And Lo, Security Deposits Shall Be Lost!

[Last time, Clever Adolescent Panda was stymied by the hideous monotony of the Predator Drone. Cassanee, the Lady in Orange, tried to force UnCalvin to call off the attack, only to find herself in battle against the shapeshifting corporate mogul. In the running battle that followed, Cass found herself on the defensive before the array of traps and mad science gimmicks UnCalvin had at her disposal. Ultimately, they wound up in the same room as CAP, and all three were nearly destroyed when Dr. Pennington's ambition led him to turn the Predator Drone against his boss. The three set aside their differences long enough to kill the nattering monstrosity, and Dr. Pennington was escorted out of the building. Leaving two dazed and battered heroes to contend with one very put out foe.]

UnCalvin: Ah, my youngest old foe, our long association is at an end. *Notices the package strapped to CAP's back* And just what is that? Another gag pie?

CAP: *still a bit groggy* No.

UnCalvin: Oh, so it's a bomb is it? You couldn't trick me into destroying my base again, so you're going to do it yourself? Is that what you've become in your adolescence?

CAP: No! It's not that!

UnCalvin: *In full rant* Do you understand how much important work we do here? We're working on clean energy solutions, like our solar powered fans.

CAP: Oh, because it's sunny on the days you need a fan the most.

UnCalvin:  *blinks* Hmm, I hadn't considered that. We're using them to power 500-foot high fans that generate massive winds to make our wind turbines move and generate electricity we can sell.

CAP: What? That makes no sense! You could just sell the solar power!

UnCalvin: Then what would I do with all those wind turbines?

Cassanee: You're an idiot.

CAP: That is such a scam!

UnCalvin: No, us receiving government oil subsidies even though we have nothing to do with oil is a scam.

{A collective gasp from nearby causes UnCalvin to look up and notice that Dr. Lakshmi chose that moment to lead the tour group into the Bio-Psycho Ward. She had meant to show them their work on pest control through exposure to high sodium diets. namely, corn chips. It had the added bonus of serving as diet control for the client, since the pest would be eating the chips before they could. Instead they walked into a mess, with one person bound in a putty like substance, an indignant panda, and a ranting redhead waving a sword. Dr. Lakshmi begins mentally updating her resume.}

UnCalvin: *quickly* Look, I can explain the oil subsidies. *pause* We needed them to fund the new break rooms. Just look at that!

{UnCalvin gestures across the hall, to a room fill with soft lighting. A fountain near the back sprays water in wonderful patterns as songbirds flutter around. A string quartet sits across from the coffee maker, playing gentle soaring music. The table set in the middle of the exquisitely comfortable couches is stocked with neatly cut cheeses and breads. UnCalvin also shifts slightly, adding an inch or two of height, altering her vocal cords to add a little more bass and authority.}

UnCalvin: It's not just the initial construction, you know. Fancy cheeses don't come cheap. Between the mist from the fountain and the bird poop, the cleaning bills for the quartets' suits are extraordinary! But our employees are worth it because they make great things! And now our competitors sent a panda to conduct industrial espionage! Can you imagine the callousness. *Sympathetic murmurs from the tour group*

CAP: It's not industrial espionage. I'm just bringing you the Blender Furby Calvin and I tried to give you months ago as a gift! You ran off without it, remember?

UnCalvin: *blinks rapidly* What?

Person in the tour group: Excuse me, what's a Blender Furby?

CAP: *always eager to help* It's a blender in the shape of a cute little critter that learns to talk from listening to conversations around you.

Blender Furby: Potluck on war! Popcorn the Fire Nation euchre shuffle! 

Different person in the tour group: Oh, well that's just adorable! Where can I get one?

CAP: I really just have the one.

First tour person: And this company isn't interested in supporting such a great invention? I'm not sure they have the vision I'm looking to throw my money away recklessly on! I'm out of here! *Murmurs of agreement, tour group begins to leave*

UnCalvin: No, wait, you don't understand! The panda and his friends have destroyed at least four of my operations already! I had good reason to be suspicious! Come baaaack!

{It's to no avail. The investors leave, though a few pause in the break room to swipe some cheeses.}

UnCalvin: *eyes burning, teeth gritted, sword clenched until the knuckles whiten* Again, and again, and again, you cast me into ruin! We were this close to be publicly traded, and the things I could have done with those resources! This kind of bad word of mouth can be a death sentence for a company just starting out! What is your problem?!

CAP: *genuinely contrite* I didn't mean to. It was just supposed to be a joke. The gag gift, funny, you know?

UnCalvin: A joke? A JOKE?! Here's a funny one for you: After I finish decapitating the two of you, I'm going to sew your heads on that drone's body and use it for target practice! Does that tickle your funny bone!?

CAP: *uncertainly* Not really.

UnCalvin: *shrugs, raises sword* Ah well, humor's a subjective thing.

{CAP had originally been trying to free Cassanee from the polymer she was wrapped up in, only to be distracted with all the talking. So she's still trapped, but able to raise her legs sharply enough to launch the panda sitting on them into the air. CAP grasps the intent immediately and lashes out with its right leg, sending UnCalvin reeling, and the sword flying from her hand. Before UnCalvin can recover, CAP's frayed the bindings enough that it and Cass are able to get her free of it.}

UnCalvin: * mumbling to self* It never ends. *Louder* Fine, we'll handle this in a more messy fashion. *Reaches into a nearby cabinet and withdraws a small yellow object* We've been working on explosive fruit, to create weapons that are also emergency rations. Care for a mango?

{UnCalvin pulls a pin from the mango and hurls it at the two. They each leap to opposite sides of the room, but underestimate the concussive force. It hurls CAP against a wall, and Cass out the still open window, as she only narrowly grabs the edge of the glass. CAP rises, slowly, to a vicious kick to the midsection, sending it smashing through the wall and into the hallway. UnCalvin smirks satisfactorily, and turns to see Cassanee pulling herself back into the room.}

Blender Furby: Kratos needs to worry less about upper body strength, and take some gymnastics classes.

UnCalvin: *haughty* Idiot, eh?

Cassanee: Yes. Also crazy.

UnCalvin: *glaring daggers, picks up her sword from where CAP dropped it* I don't like you. You don't say much, but what you do is ugly. *over her shoulder through the hole in the wall* Where's your old partner? I always liked him.

CAP: Then tell Calvin to hurry up and start buying Deadpool.

UnCalvin: *grinning* After I've finished here, perhaps I shall.

{UnCalvin abruptly leaps backwards through the hole, spinning as she does so to slash at CAP. The panda rolls out of the way, but receives another kick for its trouble as UnCalvin followed the sword with her foot. The panda skids down the hall. UnCalvin brings the leg back to the ground and pushes off starting a full charge towards the dazed foe. Before she can reach her target, Cassanee hurls the headless body of the Predator Drone through the door between them. UnCalvin slices through it cleanly, but this leaves her side exposed to a sharp jab from Cassanee that staggers UnCalvin. CAP rises to its feet, then has to leap back - pulling Cassanee out of range by her cloak as it does - as UnCalvin lobs another exploding fruit. All three are thrown against walls roughly, but it does buy UnCalvin some space.}

CAP: That wasn't even a mango. Just a grenade you painted yellow.

UnCalvin: True. We've had some difficulties with converting the citric acid to thermite on a controlled basis. The whole point is you can eat if you don't need it to kill someone else. We may need to re-engineer human digestive systems, honestly, but I'm hopeful that modifying plants to respond to music will be the first step in making them produce different chemical agents on command. So the fruit grenade will require a musical trigger. Perhaps something easily whistled?

Cassanee: *doubtful* You think you can manage that?

UnCalvin: I don't know. But the idea struck me one day, and I thought, "Why not?" There's always someone willing to try something if you can provide the funds. Which may not be happening now, thank you very much.

CAP: *grumbling* I already apologized.

UnCalvin: So what now? The two of you team up to beat me to a pulp?

CAP: No.

Cassanee: Yes.

CAP: What? I just want to deliver the Furby and leave.

Cassanee: She's dangerous, and tried to kill us.

UnCalvin: Don't take it personally. I was really only trying to kill the panda. You were in the way, that's all.

CAP: *pinches bridge of nose* Not helping.

Androzier: Step away from the Commandant!

{Androzier has leveled a fairly large, sleek looking handgun at them.}

CAP: *stifling grin* What's that? Another gun that shoots boxing gloves?

{Androzier aims at the wall and depresses the trigger. A section of the wall large enough to drive a small car through disappears.}

CAP: *gulps loudly*

Androzier: I'm not interested in those sorts of weapons. I prefer ones that eliminate security risks, not humiliate them.

Cassanee: *scoffs* It's not enough. You're still outclassed.

Androzier: You think so? The panda doesn't seem so sure.

CAP: I really just want to give you the Blender Furby and go, OK?

Loud Voice from the Elevator: What in the Sam Hell has happened here?

{Everyone turns to regard an older woman as she stands by the elevators, gaping open-mouthed at the scene before. Her eyes survey everything, then narrow as them lock onto the players. UnCalvin has shifted back to the older male form he was in earlier.}

UnCalvin: Ms. Granglin! I can explain.

Ms. Granglin: You can explain why I've got cops cordoning off my building because of glass raining down on the sidewalks? You can explain why none of my tenants can come inside, because the police keep hearing explosions and can't decide whether it's a gas leak or a terrorist attack? You can explain your goons marching into the middle of all that and hurling some poor guy in a lab coat out into the street? They all got detained because the cops think this might be a hostage situation!

UnCalvin: *looks at Androzier* Hurled in the street?

Androzier: You said he could walk out the door on his own two feet. You didn't say anything about after.

UnCalvin: *pinches bridge of nose* Not helping.

Ms. Granglin: Then I manage to make my way up here, and look what you've done to the place! I knew I should have thrown you out after the noise complaints from the Rosenbergs!

UnCalvin: Now Ms. Granglin, I explained to you then that wasn't us, it was those college students in 37C, who I'm also quite certain are meth dealers, so. . .

Ms. Granglin: I don't want to hear it! Look at all this damage! You're chucking explosives around, removing walls, I told you not modifying the existing floorplan without clearing it with me first!

UnCalvin: Well you see - what?

Ms. Granglin: And you've brought a pet in here! That is against the rules, and I'm going to have you evicted for violating your lease! And you'll be paying for these damages, you can be sure of that!

UnCalvin: *voice rising* Oh really? Perhaps I should point out you assured me those sprinklers in our greenhouse were perfectly fit for watering plants, when they were, in fact, tied into the fire system, and could only be triggered by the fire alarm! You also swore the wiring was sufficient for our work, but it could barely handle the load of our security monitors. And your heating and cooling system is inadequate and prone to breaking down, damaging our servers!

Androzier: Also, you said there were five bathrooms per floor, but there are only three with working sinks, at best. And the mirrors were covered over with scum, when you said they were in perfect condition. *Everyone looks at Androzier* It makes the bathrooms crowded. I hate waiting in line, and I like a little privacy.

UnCalvin: *stares at Androzier a moment, then shakes head and fixes gaze on Ms. Granglin* I will pay for all the damages, because this is still my space, and if we leave it will be because I have come to my senses about dealing with such a scheming, screeching skinflint as yourself on a daily basis. Now leave immediately before I hurl you down the elevator shaft myself. And then whatever of you survives, I'll sue for failure to maintain your property in the promised condition until your grave plot is sold to pay off the debt and your body dumped in a ditch somewhere. Are we clear?

Ms. Granglin: *nods, departs as quickly as possible*

CAP: Wow, that was terrifying. I really don't want to fight you now.

UnCalvin: *takes deep breath, holds it for a moment, releases, and shifts back to her redheaded lady form* Do you still have the Blender Furby?

CAP: *blinks* Oh, yes. It's in the other room! *darts back into what used to be Dr. Pennington's lab* Noooo!

{The other three rush into the room to see the panda cradling the Blender Furby. It had been hurled against a table by the second explosion. The glass cup for the ingredients was shattered, one of its eyes had fallen out. It babbles quietly, a stream of English, Japanese, Chinese, German, sometimes the same word in all four languages, sometimes not.}

Blender Furby: It's so cold.

CAP: Not after all this! I'm sorry! You almost had the cadence for the "Ma Na Na Na" song!

{UnCalvin walks up slowly, different emotions playing across her face. Then she sheathes the sword and kneels next to CAP. She reaches out for the Blender Furby.}

UnCalvin: I'll have it fixed up.

CAP: *sniffs* Really?

UnCalvin: Sure. I have an entire lab of scientists. It can't be that difficult a task.

CAP: You won't wipe its memory of Calvin and I?

UnCalvin: I promise it will still retain whatever profanity and sports trivia it picked up from Calvin.

CAP: Mostly profanity.

UnCalvin: I assumed as much.

CAP: Well, OK then. Job done. Sorry about the mess.

UnCalvin: Not a problem. I'm going to make it look worse, then claim it was an entire animal stampede that did it. I'm fairly sure I can file a claim on my disaster insurance for that with the number of witnesses who will admit to seeing a panda running around.

CAP: That sounds like a scam.

UnCalvin: *places free hand on her sword hilt* Must we start all that again? I took your gift, after you destroyed my business. Again. That, while a typically magnanimous gesture on my part, is hardly something to be cast away so lightly.

CAP: OK, OK, don't get huffy. Let's go Cassanee. I'll give you a lift back home.

Cassanee: *shakes head, follows* You're all crazy.

CAP: I know, but you'll get used to it.

UnCalvin: *calls after them* Bring Deadpool next time instead!

CAP: *shouts back* I told you, talk to Calvin about it! *pats Cassanee on the back* Don't worry, UnCalvin doesn't really hate you.

{After they've departed.}

Androzier: Commandant, are you truly going to fix it?

UnCalvin: *stares at the murmuring culinary device thoughfully* Yes, I am. I have a thought that something which can be taught to speak or sing might be useful for providing vocal cues to plant life. And could always be regifted, perhaps along with some fruit, at a later date. In the meantime, I could use a smoothie.