A Little Bit Of Nonsense To Pass The Time

What to post about, what to post about?

Voice From Behind Him: Perhaps you could post about your death?

That would be kind of tricky. Either it'd be speculation, or I'd be posting from the afterlife. Oh, hey UnCalvin! That looks like a really interesting weapon, can I take a look at it?

UnCalvin: Certainly, I dislike it anyway. *tosses weapon to Calvin. Pauses* Curses, give that back!

Calvin: Um, no. *sets weapon aside* This was a bit half-hearted by your standards, wasn't it?

UnCalvin: Well, you've been so busy planning out every little thing you're going to do and when, it's been hard to come up with a bigger strategy.

Calvin: Don't blame me for your personality shifts! You were supposed to be bucking that last summer, remember? You helped destroy your own Flying Castle to stop an interdimensional monster?

UnCalvin: *Looks glum* Yes, a fine reward for a good deed, losing my base of operations. I assure you, next time, it will be your home that gets destroyed.

Calvin: My home? I had nothing to do with that! I'm the constant victim in these stories, remember? Go destroy Deadpool's home, if you could even tell the difference once you finished. Or attack the pandas. Besides, I'm sure you have a new base up and running by now.

UnCalvin: I'm not so foolish as to declare open war on pandas, but yes, I do have a new base. One more powerful and difficult to access than before!

Calvin: Oh, is it an undersea complex of bubbles, connected by a labyrinthine series of pipes?

UnCalvin: *eye twitches, presses concealed button on pocket watch* Of course not! Why would anyone build such a thing! You're being absurd!

{Elsewhere, at the bottom of the ocean, a vast complex of bubbles, connected by a labyrinthine series of pipes begins to self-destruct.}

UnCalvin: *inner monologue* At least I hadn't staffed the complex yet. Can't imagine my benefactor will be pleased with the loss, though. *end inner monologue*

Calvin: Jeez, calm down. I was just kidding around.

UnCalvin: What? You weren't serious? OH, why did I just destroy my undersea *punches self in face* I mean, of course, how very amusing of you.

Calvin: Wow, that looked painful.

UnCalvin: Not at all. Quite invigorating. You should really try it some time.

Calvin: I hurt myself enough without trying. I don't need to start intentionally injuring myself. Anyway, I'm sure you've actually set up shop in an orbital platform, with a city destroying laser cannon, right?

UnCalvin: *eye twitches, starts to press another hidden button, this one located on another watch, then stops* You're just kidding again, right?

Calvin: *staring absently out window* Huh? Oh yeah, just goofing around. Why do you have two watches?

UnCalvin: Actually I have 3. The pocket watch is 15 minutes slow every day, this wrist watch is 10 minutes fast every other Tuesday, and this third one doesn't stopped working last week.

Calvin: So how do you tell the time?

UnCalvin: The clock on my cellphone.

Calvin: *pokes UnCalvin in both eyes* You chowderhead. You're supposed to have 3 wrist watches that are useless, then pull out a pocket watch to tell time with! That's how the bit goes!

UnCalvin: Bit?

Calvin: Oh right, I guess you never watched the Three Stooges, did you?

UnCalvin: No.

Calvin: *shakes head sadly* I could try renouncing my love for them, if it would help.

UnCalvin: Thank you for the kind offer, but no. Well, this has all been terribly boring, so I'll be taking my leave. *pauses* My weapon?

Calvin: Seeing as I can't figure out how to unload it, it'll be staying with me.

UnCalvin: *sighs* Very well. This indignity shall be listed next to the others on your headstone, which I assure you will arrive in the near future!

Calvin: Wait, why would you list indignities you suffered on my headstone?

UnCalvin: Well, uh, you know, as an explanation for your death. So that all can see you had this coming!

Calvin: Oh. That makes sense, I guess. Couldn't you just put something like 'He was a fool, and died as a fool dies'? They charge by the letter on those things, don't they?

UnCalvin: Yes, and it's quite an exorbitant sum. perhaps you have something there. the headstone was going to have to be quite large to list all the indignities. I will have to reconsider, especially in light of recent financial setbacks.

Calvin: *smirks* Yeah, I'd imagine having to blow up your completely finished undersea bubble base, complete with sinuous connector pipes, would be quite a hit to the bank account.

UnCalvin: *Gawks* You knew? You said you were just kidding around!

Calvin: *sighs, leans chair back against the wall, starts ticking points off on his fingers* One, of course I knew. We're opposites. I'd go nuts in an undersea base at the bottom of the ocean. Two, of course I lied. I lie sometimes, just like you're honest sometimes. Three, I was kidding around. Didn't you think it was funny when you panicked and destroyed your expensive Sunken Citadel? I did.

UnCalvin: *sputters* You, but, I, my, youuuu *raises voice* WILL RUE THIS DAY THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INCREASINGLY SHORT LIFESPAN! I will break that headstone over your head like a cheap tennis racket!

Calvin: That certainly sounds like a waste of money. And what about the person who went to all the trouble to make that headstone? Not very respectful of their work.

UnCalvin: *bellows, turns, and storms out*