It's A Super Crisis!

*looks around wildly* It is critical you pay attention at this time, I've figured out something horrifying that you must learn! The Pittsburgh Steelers. . . are actually Darkseid!

. . .

What do you mean I'm just bitter? This isn't about something as trivial as my favorite team losing the Super Bowl, this is serious! Crazy? Of course I'm crazy! No sane person could have seen through a disguise so cleverly conceived! In fact, you must be this *gesticulates wildly* crazy to believe this*! Adorable Baby Panda's bamboo stew depends on it! Just listen:

Steelers: Hail from Pittsburgh, city of industry. Steel is forged in their burning, blistering fires.
Darkseid: Hails from Apokolips, which has lots of fire pits, furnaces, and people toiling at those furnaces, if the Superman cartoon from the '90s is anything to go by. So there must be industry going on there, the making of weapons that will be used to conquer us, if nothing else!

Steelers: Use a defense that is simultaneously lightning quick and bone-shatteringly powerful to destroy the will of their opponents, and force them to submit. Hits their opponents so hard, so many times, the opponents either surrender, or feel as though they are living an endless nightmare!
Darkseid: Uses vast armies of Parademons, Female Furies, and Purifiers to crush all resistance and impose his will. If all else fails, can unleash the Omega Sanction, forcing those who defy him to live through an endless series of horrible lives designed to shatter their will for good!

Steelers: Have a fanbase that is spread across the country, all of them operating under the single-minded goal of aiding the Steelers in their plans to impose their will on every team in the NFL. No matter where you travel, there will be Steelers fans there, waving their Terrible Towels, the garish yellow blinding you to the Steelers' more subtle tactics**.
Darkseid: In Final Crisis, demonstrated the ability to project his spirit through over three billion people simultaneously, all of them carrying out his will, without question or delay. Everywhere you turn, there is Darkseid. For Darkseid, is. . . ugly as sin. But that's neither here nor there!

This situation is dire! It's our story, but we'll require the help of the characters we've created to save us! And help us they will, for if we are destroyed, they will be as well! Our only hope is to find the Dance of Life, and then bust a move! For life, for individuality! So search, search, damn you!!

* Now am I ripping off Morrison here, or Kirby? Well, I suppose everyone rips off Kirby these days, so I might as well get in on it. At least I'm not making any money off this. Hmm, I've fallen out of character. I mean, of course I'm not making money off this, the fate of the world is at stake! This is no time to be concerned with monetary assets, or with any strange similarities between my speech patterns and those of writers! Didn't you read all those dire signs in the paragraphs above!?

** This would be what we call the offense. It would have to be subtle compared to the bludgeoning the defense brings, though it is hard for me to picture any offense helmed by a 250-pound QB that scrambles around all over the damn place, heaving the ball across the field like a loon, and having it somehow be caught for a first down, damn him, as "subtle".