Traces of April, But It's An Afternoon In August

I wanna talk about Mail Order Ninja, so let's get started! {. . .} Are you OK? {Huh? Yeah, I'm fine, just a tad preoccupied. Go ahead and get started.}

Well, alright. It would be easy to Bonk evil, rich girl Felicity Dominique Huntington, so I will. Unleashing evil ninja hordes on an unsuspecting town, how dare she? But I'm also going to Bonk Timmy's little sister Lindsay, because she's bratty, annoying, and she sold her brother out to a bully. My sister does that all that time, she's so mean! {You have a sister?} Yea-huh. She's older, but she's still a brat, always kissing up to mom and blaming me when all the ice cream is gone. {Well, you do like ice cream. . .} Hey, you're supposed to be on my side! {I am, I am! Guy Solidarity Powers, activate! Form of a yucky, girl-terrifying bug!} Huh? {Never mind. You never get my jokes.} Because they aren't funny. {Let's not get into an argument about which of us is less funny.} Fine, besides, we both know it's you. {What was that?!} Nothing! Moving on.

I"m gonna Hug Timmy and Lindsay's parents. Ninjas, and mind control, and their daughter being bratty, it can't be easy. {You're not going to ease off the "bratty sister" thing anytime soon, are you?} No. {Well, I don't think the parents have it that bad. I mean, the dad is in a band, so I'm sure he embarrasses his children on a regular basis with his attempts to rock out.} But the band's name is "Funk Upside Your Head", that's cool. {I don't know, it sounds kind of dirty. Then again, Krusty the Clown says words that sound dirty are the basis of comedy.} But it's not supposed to be funny, is it? {To Timmy's dad and his band? No, probably not. To us, the reader, looking at it from the outside? Yeah, I think we're supposed to laugh.} I'm starting to get confused. {Me too. This is why I stay away from Mr. Grant "17-layers-of subtext" Morrison. I'd just get a headache.} I feel kind of bad for the mom, Carol, because she seems like she just gets to sit in the middle of all this and be normal. {I'm sure subsequent volumes will reveal her to have some mad dance skills, or maybe be a knife-fighting expert. Man, that would be cool, Jiro the Ninja teams up with the Master of the Flamenco Knife Dance, Carol McAllister!} Yes, exactly! More knives!

{Um, no knives, applause.} Fine. Applause for Herman, for beating Jiro at Street Kombat. Every brainiac will have their day. {Really? Hmm, hopefully Superman is smart enough to hide somewhere when Brainiac has his day. What number are they up to on Brainiac's these days? It's not as many as Ultron is, he's up to like 700,000. Brainiac-13?} He needs to add "mark" in there, it would sound cooler. "Brainiac Mark-13". {Heh, you've obviously never seen Brainiac during his "green-skinned alien in tighty-whities" phase. Man wouldn't know cool if a Kryptonian used super coolness to create enough static electricity to blow him up.} Oh. Well, anyway, Applause for Timmy and Jiro, for saving the day, naturally. I don't think anything more needs to be said. {Not if you want to keep from spoiling it for our loyal readers.}