How Does This Go Again?

Adorable Baby Panda: Calvin! Why is Darkseid after my bamboo stew? CalvinPitt: {Huh? Oh, that. Darkseid wasn't after your stew specifically, it's more that it falls under that heading of "everything", which is what Darksei'd really after.} Then it's still in trouble! We have to do something! {You're really concerned about this? *ABP nods vigorously* OK, you get to work on the comics, I'll come up with something.} Promise? {Have no fear.}

Well alright then! I think all of Spider-Girl's friends can use Hugs, because they all got beat up by. um Calvin? {Yeah?} Should I call the person who beat up Spider-Girl's friends Norman Osborn or Peter Parker? {Osborn, of course. It's his mind that's running the show.} Then another Bonk for Norman Osborn. Maybe I should give him some applause for recording his mind on a computer? {Nah, characters have been doing that for years, including Doc Ock during the '90s Clone Saga, I think.}

I'm giving Enemy Ace Applause for being kind of nice, and Booster gets a Hug, because he saved Max Lord's ancestor, but didn't know it. {Booster would have saved him anyway.} I know that! Are you sure you're working on something to help? {Yes, but I'll stop interjecting if it'll bolster your confidence.}

Bob gets Applause for trying to help Deadpool, and Wade gets a bonk for making fun of Bob's throwing arm. Deadpool: [Oh come on! His throwing arm is weaker than watered down deacf! First rule of mercing: Never pass up easy targets!] I thought the first rule was "Do things the hard way because it looks cooler and impresses girls". [That was in a different world, before Secret Invasion changed everything! Didn't you hear about that, how it changed everything?] OK, I won't hit you for that. I will Bonk you for hiding in the homeless shelter and putting all those people at risk, instead of just fighting Tiger Shark! BONK!

Carrion is going to get a Hug, because Star-Lord kept hitting him, even when he helped them. But Gorilla Man gets a Bonk, because he couldn't remember Star-Lord's name. It's Star-Lord! It's not hard! Are you done yet? {No. Keep going.} OK, Nova gets a Hug, because he lost his powers. He also gets a Bonk, because he's acting weird, but he also gets Applause because he didn't give in to peer pressure. {Geez, maybe you're the one who's gone nuts.} Are you done now?!

{Yes. Behold!} It's a pink balloon with a face drawn on it. {Hey, it also has slippers glued to it, and it comes with a hand vaccuum. Now, when Darkseid comes for your stew, hold up the balloon, kept the hand vac hidden behind you, and turn it on. He'll think Kirby's going to swallow him up and again, and he'll retreat. It's a brilliantly elegant solution, if I do say so myself.} This can't help! {Sure it can. Take it home with you, and keep it close by. I guarantee Darkseid won't steal your stew. or any of your other stuff, for that matter.} Well, I guess I can try it. Thank you.