanee: Never mind.

Deadpool & Wolverine (2024)

Clever Adolescent Panda: Were there any of the trailers you liked?

Calvin: Not really. Venom 3, a movie about a video game I've never played, with a dumb robot sidekick that sounds like methed-out Don Knotts, a Lion King prequel, a Captain America movie with friggin' Red Hulk? Red Hulk? That's the shit we're down to now?!

CAP: Wicked looked pretty.

Calvin: Sure, but do we need another movie about how the villain was really just misunderstood, and not a bad person at all? Some people are just assholes.

Deadpool: My ears are burning. Which is much further north than the burning usually occurs.

CAP: Wade! *flying tackle* You're back!

Deadpool: It's great to see you too, big fuzz buddy. I missed how you compress my ribs into my internal organs like a kid messing with Play-Doh. They always end up in fun new places!

CAP: Sorry. Are you going to come to Blogsgiving? Calvin's buying your series!

Calvin: I'm not sure he can. The October solicit says he's dead. I think we have to invite Eleanor instead. Like that year we had Future Deadpool.

CAP: *sticks out tongue* Ugh. Future Deadpool was really depressing and boring.

Deadpool: He was sadly lacking in my joie de vivre. But you need to invite both my daughters.

Calvin: No. The symbiote dog doesn't exist in this continuity. Panda and Pollock nuked it in my microwave two years ago. That's canon.

Deadpool: *gasps and points at CAP* That's right, you did kill my daughter!

CAP: Hey, let's talk about your latest hit movie instead, now that Calvin and I saw it!

Calvin: Yeah, too bad there were only 7 other people in the theater while we were there.

CAP: Don't listen to him; we went to the 10 a.m. showing.

Deadpool: You watched my movie at 10 in the morning on a Monday? I don't know if that's sad or the mark of loyal friends.

Calvin: I was just hoping there wouldn't be anyone else in the theater, honestly.

Deadpool: Let's table your intimacy issues for now and talk about me!

Calvin: OK. 

CAP: Wait! Spoiler warning!

Calvin: Yeah, that's fair. We're going to discuss all sorts of stuff abut the movie, so if spoilers matter to you, go away. Doot-doot-doot. Eh, that's enough time. So you've given up on superheroing after being rejected for the Avengers, and are doing a lousy job selling cars. A Time Variance guy abducts you and says it's important you join the Sacred Timeline - 

Deadpool: Thor needs the emotional healing my love brings!

Calvin: - join the Sacred Timeline. And you have to accept quickly, because your universe lost its "anchor point" and is slowly dissolving. Surprisingly, you did not have yourself be the anchor point, as it's the Wolverine who died in Logan. So you hop through universes until finding another Wolverine, and try to convince him to help you save your timeline.

CAP: And you both end up in The Void, from Loki! Wolverine spends most of his time moping about how badly he failed, when he's not being mean to you. The two of you have to fight Cassandra Nova, who made herself Queen of the Void.

Calvin: To be fair, Wolverine does both at the same time. He has enough self-loathing to inflict on himself and others, simultaneously. I'm not sure he really sees Deadpool, so much as he sees a version of himself he can hurt. Jackman wears this distant look a lot of the time, like his mind is elsewhere. 

Deadpool: Counting all that bank he's getting for riding my coattails!

Calvin: Which is true to the character. What are all those stories of Logan hacking dozens of Yakuza to death if not him directing his inner hatred outwards?

Deadpool: Excuse me? Those are beautiful displays of frenetic action!

CAP: They can be more than one thing. Humans are full of different stuff.

Deadpool: What are pandas full of?

Calvin: Marshmallow fluff. *BONK* Jeez, it was a joke! Anyway, I had my concerns going in. Multiverse stuff, kind of played out.

Deadpool: I know, right?

CAP: I wouldn't have thought of Wizard of Oz as a multiverse story, but you made me see it in another light!

Calvin: But then the movie opens on you digging up Logan's corpse and using it to kill a bunch of TVA agents, set to "Bye Bye Bye," and all my concerns went away. This is what I paid 8 bucks for!

CAP: How did you get Logan's claws to work for you?

Deadpool: I became one with his essence. I pictured myself with Robin Williams-level body hair that was soaked in cheap whiskey, made a resting bitch face, and the rest took care of itself.

Calvin: Sounds legit. So, liked that fight scene. Dug the fight in and around the Honda Odyssey.

CAP: It was nice of you to throw the fights for your guest star, Wade. You really made him look good.

Deadpool: I didn't throw the fights!

Calvin: Yeah, come on panda pal, Wolverine doesn't need any help to kick Deadpool's butt.

Deadpool: I clearly won the fight in the desert! Did you not see both of my swords and the baby knife sticking out of him?

CAP: He didn't seem bothered. *Deadpool looks depressed* Um, what about the music? That was fun!

Calvin: I appreciate the continued willingness to use all kinds of stuff, although the selection didn't seem quite as eclectic as the first two movies. Felt very late-90s/early-2000s. No '50s doo-wop or whatever.

Deadpool: I'm not sure we can say "doo-wop." At least you definitely shouldn't.

Calvin: I'm not popular enough to be canceled, and it's a legit term for a style of music, which hopefully was not actually grounded in racist undertones. Was there even a Deadpool-themed rap song this time? 

CAP: I don't think so.

Calvin: Boooo. How are we feeling about the Deadpool and Wolverine interactions, since that's what the movie revolves around?

CAP: Hmm, well it felt a lot like that scene in the taxi from Deadpool 2. Where Cable says a lot of hurtful stuff about how Wade's not a hero, just a clown. Except spread over 2 hours.

Calvin: People not believing in Deadpool is a recurring issue. But I think it lands more here because Cable and Deadpool were basically adversaries, even when they were working together. They had different goals when it came to Russell. Brolin played Cable as mostly just irritated because this jabbering idiot wouldn't get out of his way. 

In theory, Deadpool and Wolverine are supposed to work together. At least, that's what Deadpool hopes will happen, and he clearly admires Wolverine (much as he hates to admit it) and believes the guy can save everyone Deadpool cares about. Which is sort of an implicit acknowledgement on Wade's part that he can't save them. He's not good enough.

CAP: Which is why he pushed Vanessa away at some point between the second and third movies. He doesn't think he deserves his friends, but he's still willing to put up with all of Woverine's insults if it'll save them. And trust him during the first final battle with Cassandra Nova.

Calvin: Yeah. Granting that middle managers with delusions of grandeur are dangerous, Paradox wasn't a convincing threat. Especially after Wade went through those TVA guys like a thresher through wheat. That said, the ending felt like a missed opportunity. Having Logan embrace Xavier's ideals and reach out to Nova in understanding was a great moment, but then as soon as she sees a chance to destroy everything, she goes for it. Did you follow her motivations, because I saw a review that said they weren't well laid out.

Deadpool: She envied my hairpiece. I had to get rid of it. Sad, but some things are just too beautiful for this world.

CAP: I think she was scared. She said she was sent to the Void as a child. She acts like the big boss of the place, but she runs inside her base when the smoke monster thing shows up. I think she's always worried the TVA could do even worse, so it's safer to stay in a place no one cares about and act like she's in control. When she learns about the Time Ripper, she thinks she doesn't have to be scared any more, there's a way to really be the ruler she pretended to be. I agree, it would have been nice if they could have helped her. I'm not sure why she died at the end.

Calvin: Yeah, that's just lazy writing.

Deadpool: Oh come on, you were just complaining about villains being misunderstood and actually good like *glances at the wall of text above* Well, I'm not even going to attempt to count that many paragraphs.

CAP: No, but they don't all have to die at the end, either. Um, cameos and guest appearances?

Calvin: Mixed bag. Nicepool got old.

Deadpool: No, he definitely did not get old. Sniff, heroes never do.

Calvin: Some of the other hero bits were funny. Little surprised Snipes didn't spin kick you upside the head for the hell of it.

Deadpool: We cut that part out. He says it was an accident, but I think he's lying.

CAP: It's OK, you're just the Jim Carrey to his Tommy Lee Jones.

Calvin: Except it was probably your perversion he couldn't sanction, not your buffoonery.

CAP: Are we talking about Deadpool or Ryan Reynolds now?

Deadpool: Both! Most people aren't ready for what Canadians get up to with poutine.

CAP: *whispers* What's poutine?

Calvin: French-Canadian pronunciation of "poontang." Do not repeat that around your mother. I like that the movie at least occasionally allows for some emotional depth. Like the fact Deadpool actually asks the TVA boss lady if there's something that can be done for the other heroes who helped them. I was worried that was going to be reduced to a gag, too.

CAP: Really?

Calvin: Well, like his (over-)extended death sequence in the second movie. I figured he'd start to ask, then he wouldn't remember who any of them were. Logan would roll his eyes in disgust and Wade would shrug it off. Everybody just moves on. But even if he doesn't say their names, he hasn't forgotten them.

Deadpool: Who could forget Channing Tatum's terrible accent?

CAP: That's Deadpool, though. He doesn't always do the right thing - 

Deadpool: True.

CAP: And when he does, it usually isn't for the right reason -

Deadpool: Well, I mean, "right" is such a subjective term. Who can say if any of us do anything for the right reasons?

CAP: And he definitely doesn't do it the right way -

Deadpool: Oh come on! Are you going to let them keep doing this?

Calvin: I obviously think it's funny, so yes.

CAP: But he knows about being overlooked and unwanted. Oh, I liked Peter getting to have a role, but I wish his other friends showed up to help with the Deadpool Corps fight, rather than just during the party sequences.

Calvin: Negasonic would have killed at the chance to, uh, kill a bunch of Deadpools.

CAP: Not Cowboy Deadpool, though!

Calvin: Well, we could hope she'd spare Cowboy Deadpool, with his cool hat and six-shooters. Along the lines of that scene, I would like to congratulate the movie on the description of Wolverine's mask. Caught me entirely off-guard and made me laugh my butt off.

CAP: The effects on Cassandra Nova using her powers looked neat. She always uses it the same way, but it gets shown different when she takes different approaches. She appears inside Wade's head as someone he cares about and hurts him. But she appears as herself to Logan and speaks nicely. Tells him it's OK he failed. She wants to break Deadpool, but she wants to make Wolverine rely on her.

Calvin: Agreed.

Deadpool: She doesn't wash her hands after each use, though. Can confirm.

CAP: Ew.

Deadpool: I know, right? Basic etiquette.

Calvin: OK, final thoughts. Had some good laughs, enjoyed the fight scenes when they gave them time. Cameos and guest appearances were fine. Didn't drag things out too long, the movie's just over 2 hours. Probably could have been quicker with less exposition.

CAP: We might have need that, though. I haven't seen Loki, Season 2.

Calvin: Me neither, but still a lot of exposition. Or cut the Chris Evans stuff down a bit. Although some of that was also exposition. Two birds with one stone, then.

Deadpool: Try killing two birds while stoned. And I thought the movie was quite restrained in its objectification of Chris Evans.

CAP: It was! Mostly. You still have issues with personal space.

Deadpool: I'm receiving treatment for that.

CAP: You're sitting on my shoulders right now.

Deadpool: It's a process! Besides, it makes me feel tall, and your shoulders have more padding than Calvin's.

*Clever Adolescent Panda throws Deadpool across the room* 

Calvin: I had my concerns going in, but the movie either avoids or at least isn't dragged down by them. Again, too much of Nicepool. It's not on par Deadpool 2, though I find I like all three movies for their own reasons (plus some they share.) Each kind of highlights a different aspect of Deadpool's character.

CAP: Deadpool 2 is the best. The story revolving around Russell and Cable and Deadpool and all their issues was the strongest. But I liked this a lot, too!

Calvin: Fair. As third movies in a superhero franchise go, definitely beats Iron Man 3 with an adamantium femur, and I'd put it ahead of Captain America: Civil War. Probably can't give it the edge of Thor: Ragnarok, though I haven't watched that since the first time. Maybe it doesn't hold up. Anything to add, Wade?

Deadpool: Think they'll let me in the Avengers now?

CAP: No.

Calvin: If Captain America; Brave New World tanks hard enough they will, but in that case you're better off staying clear.

Deadpool: I could headline Thunderbolts!

CAP: Oh, Wade, no. I know Happy told you to aim for the middle, but you can aim higher than that!

Calvin: Yeah, just revive X-Force. At least there were a couple of people whose powers didn't revolve around stabbing people.

Communicative Malfeasance

{Clever Adolescent Panda and Calvin arrive at Calvin's apartment building.}

CAP: How are you feeling after your trip?

Calvin: Better than Alex's other friend. That guy did a number on himself. It's never a good sign when you're puking in a Casey's parking lot in some desolate north Missouri town before noon.

CAP: You humans and your addictive vices.

Calvin: *flatly* Oatmeal raisin cookies.

CAP: Where?! *looks around frantically, then leaps on Calvin* Do you have some?!

Calvin: *straining to stay upright* No, get off me!

CAP: Phooey. *climbs down reluctantly* The parking lot looks really full.

Calvin: It's the two maintenance vans. One of the neighbors moved out, they're probably tidying up the place.

{The building's interior is quiet. The duo proceed up the stairs.}

CAP: Well, we have to be ready. Pollock's probably going to show up tomorrow.

Calvin: Maybe she'll bring actual Thin Mint cookies this time.

{The interior of Calvin's apartment is as silent as the rest of the building. Against the opposite wall, a clear plastic tube emerges from the floor, then makes a 90-degree turn at eye level.}

Calvin: That's new.

CAP: *steps closer, sniffing the air* What is it?

Calvin: *ducks beneath the end of the pipe and drops his bag at the dinner table* A warp pipe, obviously. I hope it doesn't lead to an underwater level. Hate those.

{The sound of rushing air suddenly emerges from the pipe. Clever Adolescent Panda hurriedly ducks as the cylinder comes flying out of the pipe and hits the opposite wall.}

Calvin: Hey!

CAP: Don't worry, I'm OK.

Calvin: Never a doubt, with your reflexes. *yells into the pipe* You put a dent in my wall, jerkass!

CAP: *picks up the cylinder* It's marked "urgent delivery."

Calvin: *rolls his eyes* I bet it is.

CAP: Pollock?

Calvin: Who else? Is the tube buzzing or ticking?

CAP: Unh-uh. It doesn't smell like anything dangerous, either.

Calvin: *deep sigh* Well, hand it here and then get behind the breakfast bar. That way at least you'll be alive to avenge me.

{Clever Adolescent Panda hands over the cylinder and retreats into the kitchen, peering from around the corner. Calvin sighs again.}

Calvin: I've had a good run. I mean, not really, but it hasn't been terrible. *pops the top off the cylinder, a paper roll slides out*

CAP: *from behind the counter* What is it? A threatening note? A secret code? A treasure map? *sticks head over the counter, ears perked up and eyes shining* A treasure map would be awesome!

Calvin: None of the above. It is - *scans the paper* a letter asking me to take their online survey to share my thoughts on the pneumatic tube system.

CAP: *ears droop, eyes turn dull* Oh, that's, um, that's, 

Calvin: Disappointing. Deflating?

CAP: Yes. OOOH, but now you can give them a really bad review!

Calvin: Except there's no web address, just one of those Rorschach test QR codes, which *holds up his flip phone* I can't do anything with. 

{A mocking cackle echoes up the pneumatic tube.}

Calvin: You got an up-to-date phone with all the bells and whistles, right?

CAP: *offended* Of course! Pandas have excellent phones, with no tracking apps or sharing of data with third-party companies!

Calvin: And 6G internet?

CAP: *annoyingly smug* 9G. The pages load before you even know you want them.

Calvin: Sounds disturbingly like artificial intelligence run amok. *holds out the paper* But whatever, you access the survey. Be as mean as you want. Pretend you're Deadpool, or me after several hours of driving in traffic.

CAP: *trundles into Calvin's study* No way.

{Cackling laughter echoes from the pneumatic tube.}

Calvin: Motherfu - *screams down the tube* Shut the hell up!

{More laughter.}

Calvin: *to Clever Adolescent Panda* Why not?

{Clever Adolescent Panda reenters the living room, holding Calvin's ragged and smelly running shirt. They hold it up, a wicked grin on their face. Calvin offers a thumbs up.}

CAP: *loudly, right next to the tube's opening* It could be a scam to infect my phone with malware!

The Voice at the Other End of the Tube: Now, wait just a min - 

{Clever Adolescent Panda jams the t-shirt in the tube. It's immediately sucked out of sight to the levels below.}

The Voice at the Other End of the Tube: What this? Oh, ye gods, the stench! *retching* It's awful! *more retching and gagging*

Calvin: It's not that bad, you big baby!

CAP: Yeah, it only made my eyes water a little! *whispers to Calvin* When was the last time you washed that shirt?

Calvin: *shrugs* I dunno. Throw it in the washing machine while you're down there!

{Pounding footsteps on the stairs echo through the walls.}

Calvin: You want to get the door or be the greeter?

CAP: *huge grin* Greeter, please.

Calvin: *steps to the door* You got it.

{Calvin wrenches the door open wide. Pollock comes flying through the entrance, breaching kick rendered useless, and tumbles into Clever Adolescent Panda's grip.}

CAP: Happy April Fools' Day! *belly-to-belly suplexes Pollock*

Pollock: *groaning* Was. . .that. . .necessary?

CAP: It was fun!

Calvin: And what could be more necessary than fun in these trying times?

Pollock: *wheezing* Delightful. Panda, will you please get off me?

CAP: No "Accursed Furball"?

Pollock: Not when my ribcage is being rendered concave by your big posterior!

Calvin: Saying they've got a big butt isn't nice just because you phrase it obliquely.

CAP: Yeah! *sits more heavily. Pollock's eyes bulge* I do have a big butt, though. It's part of my genetic makeup.

Calvin: And part of your low center-of-gravity, pinball-esque fighting style. *Clever Adolescent Panda lets Pollock stand* Now, to brass tacks. What is this contraption out of the 1920s doing in my apartment?

Pollock: *dusts herself off* I'm taking advantage of the growing discontent with an online world increasingly under the control of morally questionable oligarchs.

CAP: Aren't you a morally questionable oligarch?

Pollock: *offended* Absolutely not! There's nothing questionable about my morals.

Calvin: Because they don't exist.

CAP: *busts out laughing* He got you there.

Pollock: Swine.

CAP: *glowers* Do I need to sit on you again?

Pollock: *backpedals towards the balcony* Absolutely not. My point is, I'm offering a way for people to keep in touch with fewer complications. There's no way to store a message in a tube on the cloud, or sell it to some advertising bot. It's the next logical step for people who have shifted away from smartphones.

{Pollock scribbles a note, then stuffs it in the cylinder.}

Pollock: You just put whatever you want to say in the message cylinder, throw it in the tube {throws cylinder in the tube} and away you go! With no one other than your intended recipient any the wiser!

Calvin: As long as they have a tube in their home or office. Doesn't that one just go to my building's laundry room?

Pollock: *eyes shift left-to-right* Yes.

CAP: Does anyone other than Calvin even have one?

Pollock: My office building, but the Pony Express started small, too! The telegraph, the telephone, the Internet didn't connect everyone in the world right from the start, you know!

CAP: I guess that's true. It's going to cost a lot to install these across the country.

Pollock: Not to worry. I have lobbyists working feverishly to get me billions of dollars in subsidies to cover that.

Calvin: {over CAP's groan} Aren't these things going to get in everyone's way?

Pollock: We bury them. That's part of what the subsidies will cover. If we also happen to damage fiberoptic lines in the process, hampering wireless communication, that's just a fortunate happenstance.

{It's Calvin's turn to groan.}

CAP: Hey, how do you make sure it goes to the right place? There's no address label on the tube.*excitedly* Is there some gizmo on the opening you twist until the address appears? Rings of letters and numbers?

Calvin: That would really capture the practical, retro touch.

Pollock: There is, but only at the central routing hub.

CAP: Routing hub?

Pollock: Yes, all the cylinders go to a single location, where my employees will open them, read the contents to learn the destination, then adjust the entry tubes.

{Calvin and Clever Adolescent Panda both sigh.}

Calvin: So you get to read everyone's mail and learn all their stuff?

CAP: And take any baked goods they were sending along? {Pollock and Calvin look at the panda.} What? I never got any cookies.

Pollock: Well, yes. Not to the stealing cookies part, but gathering information, certainly. But I won't sell it! Nothing so crass. I'll use it to gain insights on what people are concerned about or feel is lacking in their lives.

Calvin: {rummaging in his fridge} So you can make products people really need, by directing research efforts that direction?

Pollock: Yes. That way, I don't even need to make targeted ads. It will be enough to simply announce the existence of my latest product and wait for them to buy it.

CAP: I guess that's not so bad. Besides the invasion of privacy. What if your employees try to blackmail people?

Pollock: That would violate company policy. No blackmail or extortion that doesn't offer a cut to me.

CAP: I'm gonna suplex you off the balcony.

{With a shriek, Pollock sprints away, vaulting the railing and landing nimbly in the parking lot below. She rushes to one of the white panel vans.}

Pollock: Ha-ha! Too slow, Accursed Furball! And by selecting a workman's van, you never suspected it was mine to tamper with! Ha - splut!

Calvin: *hits Pollock in the face with an egg* We were going to make a cake to hit you with, but you showed up early.

Calvin: *holds out a carton to Clever Adolescent Panda* Join me?

CAP: *picks egg* I'd be delighted.

{Pollock retreats to the van. An egg spatters against her back before she can climb inside. The van's engine rumbles to life.}

Calvin: *singing* Saw a panel van drivin' by, cocked the arm back and let one fly!

Pollock: *rolls down window, shakes fist* Suckers, they come, a dime a doz - *hit in the face with an egg*

CAP: Yes! I mean, um, we all dressed in comfy clothes, we didn't sneak in because we lived in that home. The eggs did crack on Pollock's, um, dome?

Calvin: Aw man, you let the beat drop.

CAP: Sorry.

Calvin: It's fine. I assume the Beastie Boys would want it that way.

{Pollock escapes the parking lot. Clever Adolescent Panda and Calvin watch her go.}

Calvin: What the heck am I going to do with this tube? Probably lose my security deposit.

CAP: I think what Deadpool did to your bathroom two Blogsgivings ago guaranteed that.

Calvin: Probably just having Deadpool in the apartment did that.

CAP: Yeah. *awkward silence* So, are we still going to make a cake?

A Holiday Ascension

Narrator: WITHIN THE UNPLEASANTLY CHILLY CONFINES OF CALVIN'S APARTMENT!

Calvin: Unpleasantly chilly?

Clever Adolescent Panda: He's right, can we turn up the heat?

Calvin: Do I look like I'm made of money? Just huddle over here by the oven.

Rhodez: You're turning into a dad.

*There's a knock at the door. Calvin throws his friend a flat look as he goes to answer it.*

Calvin: Absolutely not. I'm just cheap as hell and you know it.

Voice from the Doorway: We certainly do.

Rhodez: *raises a root beer from her seat on the couch* Pollock!

Calvin: And that's why you go through money like a kid away at college with their first credit card, right?

Pollock: *enters the apartment, sets a dish on the countertop* I'm a job creator. All my spending is a boost to the economy.

CAP: Technically, isn't all spending a boost to the economy?

Pollock: Yes, but you only get to claim tax benefits if you do a lot of it.

Calvin: *claps his hands* Can the balloon juice!

Cassanee: *lounging in a camp chair* Balloon juice?

Calvin: You keep discussing economics and we'll be in comas before we even start eating.

Pollock: *takes a seat at the other end of the couch* I see you made it here again, Cassanee.

Cassanee: *shrugs* Rhodez picked me up.

Rhodez: It was on the way, and I wanted to see the place again.

Pollock: Yes, it would be chilly to drive all the way here on your tractor.

Cassanee: *casually kicks Pollock's shin* I have a motorcycle.

Calvin: Point kinda stands then, doesn't it?

*Everyone stares, including Pollock*

Pollock: Did you just, agree with me?

Calvin: That it's not great weather to be driving in an open air vehicle? Yeah. Especially when Rhodez has a good ride, assuming the fine people of America's Crotch haven't hit it again.

Rhodez: They haven't, but man, don't call it that. I live in the elbow.

Calvin: *wrinkles his nose* That just sounds weird.

CAP: *nods while wearing a solemn expression* It really does.

Rhodez: Fine, y'all are ganging up on me now!

Pollock: I hesitate to ask, but was Deadpool invited?

Calvin: I dropped his book before spring, so no.

CAP: You really did give it less of a chance than Tiger Division.

Calvin: Yeah, but sticking with that mini-series the whole way through was a mistake.

Rhodez: You do that a lot.

Calvin: Yes, I learn slowly, if at all.

Calvin: *sighs and hangs his head. An awkward silence settles over the room. His head shoots back up* So! Who's ready to eat? I went with the fried fish and hush puppies route, plus some of my mom's cornbread.

CAP: I brought some of my bamboo noodle soup! *hefts a big bowl over their head* I didn't know how people would want to spice it, so I set those out where you can add what you want.

Pollock: Is bamboo actually edible for humans?

Calvin: *waggles his hand* I tried a little earlier. It's like noodles of extra-crunchy celery.

Pollock: But can you digest it?

Calvin: Guess we'll see in a few hours.

Rhodez: Calvin said breakfast food was always OK, so pancakes. With the good maple syrup. Also, I brought some root beer, because I know Calvin doesn't drink good soda.

Cassanee: Venison burgers and mashed potatoes.

Pollock: I brought a vegetable tangine, and a cheesecake with crushed cookie and sour cream frosting.

*The cake seems to pulse from the sheer amount of sugar contained within it.*

Rhodez: Damn, that thing looks loaded.

Calvin: We'll need one of those bunkers from Oppenheimer just to protect ourselves when we cut it.

CAP: *sniffs the cake* Is this a trick to kill us?

Pollock: I believe there's a no killing truce for these gatherings?

Cassanee: Could just make us sick.

Pollock: *indignant* You don't have to eat it if you don't want! I'll take it to work!

Calvin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's not be hasty. I'll have some. . .just let me update my will first.

Narrator: LATER, AFTER EATING!

Rhodez: *sprawled on the couch* Oooof. I'm gonna need to run so much next week.

CAP: *slides out of his chair into a big furry lump on the floor* Uh-huh.

Pollock: Yes, that was. . .a lot. The soup was quite tasty, furball. Very hearty.

CAP: Th, thanks. So was the tangine.

Pollock: What is the magenta spice, with the citrus tang?

CAP: Requingyou, and no, I'm not going into business selling artisanal spices with you.

Pollock: Of course not! The new generation want to do it themselves. Sustainable growth and all that. Just loan me a few shoots and - 

CAP: No.

Rhodez: *tries to rise off the couch, fails* Did anyone try the cake yet?

Cassanee: *curled up in her cloak in the camp chair, points to the balcony* Calvin.

*Calvin is standing very still, his back to them*

CAP: Calvin?

*No response*

Rhodez: Is somebody humming?

Pollock: It's not humming, he's vibrating.

Calvin: *voice rising and falling in pitch* I see the beginning and the end. The birth of inspiration and frustration. The gaping cold maw of entropy and obsolescence. They intertwine, the paths not taken and those yet to be. The distraction and disaffection of the hand. . .

CAP: He's talking in vague portents!

Pollock: *tries to cover ears* Yes, it's quite annoying. Shut up, clod, and let us enjoy our deep sleeps!

CAP: *trying to roll to an upright position* If we don't stop him, he'll ascend to godhood!

Rhodez: *also trying to get up* Pretty sure if Calvin becomes god he'll kill everybody.

Pollock: *rolls her eyes* Oh please, he's not going to ascend to godhood. At best, he'll vibrate at higher and higher rates until he pierces the fabric of spacetime like a sword, and is thrown into another reality. *perks up noticeably* That sounds like an excellent outcome, actually.

CAP: Really? What happens when you pierce spacetime like that?

Pollock: Typically? An extreme release of. . .uncontrolled energy. Oh.

CAP: *very sarcastically* Yeeeeeeeeees, oh.

Pollock: *on her feet* We have to stop him! I'm not being killed by an imbecile overloaded on cake!

*Clever Adolescent Panda tries to grab hold of Calvin, but the closer they get, the more they slow down. Their fur undulates as though walking into an oscillating wind, until they're finally repelled. The floor creaks ominously, the humming growing louder every second.*

Pollock: We need to disrupt the wavelength! *hurls a tiny metal sphere. It explodes, but the shockwaves are slowed by those emanating from Calvin, until they hang suspended in the air.* That's sub-optimal.

Calvin: *voice taking a deeper resonance that rattles the sliding glass door* The alternative waits on a throne of impatience and discards. Dreams swirl into a Play-doh ammonite of death.

Cassanee: *stands beyond the range of the vibrations, holding a plate* There are still hush puppies and potatoes left.

Calvin: The resolution is served with a side of impulse control problems.

*Calvin takes the plate and scarfs down the food. The vibrations begin to slow immediately. The apartment stops creaking and Calvin's eyes become visible again. He collapses in a heap on the floor.*

Calvin: Owwwww. Why does my entire body feel like a Charlie horse?

Pollock: *staring at Cassanee* How did you know that would work?

Cassanee: *deadpan* Carbs can weigh you down.

Calvin: You ain't kiddin'.

*Pollock and Clever Adolescent Panda crash comically to the floor in disbelief. Pollock picks herself up, looking disgusted.*

Pollock: I can't believe I participated in a pratfall. Let's just give thanks, already.

CAP: Me first!

Pollock: What? No!

Rhodez: Oh, let 'em go first.

Calvin: I'm not gonna argue.

Cassanee: *shrugs indifferently*

CAP: I'm thankful for my family and my friends back home, and all of you. Even Pollock! And I'm going to thank our audience, since Calvin won't bring me around for the anniversary anymore.

Calvin: Ha, nice try, but I'm incapable of feeling guilt right now about anything except how much I ate!

CAP: Fooey. I'm also thankful that Lufonz' robot body is holding up, and that he's not being harassed by robots or wizards. And that I got to punch a demon shark in the nose before it ate a bunch of kids on a field trip.

Calvin: *lifts head off the floor* Punching sharks is very 2006 blogosphere.

CAP: And you're always at least 15 years behind on trends.

Calvin: Point taken. *lays head down again*

Rhodez: Still digging my new job, even if it's really expensive where I live. I got some cool coworkers, and the scenery's nice and I feel pretty good about things. And now I have an apartment, so no more shared housing! Whoo, yeah!

Calvin: *pumps fist once in solidarity* Shared housing sucks!

Cassanee: Drought meant it wasn't a good growing season, and not as much river traffic, so fewer tourists. But our town and the raccoons and the bears all helped each other, so there wasn't any fighting. Hosted a big festival at the community center to bring in more people. No one hit an elk this year.

Calvin: Elk are smarter than deer.

CAP: *snorts* Barely. They all have concussion problems, just like goats.

Cassanee: Heard a few rumors of weird things farther northwest, but they might be made up. Not sure. Something to check out next year. *she gestures to Pollock*

Pollock: Another year of uninterrupted success - 

CAP: What about on April Fool's Day?

Pollock: Uninterrupted success for my company. With the turn away from the increasing nightmare of social media towards tactile experiences, Creative Industrial Alternatives is doing better than - 

Calvin: We have a strict, "no self-promotion" rule on this blog!

Pollock: *huffs* Fine. The business is doing well, my employees seem largely satisfied, although I wish more of them would come in to work. It's too quiet at the office. My personal life is a whirlwind of wining and dining the elite!

Cassanee: Sounds exhausting.

Pollock: Very. That's it for me. Who's left?

CAP: *eyes go wide* We left Calvin for last.

Pollock: *terrified* No.

Calvin: Yep.

*There's a group scream and the guests awkwardly attempt to reach the door.* 

"Out of my way!" "Me first!" "Move, accursed furball!"

Calvin: If you leave, you don't get to see our panda pal dressed up as a baby.

*The room goes silent. Cass, Pollock and Rhodez turn slowly*

Cass: *starry-eyed* Really?

Calvin: *holds up camera* Really.

CAP: *pleading* Calvin, don't.

Pollock: My security cameras didn't catch any footage of that. *tries to sit with some dignity after the earlier panic* Very well, let's hear your thanks.

Calvin: Work was - 

Rhodez: Aw man, why do you always start with work?

Calvin: To get it out of the way. Work was about as usual. Nothing tremendously horrible for me, just a lot of extra regular work because we were shorthanded in one way or the other for most of the year. We're about to swap out the work truck I liked to use for something new that will probably have a billion recall notices on all its stupid computerized shit, if the last new truck is any indication.

Pollock: Ask Cassanee to borrow a tractor.

Cassanee: Tractors have computers, too.

Pollock: *aghast* Ye gods, why? They can hardly expect Billy Bob to operate that?

Calvin: I think it's usually GPS, but it's not the operating that's the problem, it's when the computer says there's a problem and there isn't, but it stops working anyway. Whatever. No car issues, no health issues. Survived my visit to America's Crotch to see Rhodez back in summer. The visit was fun. I've never seen so much lightning!

CAP: Is that a good thing?

Calvin: As long as it isn't striking me or anyone or thing I care about, sure. Alex gave me his PS4, so I'm only one generation behind on consoles, which is as close as I expect I'll ever get to being current. Didn't do as much sightseeing as I intended, but I got out and about a little bit. Pulled another successful prank on Pollock.

Pollock: Successful?! Your plant didn't even grow the way you intended!

Calvin: But I have photos of you trapped inside a giant bubble like a goober, and I got away without being covered in pollen, unlike some other people I could name.

Cass: Photos?

Calvin: You know it! Gather round, and have a look.

*Clever Adolescent Panda and Pollock each lunge for the camera* No!

Early Arrival

Calvin: I'm not sure which of us should be more embarrassed.

Clever Adolescent Panda: Me, obviously.

{Calvin is pushing a blue baby stroller, which Clever Adolescent Panda is tucked into, complete with a comically oversized lollipop in one paw, and a rattle in the other.}

CAP: And what would you even be embarrassed about anyway?! There' nothing wrong with a man pushing a baby stroller!

Calvin: *huffing and puffing* There is when he looks like he's about to have a heart attack in the process, because he's actually pushing the largest baby in recorded history.

CAP: I am not!

Calvin: Human baby.

CAP: Oh. Right.

Calvin: Now pipe down, we're almost to the guy at the front desk. Or, I dunno, make a bunch of baby-appropriate noises.

CAP: *drily* You mean crying?

Calvin: Sure, whatever.

*The security guard for Creative Industrial Approaches takes one look at the guy pushing a panda in a baby stroller towards him and decides that is Not His Problem. It's time to take a two-hour bathroom break. At the McDonald's down the street. Calvin and CAP watch him go.*

Calvin: Huh. That makes things easy. *pushes the stroller through the double doors.* You know, I like Pollock's new building better than the old one. No elevators to worry about.

CAP: *kicking their paws idly* I miss the view. It was more fun to sneak in through the roof when it was higher off the ground.

Calvin: *sticks out his tongue* No thanks. That time Rhodez jumped the van from the building across the street was enough for me.

CAP: Well, yeah, that was terrifying. But sneaking around in air ducts is different.

Calvin: Of course. Waitaminute, why are you still in the stroller? We don't need the disguise now!

CAP: Not even just to be sure? *bats eyes and pouts*

Calvin: *unimpressed* You should know better than to think cuteness will work on me.

CAP: Right, I forgot your frozen heart.

Calvin: Frozen, dead, heart, thank you. Now, out.

CAP: Fooey.

*They continue through the halls on foot, passing several offices and labs.*

CAP: Nobody's running away.

Calvin: Pollock probably figured out mind control to reduce lollygagging among her staff.

Pollock: My beloved employees are simply enjoying their work.

Calvin: On a Friday? I call bullcrap.

Pollock: Also, they're avoiding eye contact in case the two of you decide to kill them.

CAP: What?! We wouldn't kill your employees! That's libel! Or, no, slander.

Calvin: Unless you wrote it in an employee handbook.

Pollock: What are you doing here? It's still March.

Calvin: I have stuff to do tomorrow.

Pollock: *laughs, which at least gets the employees looking to see what's happening* No, seriously, what are you doing here?

Calvin: *exchanges a glance and shrug with CAP* We're here to bury the hatchet.

*Pollock backs up and adopts a defensive stance*

CAP: Not literally. There's no actual hatchet. It's time to end this feuding.

Pollock: *rolls her eyes* Please. You tried this two years ago, claiming you were too grown up for pranks. Then you caused a major malfunction with my security plants.

CAP: And got everyone high!

Calvin: Except me.

CAP: Yes, except you, square.

Pollock: Ha!

Calvin: Look, you want your peace offering or not?

Pollock: This should be good. Let's see it.

Calvin: *produces a long cylinder wrapped in reflective silver. Inside is a bouquet* Ta-da!

Pollock: *makes no move to take them* Flowers?

Calvin: Well, I wouldn't care about them, so we figured you would. Especially with all your questionable experiments on teaching plants to kill.

CAP: See the purple ones with the pink speckles? Those are a special breed that only grow around the Panda Citadel.

Pollock *intrigued* Really? Are the pink speckles visible in spectra other than visible light?

CAP: Sort of. *sneaks around Pollock as she leans in for a closer look* They're infrared sensitive.

Pollock: Infrared sensitive? *twists to look at CAP* What does that mean?

*The heat from Pollock's face causes the purple flowers to eject a burst of pollen in her face. Pollock leaps backwards as CAP cracks the lollipop, revealing a giant bubble wand. The panda uses the bubble wand to trap Pollock.*

Pollock: *finding the bubble surprisingly difficult to pop* How are you two comfortable being so deceitful when you're supposed to be the good ones?!

Calvin: Hey, you pretended to sell Girl Scout cookies last year just for the chance to kick me in the face.

Pollock: *sighs* Fine. I'm trapped in a bubble. What now?

CAP: Now it's time for Phase 2.

Calvin: Isn't this Phase 3? Weren't the flowers Phase 1, the bubble Phase 2?

CAP: No, this is Phase 2 because the flowers haven't done their part yet.

Pollock: *growing increasingly nervous* What does that mean? Is that pollen already growing inside me?

*CAP and Calvin exchange surprised looks* 

Calvin: I sure hope not.

CAP: Of course not! That wouldn't be funny at all! The pollen is coating the outside of the bubble.

Pollock: Yes?

CAP: And now I'll show you what real sound-responsive plant life is like.

*Clever Adolescent Panda shakes the rattle, producing a sound like rainfall on stone. In response, the pollen undergoes a surge of mitosis and differentiation, producing short, sprawling plants of broad leaves and more colorful flowers. The bubble is soon completely covered.*

Calvin: *tapping foot* So, what happens now?

CAP: *scratches head* It was supposed to produce tall, flowering shoots that would suspend the bubble and Pollock in the air like an ornament. It was going to look really cool, and keep Pollock trapped inside for a while. I guess the hallway isn't narrow enough.

Calvin: Or there's too much available light from all these ceiling lights.

CAP: *gawks up at the lights* I didn't think of that. I've only seen it in the forests around home.

Pollock: *muffled from inside the bubble* You didn't account for variable growth conditions? You clod!

Calvin: I gotta agree with Pollock on that one.

CAP: Botany isn't my best subject! I tried my best!

Calvin: What happens with all those flowers?

CAP: Well, the pollen expended a lot of energy on those to take advantage of the favorable conditions. They'll produce a lot of pollen if there's heat nearby.

Calvin: *backing up quickly* Like Pollock's body heat near their roots?

CAP: Yeah, probab - aw shoot.

*Calvin dives inside the nearest open doorway as the flowers eject a staggering amount of pollen. The hallway looks like a lava lamp recreation of the Dust Bowl. Calvin and several employees stick their heads back out.*

Calvin: You OK, fuzz buddy?

CAP: *spitting* Ugh, I guess.

Pollock: You won't be. *The hallway is littered with already dying plants, and Pollock's out of the bubble, also coated in pollen.* Your plants sucked up all the moisture in the bubble.

CAP: Don't move!

Pollock: What, another peace offering?

CAP: Yes. The rattle is under your boot. If you move, you'll shake it, and then, well, you know.

*Pollock spares a glance down and confirms her boot's resting on the rattle, lifting one side just slightly off the floor.*

Pollock: It might be worth it to see the accursed furball impersonate a Chia pet. *sighs* But, I don't need the damage to the walls or any sensitive electronics.

Calvin: Glad that's settled! *grabs CAP and sprints away* See you at Blogsgiving!

Pollock: *to her employees* Get the decontamination units out here and clean this up. Then take it to the Floral Research Lab. We can make use of this. . .

Holiday Chaos

CalvinPitt: How's the soup coming?

Clever Adolescent Panda: *stirs the pot experimentally* It's good. I still think it's suspicious you wanted miso soup with tofu as one of the dishes.

Calvin: There's nothing wrong with tofu. It's really just texture, all the taste is in the broth.

CAP: Put out an extra place setting.

Calvin: Don't go inviting extra people to our shindig!

CAP: It's for the narrator.

Calvin: Oh. I guess he did say this was all he had a couple of years ago. Which is incredibly depressing.

Narrator: I HAVE A FAMILY, YOU KNOW.

Calvin: *glares at ceiling* Then don't make misleading, self-deprecating comments.

CAP: Don't fight with our narrator.

Calvin: How would I even fight with an intangible presence?

*voice through the door*: Yo! Let me in!

Calvin: It ain't locked!

Rhodez: You're not locking your door? That's kinda welcoming for you, isn't it?

CAP: I knew you were acting suspicious!

Calvin: *rolls eyes* No, I just don't want any of the guests kicking the door in because they get impatient.

Rhodez: Does that mean?

CAP: *cheers* Deadpool's coming!

Calvin: So I'd hide that good beer you brought if you don't want Wade to shotgun the lot of it.

Rhodez: Gotcha. *stashes it in the rear of the fridge, behind some diced onions* Man, how long have these onions been in here?

Calvin: *absently while setting the table* Since some time in the summer. Whenever I last had enchiladas. I keep meaning to chuck 'em, but eh, they're sealed up. Not hurting anything.

Pollock: Oh yes, always a good philosophy. Just ignore the problem.

*One of the pies lifts off the counter*

Calvin: *steps in to grab the pie* Whoa, whoa, no throwing food at Blogsgiving, Ghost of the Forest! Use one of the knives.

Pollock: *narrowly avoids the knife* That damnable spirit is here?!

Calvin: Yeah, they showed up a few days ago. Knocked my bike over for some reason. Which also knocked over my punching bag and the camp chair and almost hit my router.

*Calvin's coyote skull floats off the counter and approximates a shrug*

Calvin: Don't give me that. You could have just messed with my hats.

Pollock: *sourly* Delightful. I'm at a higher risk of being assaulted than normal at these get-togethers. Speaking of people likely to attack me, where's Cassanee?

Calvin: She's taking a nap. Hey, Cass, up and at 'em!

Cassanee: *wanders out of the guest room, yawning and scratching her head* Hello. Brought stuffing and one of the berry pies.

Pollock: Ah. How lovely, Cassanee.

CAP: *teases* Don't you mean the sullen girl?

Pollock: *glowers* Unlike you and the dolt, she's earned my using her name.

Calvin: How? By punching you in the face? I think everyone here's done that at least once.

Rhodez: I haven't.

CAP: You drove a van through her boardroom, though.

Rhodez: It was an accident!

Deadpool: A hilarious accident.

CAP: Wade! *rushes towards him, only to be cut off* Calvin!

Calvin: Not so fast. I have a strict "no symbiotes" policy in my apartment.

Rhodez: Wade's got a symbiote?

Calvin: At least temporarily, as part of his new ongoing. And it's a Carnage symbiote, which is even worse.

Deadpool: It's just a parasite. This is discrimination!

Calvin: Yeah, I'm taking lessons from the X-Men and their Krakoa horseshit. You bring the thing, Pollock?

Pollock: *pulls a pistol from her coat* Certainly. I've no interest in being attacked by homicidal tar monsters. Cover your ears.

*The pistol emits a low hum and a pulsing violet ray strikes Deadpool's abdomen*

Deadpool: Ooh, that tickles. *pause* Not in a good way, though. More in a - hang on.

*Deadpool sprints past everyone into the restroom. There's the sound of pants unzipping, and then a several minutes of pained groans, followed by a sigh of relief.*

Rhodez: Aw man.

CAP: Courtesy flush!

*The toilet flushes, only to be drowned out by an inhuman screech.*

Deadpool: Unholy shits! By the power of Liquid Plumber! *sounds of gunfire and more flushing. Deadpool finally emerges* OK, symbiote-free. But you might want to watch out that your bathroom doesn't come alive and try to kill you.

Rhodez: Didn't Stephen King write a story like that?

Calvin: Probably. I think he's turned every mundane object into the subject of a story at one point or another. Let me just move an air freshener in there and we can eat!

Narrator: MUCH EATING OF FOOD COMMENCED!

Pollock: "Much eating of food commenced?" That's such an awkward way to put that!

Calvin: *whispers to CAP* Are we paying him by the word?

Narrator: YES, INDEED YOU ARE PAYING ME BY THE -

Calvin: Ghost, if you don't mind?

Narrator: NOW JUST HOLD -

*Calvin's bike helmet floats into the air and strikes something*

Calvin: Thank you. Turns out you fight an intangible presence with another intangible presence. Will someone pass me the sweet and sour chicken?

Pollock: This seems like a more violent than normal Blogsgiving.

Calvin: *shrugs* Eh, I think the one where Cornelius showed up was worse. He annoyed everyone, and you were wasted and mouthing off. I distinctly remember people getting his with dishware and at least one fistfight involving a certain panda.

CAP: It wasn't a fight! *grins* It was a beatdown. Pollock was too drunk to fight properly.

Pollock: How dare you!

Rhodez: Should the rest of us go eat in a different room?

Cassanee: *surveying the apartment* Have to use the balcony.

Calvin: Nope, all corporeal fights have to go somewhere else.

Deadpool: Try the bathroom. You can't mess it up much worse.

*CAP and Pollock nod and step down the hallway. Everyone else keeps eating.*

Cassanee: Why the soup?

Calvin: I have a lot of cornbread, I thought a soup would go well with it.

Rhodez: You make the cornbread?

Calvin: Nah. I made the hash, but the cornbread was from my mom.

Rhodez: Nice.

*A pair of shrieks emerge from the bathroom, along with the inhuman screech from earlier.*

CAP: Kill it with fire!

Pollock: You kill it with fire!

Deadpool: Hey, can I add these onions in your fridge to my nachos?

Calvin: You can certainly try, but go out on the balcony to open the container.

Deadpool: Got it, biological attack on your neighbors. Good way to hoard more parking spaces! And, I'll just take this beer I found behind the onions with me.

Rhodez: Hands off my beer, Wade!

Deadpool: It's not yours if it's in my stomach! *tries to run, but finds himself unable to get traction*

Rhodez: I got better with my power. *takes back her beer* Now you can go.

Deadpool: *regains traction abruptly, runs uncontrolled out the screen door and over the railing* Whoo, those onions are strong! Too strong! My eyes! My manly, yet expressive eyes!

Calvin: You're at least gonna let him have one beer, right?

Rhodez: *shrugs* Probably. I'll be wasted after two. But he's gotta ask.

Cassanee: Fair. May I?

Rhodez: Sure. Calvin, wanna get down with the drinking?

CAP: Calvin, turn on your oven!

Calvin: Are you planning to cook the symbiote in my oven?

CAP: *unconvincingly* Noooooooo?

Pollock: *thrown out of the bathroom* For the love of my devoted employees, help me grab this thing and throw it in the imbecile's oven! Aaaaahh! *get dragged back into the bathroom*

CAP: *rushes after Pollock* You could at least say "please!"

Cassanee: *still eating* So could you.

CAP: Please!

Calvin: Not my oven. That came with the apartment, they'll be pissed. Use the microwave. It's like Firestar, minus the moral qualms about murdering!

*Clever Adolescent Panda and Pollock come staggering out of the bathroom, writhing ball of red-and-black clutched in their hands. Teeth form in the mass and snap at their faces as they chuck it in the microwave.*

CAP: Popcorn!

Calvin: *holding the microwave door shut as the screeching reaches a crescendo* Did you just quote Grosse Pointe Blank?

CAP: Yeah?

Calvin: Nice! But, you know that movie ended badly for Dan Ackroyd.

Deadpool: *climbs back over the balcony* And they always will. 

Rhodez: *hands Deadpool one beer* What's that mean?

Deadpool: He knows what he did.

Cassanee: You're making things up.

Calvin: The onion fumes went to his brain.

CAP: How can you tell?

Deadpool: Et tu, little fuzz buddy?

CAP: Wade, you don't make sense a lot of the time.

Deadpool: Blame Editorial.

Calvin: Marvel still has that?

Pollock: Would you all - oh never mind. I'm too hungry to care. Jabber on, witless drones.

Narrator: AFTER MORE EATING, THERE WAS -

Calvin: Ghost?

*a knife hovers in the air*

Narrator: NEVER MIND.

Calvin: Thank you. OK, expressions of gratitude time! I vote Clever Adolescent Panda has to go last, because the rest of us always feel inferior after their turn!

CAP: Hey!

Rhodez: Second!

CAP: Wait a second!

Cassanee: Third!

Deadpool: I'll go first! I am grateful for my new ongoing series, which is being written by one of Marvel's hot new writers, rather than the old farts who do mini-series set in specific points in continuity from 20 years ago! That means I'm still really popular! The X-men even let me hang out on their island orgy colony now!

Calvin: You're on X-Force, though. That's like the CIA, but even more morally suspect.

Pollock: Is that possible?

Calvin: The CIA uses people who commit human rights violations. I'm pretty sure Hank McCoy is a walking human rights violation at this stage.

Deadpool: I'm going to help him find the light and become the cheerful, bouncing guy he used to be!

CAP: When you aren't working for an elite group of assassins?

Deadpool: If Logan can alternate between mentoring teen girls and killing hundreds of Yakuza, why can't I kill people for money while advising others not to experiment on people?

CAP: I think most of Wolverine's mentoring is teaching those girls to kill people. That's not much of a difference. But I guess you can do better than him, so it's OK.

Calvin: Wade did try to get his daughter away from his life of violence, which is more than Logan ever does.

Deadpool: Daughter?

CAP: Oh right, Duggan mind-wiped that. Just wait until someone brings Eleanor back.

Deadpool: Eleanor? That name sounds vaguely familiar. Oh right, that was what Nic Cage called that car that gave him trouble in Gone in 60 Seconds!

CAP: *pats him on the shoulder* Sure Wade, that's it.

Pollock: *sighs* Well, this is taking a depressing turn, and Calvin hasn't even gone yet. Someone else?

Rhodez: I got out of that job I hated. I love my new job, and it's gonna give me the chance to move around a little. So yeah, I'm definitely liking where am I more than a year ago. Cass?

Cassanee: The raccoons' art is bringing in more tourists. It's annoying, but the money helps. We improved our roads a lot.

Pollock: Really? Do you think you'll soon have actual cars to drive on them, or are you still using lawnmowers?

Deadpool: Shots fired!

Calvin: Take the fighting elsewhere!

*Cassanee and Pollock step outside. No one is going near the bathroom*

CAP: Pollock didn't get to tell us what she was thankful for.

Calvin: *watching the fight in the parking lot* I'd say she's thankful for getting to roughhouse with you and Cass. Looks like she's having a great time out there.

Deadpool: Why doesn't anyone want to roughhouse with me?

CAP: You stab people.

Deadpool: Only the ones I hate!

*Cassanee lands a solid kick to the solar plexus and Pollock goes bouncing across the lot*

Calvin: Maybe less of a great time now. Ghost, you want a turn? 

*Various objects float in the air, twisting and rotating in a peculiar dance. Then they settle neatly on the counter.*

Deadpool: Heartwarming. The feel-good message of the holiday season.

Calvin: Uh-huh. Anyway, my turn!

Rhodez: Hang on, I need another beer!

Deadpool: Me too!

Rhodez: *clutches the remaining beers* I already gave you one!

Deadpool: *falls to his knees* Please, Calvin's thanks are too depressing, even for my life!

Rhodez: *thinks about it* Yeah, that's fair. You can have the last one.

Deadpool; Another thing to be thankful for! Now that I have my malty Kelvar, let's hear it!

Calvin: *looks at CAP* Well, you gonna plead for a beer, too?

CAP: *looking solemn* I have confidence you can give thanks that aren't terrible. For once.

Calvin: Remind me why I let all of you in my apartment? *sighs* OK, whatever. Work is a pain in the ass and a half. Best friend in the work unit moved, the other two are unreliable at actually getting work done. No joy there.

Rhodez: Oh God. *takes a big drink*

Calvin: But who expects work to be a thing worth thanking? The best thing it can say is it didn't interfere too much with the rest of my life. No health issues, so that's always good. No health issues for those I care about, minus whatever lumps Pollock's getting right now.

Rhodez: You care about Pollock?

Calvin: Eh, she's fun to have around, when she's only harassing me as opposed to trying to kill me. I went out and saw a few cool places this year I'd be meaning to go investigate, and a couple that were spur of the moment. Got a lot of writing done, including a couple of things I'd been trying to get finish for a while. At least one of which I'm really happy with. Good enough?

CAP: I thought so.

Rhodez: Yeah man. Wade?

Deadpool: *in the process of tying a noose* Hmm? Is he done?

Calvin: Ha, ha. Fuck you, see if I keep buying your comic after issue 2.

Deadpool: You'd give me less of a chance than Tiger Division?

Calvin: Actually kill Doc Ock and we'll see. Panda, send us off with a bang, would ya?

CAP: Oh, well, there's nothing too great. My family is doing fine. I got to see all of you, and ruin another of Pollock's rental cars on April Fools Day. I'm continuing my study program on exorcisms and spirits. I recovered an book of the dead from a weird cult that wanted to open a door to another dimension and destroy civilization. I'm trying to learn to make noodles from bamboo.

Rhodez: You mean where you use a bamboo pole to make noodles?

CAP: No, noodles made of bamboo. I thought it would be fun for a soup, or a pasta. It's not going very well, though.

Calvin: Seems like there'd be too much cellulose for that.

CAP: I think I can cook some of the rigidity out of it! *pauses to look at Deadpool*

Deadpool: What?

CAP: Aren't you going to make a joke about rigidity?

Deadpool: I would never joke about food. As long as you let me have some when you figure it out.

CAP: Deal.

Rhodez: Are Pollock and Cassanee still fighting?

Calvin: *peers out window* Yep. They oughta just get a room.