Loud, Screaming Expletives Deleted

It's oddly apropos for the Arizona Cardinals to lose Super Bowl 43 like that. The furious 4th quarter comeback, followed by the subsequent loss of the lead on the next possession. I feel as though I've seen them lose so many times in a similar fashion the last 16 seasons. Even so, that was an especially severe kick in the nuts. The Powers That Be reminding me I still root for the Arizona Cardinals. What, I thought this was the franchise's big moment in the sun, and I'd get to do a big, happy celebration post? Ha, ha, joke's on me, we're talking about the Arizona Cardinals. Pardon me a moment.

*steps away from computer*

*punches wooden bed frame 3 times*

*curses*

Well, that didn't help nearly as much as it did at halftime. There's a lot more I'm considering saying, but it's all hateful, mean-spirited, and usually involves wishing death or severe injury on various parties. Let me instead try to focus on the good times.

*steps away from computer*

*tries to focus on good times*

*fails*

*wait, no, might be succeeding*

*nope, no, failing*

Well, that didn't work. Maybe tomorrow. So I'll try and be a good sport. To the Pittsburgh Steelers and their fans: Good game. You won, fair and square. Enjoy your sixth Super Bowl trophy. I'm going to stop there, because I'm having a really hard time keep the hatred at bay.

Edit: You know what? Fuck restraint. I'm going to let it fly.

Pittsburgh Steelers and their fans: What the fuck do you need a sixth Super Bowl trophy for? You couldn't fucking share the wealth a little, you title bogarting assholes?! Didn't you hear the NFL is about parity? Share the wealth, comrades, or I'll douse you in potato vodka and light you on fire to warm my frozen heart.

John Madden: Stop fucking saying players have 'big, strong hands'. You said it 700 fucking times in the 4th quarter, and if I hear it again I will stab you in the liver with an egg-beater and give your insides a good thrashing. Think of it as a more direct colonoscopy. Without anaesthetic. And with me screaming "DIE!" in your face the whole time.

Kurt Warner: Had you won, I would shower you with accolades the likes of which not seen on this blog since I was offering up my non-existent sister to Keith Giffen during Annihilation. Since you lost, however, what the fuck was that interception at the end of the first half!? You are on the 2-yard line! You must get points! Any points! Why did you throw the ball into the middle of the field, where the density of ravenous Steelers' defenders is greater? Lo, I am conflicted. Part of me says I owe you for the beautiful comeback attempt, and for Arizona being moderately relevant this year. The other part of me says I need to smack you across the mouth with your heaviest Bible for that INT. Decisions.

Santonio Holmes: Damn you and your excellent balance. I believe we will need to take a corkscrew to the tendons in your feet, like the bad guy did to Tom Berenger's hand in Sniper. I'm uncertain what that will do to your feet, but I'm willing to find out. Really nice catch, though.

James Harrison: May a sick, rabid cat scratch your face, then barf into the open wound. How dare you intercept that pass then run it all the way for a TD? However, thank you for that unsportsmanlike conduct penalty on the punt. Nice of you to be an ass, so I didn't feel nearly so bad about despising Mr. Defensive Player of the Year. Also, fine technique on the shirt pull and sucker punches. Perhaps you should consider the NHL?

The Refs: No, I'm not going to blame you for the loss. Not your fault Mike Gandy needed to hold constantly. However, what was with that roughing the passer penalty on Dansby in the 3rd quarter? He gives Ben a shove, and it's a 15-yard penalty? Roethlisberger's already survived his unprotected head slamming into a windshield, so anything short of me placing his head flat on an anvil and then bringing a sledgehammer down on it probably can't "rough" him. Along that same line, roughing the holder on Wilson?! He stumbles into him, and that's roughing?! Besides, it was Mitch Fucking Berger! You know, the asshole that pulled a flop right out of Vlade Divac's repertoire in the AFC Championship game? Unless that twerp has a bone breaking through the skin, you shouldn't flag anything that even remotely looks like roughing because he's hamming it up. Fucking punter, making me start to hate kickers, which makes me start to sound like Skip Bayless, and that can not stand.

Mitch Berger: For all the things I detailed above, I curse you. For the remainder of your days, anytime you try and punt a football, it will mysteriously deflate, so that you will get no distance or hang time on the kick. Also, your foot will always stick in the turf, so that you will not be able to pratfall. Rather, your leg will be caught, you will bend awkwardly, and one of your cruciate ligaments will go POP! I have spoken!

The Refs: Yes, again. This one is conditional, because I am unclear as to whether or not any sort of review was conducted on that last Arizona offensive play. Did they just look in the booth and not hassle the refs? I'd like to know, because it sure looked like Warner's arm was coming forward. Arizona could have had one more play there, which means the old Hail Mary, and they keep saying Fitzgerald can outjump everybody, that would have been prime time to prove it. And it would have been a heck of a lot more interesting ending - however it went - than "Ben takes a knee". Still not blaming the refs for the loss, just wondering what happened there. It's potentially the deciding play of the Super Bowl, how can you not take every precaution to make sure you get it right?

{Edit, Monday afternoon: OK, looked around a bit online, regarding the Warner fumble. What I found was the booth guys did look at the replay, and concluded it wasn't close enough to bother having the refs review. For it to qualify as an incomplete pass, Warner needed to have control of the ball when he brought his arm forward, and they felt the ball was already coming out, thus, fumble. I was not aware that was the rule, but okey-doke. I think the refs could have explained that was the logic behind the ruling, just so the audience was clear on what was going on, but que sera, sera.}