An Island, In A Sea Of Teardrops

So Ankiel hit a home run last night? {Yeah, it was on a bad curveball, and he was way out in front, and he only swung with basically one arm, but yeah.} That's sounds pretty cool. {It was actually, his swing was so ugly, it was like a Willie McGee flashback of something. And I've decided that Rick's nickname will be "Ricky-Tikki-Tavi".} That's lame! {It is not, you just need to read more Rudyard Kipling! And it's appropriate.} Really? {Yes. One day I'll explain to you how Rikki being half-drowned when the boy finds him is a metaphor for Mike Matheny slicing tendons in his finger with the hunting knife he got for his birthday right before the playoffs in 2000, and how the cobras are a metaphor for. . . peer pressure. Yeah, that's the stuff.} Are you making this up? {Sort of. There are parallels; just not really those particular parallels.} You're silly. {And you're stalling.} Am not!

We're starting with Hugs, so here's one for the little baby, Ben Parker, who - {No! No hugging that baby until the story arc is safely concluded!} But - {No buts!} Fine, then I'll Hug everyone else in the Parker family, since they're all having a bad time too. Do you promise I get to hug the baby after the story ends? {As long as the current situation gets reversed, yes.} OK, I'll move on. Is it OK if I Hug Wraith? I mean, I know he didn't seem to care about the torture, but I still feel bad for him. {Yeah, you can hug him. I don't know that it'll mean anything to a guy who only seems to feel pain, but you never know.} A Hug for that Evil Beast. {You mean the one in New Excalibur, or Dark Beast in those Endangered Species back-up stories?} The first one. He died trying to fight the bad guys, so I felt a little sad for him. {I thought the depths he went trying to delude himself was amusing. Focusing on his next breath to stay alive? He was stabbed in the heart! Breathing exercises won't help!} He was fighting his fear, cut him some slack! {OK, sorry I touched a nerve.} Well, you're being mean1

. . .

Say, where did that Dark Beast come from? {I have absolutely no idea. Something about Age of Apocalypse, but since that was a reality-altering thing that got undone, I have no idea what he's doing here. Hypertime, maybe?} Oh, that's weird. Hug for all those stranded Kree soldiers. They aren't ever going to get home are they? {If they do, it probably won't be as themselves. They'll be Phalanx drones, unless Nova 0001 pulls off something big.} I think everyone in X-Factor could use a hug. {Naw, I think Madrox and Rictor are good. Guido just needs someone to lighten up and laugh. Layla could probably use one, and a doctor too} Well, then I guess the Hug is for her. And Siryn, because she got shot. {Ah, she's probably used to that sort of thing by now.} You think so? {No.}

Oh, you can't stop being sarcastic can you? {Never! Now picture me on a mountaintop screaming "Never!" Now picture a dozen of me dancing on a stage singing "Never, never, never, never, never, never!"} I get it, never. Applause then. Hmm, Ko-Rel, the new Nova, she's doing pretty well with no training. {Well, she has military training, just no Nova Force training. I wonder if Rich being under Phalanx control affects her connection to the Nova Force. Can he just take it back from her?} That would be really bad, so let's hope he can't. {Yeah, maybe it's only Rich that's infected, not the Worldmind.} Applause for Guido, because I thought his jokes were funny. I don't get why nobody else would laugh. {New edict for Joe Quesada, similar to his "No smoking" decree: No more laughing by Marvel characters, as Marvel comics are a serious business, and there's no room for jocularity.} That's terrible! I'll Bonk him silly! {Whoa, little panda! That was me, being sarcastic again. Remember how I said I wouldn't stop?} Well, it's not funny. {It was a little funny.} No, you aren't funny. {Gasp! How could you say such cruel things? *runs sobbing from the room*} He was the one being a dork, why do I feel bad? {*returns to room* It's a gift we humans have, to make the fine, upstanding amongst us feel like tools for being that way. We're idiots that way.} You sure are. You think it would be wrong to give Dazzler Applause because I liked all the pretty lights? {Well, she might think that's a bit frivolous to be concerning yourself with right now, but they're your paws. You can clap if you want, clap if you want to.} Why did you say it twice? {Just riffing on an old song.}

{You already handed out one Bonk, I suppose, got any more?} Bonk for Carnage, or Specimen #297, or whatever, for taking advantage of his host's worries. It's not like the symbiote can do what it promised, right? {Actually, it probably can. It's just of a question of "when" it'll surrender the carrot it can dangle in front of the host's nose.} Mmm, do you have any carrots? {No. You know this is Microwaveable Territory, where fresh foods dare not venture.} Fine, then Bonk to Sage for just being totally out of control now. I don't care which people she's killing, it is totally unacceptable, and I don't like it. {Yeah, I think the "unacceptable" part made that clear. She is kind of morally ambiguous, just like Pete Wisdom. He kills people too, you know.} Yeah, but he's usually on the right side. {As far as you know.} Whatever, I want to end with an extra-hard series of Bonks to all those people at that anti-mutant concert in X-Factor. That's just so terrible of them, to be so happy about other people's misfortune, just because those people were a little different. {Like I said, people are idiots. Would I be correct in assuming that this large order of Bonks is why there are so many more pandas than normal in my apartment today?} Yes, I brought them in to help. This way everyone gets a really solid Bonk, because we won't get as tired. {Good thinking. That it?} Yes, now can we have some carrot-flavored ice cream?

*All pandas at once* Ice cream!

{Forget, there is no way I am buying ice cream for all of you. Especially carrot-flavored! What they heck is wrong with you ABP, that's just disgusting! So unless you all have pockets hidden somewhere in your fur, filled with money. . . *pauses as pandas pull gold coins from their fur* well then, we're going for ice cream! Not carrot-flavored though.}