We Can Never Get Right To Work

*ABP enters, tosses a suit coat to one side, rolls up sleeves on its shirt, and hops up on the computer table.* Let's go! {Why are you wearing a shirt?} So I can roll up the sleeves. It shows I mean business. {You always mean business.} There are lots of people to hug, no more time to waste! But first. . . *lights cigarette, pours tumbler of brandy* this pricey liquor, and smooth tobacco will help me think. {You're too young for that stuff, give it here!} Awww. {What, have been watching Mad Men or something?}

Bob needs a Hug, because Scourge cut him. I think Scourge needs a Hug, too. Venus' singing made him freak out, and I think he's had a bad time. {Putting it mildly.} The rest of the Agents need Hugs. {I think antidotes would be better.} Dr. Mid-Nite needs a Hug because he got sick, and Power Girl needs a Hug for having to deal with Vartox. Blue Snowman gets a Hug because her day just kept getting worse. Vartox' people need Hugs because they can't have kids anymore. {I want the Ix Negaspike to get a hug, too.} What? No! It ate Blue Snowman! {After she attacked it, which came after it was captured and hauled into an entirely different dimension to be used as part of Vartox' idiotic courtship dance. Then it was frozen and punched into pieces. It just needs love.} Then why don't you hug it? {Not my department. I"m in Suggestions and Sarcasm.} Really? {Yep.} What department am I? {Operations and Optimism.}

Cool. {So you'll give the Ix Negaspike a hug?} No. {Fine. Give Yellow Claw a Bonk.} Why? {He's the one who established the chemical weapons facility the Thunderbolts destroyed.} Oh yeah. Isn't he dead? {Like that stops you. Or maybe it wouldn't stop the old you. Not sure about this new you, who's stingy with the hugs.} I don't care what you say, I'm not hugging Ix Negaspike. {Fine. Then you can finish this without the help of the Department of Suggestions and Sarcasm. Oh yeah, and I'm also the Department of Dictation and Transcription!} What? Come back! You know it's hard for me to type! I don't have my typing wand! Aww, shoot. OK, the Ix Negaspike gets a Hug. Will you come back now? {Sure. What else?} Power Girl earned Applause for helping Dr. Mid-Nite, and those alien yetis get Bonks for making it so Vartox' people can't have kids. {It's a different way of settling things, you have to admit. Nobody was even killed.} It's still wrong to do that. {Oh absolutely, I'm just surprised their solution was something other than a bloody slaughter. It is the DC Universe, you know, where people vomit lava blood as a weapon.}