Holiday Chaos

CalvinPitt: How's the soup coming?

Clever Adolescent Panda: *stirs the pot experimentally* It's good. I still think it's suspicious you wanted miso soup with tofu as one of the dishes.

Calvin: There's nothing wrong with tofu. It's really just texture, all the taste is in the broth.

CAP: Put out an extra place setting.

Calvin: Don't go inviting extra people to our shindig!

CAP: It's for the narrator.

Calvin: Oh. I guess he did say this was all he had a couple of years ago. Which is incredibly depressing.

Narrator: I HAVE A FAMILY, YOU KNOW.

Calvin: *glares at ceiling* Then don't make misleading, self-deprecating comments.

CAP: Don't fight with our narrator.

Calvin: How would I even fight with an intangible presence?

*voice through the door*: Yo! Let me in!

Calvin: It ain't locked!

Rhodez: You're not locking your door? That's kinda welcoming for you, isn't it?

CAP: I knew you were acting suspicious!

Calvin: *rolls eyes* No, I just don't want any of the guests kicking the door in because they get impatient.

Rhodez: Does that mean?

CAP: *cheers* Deadpool's coming!

Calvin: So I'd hide that good beer you brought if you don't want Wade to shotgun the lot of it.

Rhodez: Gotcha. *stashes it in the rear of the fridge, behind some diced onions* Man, how long have these onions been in here?

Calvin: *absently while setting the table* Since some time in the summer. Whenever I last had enchiladas. I keep meaning to chuck 'em, but eh, they're sealed up. Not hurting anything.

Pollock: Oh yes, always a good philosophy. Just ignore the problem.

*One of the pies lifts off the counter*

Calvin: *steps in to grab the pie* Whoa, whoa, no throwing food at Blogsgiving, Ghost of the Forest! Use one of the knives.

Pollock: *narrowly avoids the knife* That damnable spirit is here?!

Calvin: Yeah, they showed up a few days ago. Knocked my bike over for some reason. Which also knocked over my punching bag and the camp chair and almost hit my router.

*Calvin's coyote skull floats off the counter and approximates a shrug*

Calvin: Don't give me that. You could have just messed with my hats.

Pollock: *sourly* Delightful. I'm at a higher risk of being assaulted than normal at these get-togethers. Speaking of people likely to attack me, where's Cassanee?

Calvin: She's taking a nap. Hey, Cass, up and at 'em!

Cassanee: *wanders out of the guest room, yawning and scratching her head* Hello. Brought stuffing and one of the berry pies.

Pollock: Ah. How lovely, Cassanee.

CAP: *teases* Don't you mean the sullen girl?

Pollock: *glowers* Unlike you and the dolt, she's earned my using her name.

Calvin: How? By punching you in the face? I think everyone here's done that at least once.

Rhodez: I haven't.

CAP: You drove a van through her boardroom, though.

Rhodez: It was an accident!

Deadpool: A hilarious accident.

CAP: Wade! *rushes towards him, only to be cut off* Calvin!

Calvin: Not so fast. I have a strict "no symbiotes" policy in my apartment.

Rhodez: Wade's got a symbiote?

Calvin: At least temporarily, as part of his new ongoing. And it's a Carnage symbiote, which is even worse.

Deadpool: It's just a parasite. This is discrimination!

Calvin: Yeah, I'm taking lessons from the X-Men and their Krakoa horseshit. You bring the thing, Pollock?

Pollock: *pulls a pistol from her coat* Certainly. I've no interest in being attacked by homicidal tar monsters. Cover your ears.

*The pistol emits a low hum and a pulsing violet ray strikes Deadpool's abdomen*

Deadpool: Ooh, that tickles. *pause* Not in a good way, though. More in a - hang on.

*Deadpool sprints past everyone into the restroom. There's the sound of pants unzipping, and then a several minutes of pained groans, followed by a sigh of relief.*

Rhodez: Aw man.

CAP: Courtesy flush!

*The toilet flushes, only to be drowned out by an inhuman screech.*

Deadpool: Unholy shits! By the power of Liquid Plumber! *sounds of gunfire and more flushing. Deadpool finally emerges* OK, symbiote-free. But you might want to watch out that your bathroom doesn't come alive and try to kill you.

Rhodez: Didn't Stephen King write a story like that?

Calvin: Probably. I think he's turned every mundane object into the subject of a story at one point or another. Let me just move an air freshener in there and we can eat!

Narrator: MUCH EATING OF FOOD COMMENCED!

Pollock: "Much eating of food commenced?" That's such an awkward way to put that!

Calvin: *whispers to CAP* Are we paying him by the word?

Narrator: YES, INDEED YOU ARE PAYING ME BY THE -

Calvin: Ghost, if you don't mind?

Narrator: NOW JUST HOLD -

*Calvin's bike helmet floats into the air and strikes something*

Calvin: Thank you. Turns out you fight an intangible presence with another intangible presence. Will someone pass me the sweet and sour chicken?

Pollock: This seems like a more violent than normal Blogsgiving.

Calvin: *shrugs* Eh, I think the one where Cornelius showed up was worse. He annoyed everyone, and you were wasted and mouthing off. I distinctly remember people getting his with dishware and at least one fistfight involving a certain panda.

CAP: It wasn't a fight! *grins* It was a beatdown. Pollock was too drunk to fight properly.

Pollock: How dare you!

Rhodez: Should the rest of us go eat in a different room?

Cassanee: *surveying the apartment* Have to use the balcony.

Calvin: Nope, all corporeal fights have to go somewhere else.

Deadpool: Try the bathroom. You can't mess it up much worse.

*CAP and Pollock nod and step down the hallway. Everyone else keeps eating.*

Cassanee: Why the soup?

Calvin: I have a lot of cornbread, I thought a soup would go well with it.

Rhodez: You make the cornbread?

Calvin: Nah. I made the hash, but the cornbread was from my mom.

Rhodez: Nice.

*A pair of shrieks emerge from the bathroom, along with the inhuman screech from earlier.*

CAP: Kill it with fire!

Pollock: You kill it with fire!

Deadpool: Hey, can I add these onions in your fridge to my nachos?

Calvin: You can certainly try, but go out on the balcony to open the container.

Deadpool: Got it, biological attack on your neighbors. Good way to hoard more parking spaces! And, I'll just take this beer I found behind the onions with me.

Rhodez: Hands off my beer, Wade!

Deadpool: It's not yours if it's in my stomach! *tries to run, but finds himself unable to get traction*

Rhodez: I got better with my power. *takes back her beer* Now you can go.

Deadpool: *regains traction abruptly, runs uncontrolled out the screen door and over the railing* Whoo, those onions are strong! Too strong! My eyes! My manly, yet expressive eyes!

Calvin: You're at least gonna let him have one beer, right?

Rhodez: *shrugs* Probably. I'll be wasted after two. But he's gotta ask.

Cassanee: Fair. May I?

Rhodez: Sure. Calvin, wanna get down with the drinking?

CAP: Calvin, turn on your oven!

Calvin: Are you planning to cook the symbiote in my oven?

CAP: *unconvincingly* Noooooooo?

Pollock: *thrown out of the bathroom* For the love of my devoted employees, help me grab this thing and throw it in the imbecile's oven! Aaaaahh! *get dragged back into the bathroom*

CAP: *rushes after Pollock* You could at least say "please!"

Cassanee: *still eating* So could you.

CAP: Please!

Calvin: Not my oven. That came with the apartment, they'll be pissed. Use the microwave. It's like Firestar, minus the moral qualms about murdering!

*Clever Adolescent Panda and Pollock come staggering out of the bathroom, writhing ball of red-and-black clutched in their hands. Teeth form in the mass and snap at their faces as they chuck it in the microwave.*

CAP: Popcorn!

Calvin: *holding the microwave door shut as the screeching reaches a crescendo* Did you just quote Grosse Pointe Blank?

CAP: Yeah?

Calvin: Nice! But, you know that movie ended badly for Dan Ackroyd.

Deadpool: *climbs back over the balcony* And they always will. 

Rhodez: *hands Deadpool one beer* What's that mean?

Deadpool: He knows what he did.

Cassanee: You're making things up.

Calvin: The onion fumes went to his brain.

CAP: How can you tell?

Deadpool: Et tu, little fuzz buddy?

CAP: Wade, you don't make sense a lot of the time.

Deadpool: Blame Editorial.

Calvin: Marvel still has that?

Pollock: Would you all - oh never mind. I'm too hungry to care. Jabber on, witless drones.

Narrator: AFTER MORE EATING, THERE WAS -

Calvin: Ghost?

*a knife hovers in the air*

Narrator: NEVER MIND.

Calvin: Thank you. OK, expressions of gratitude time! I vote Clever Adolescent Panda has to go last, because the rest of us always feel inferior after their turn!

CAP: Hey!

Rhodez: Second!

CAP: Wait a second!

Cassanee: Third!

Deadpool: I'll go first! I am grateful for my new ongoing series, which is being written by one of Marvel's hot new writers, rather than the old farts who do mini-series set in specific points in continuity from 20 years ago! That means I'm still really popular! The X-men even let me hang out on their island orgy colony now!

Calvin: You're on X-Force, though. That's like the CIA, but even more morally suspect.

Pollock: Is that possible?

Calvin: The CIA uses people who commit human rights violations. I'm pretty sure Hank McCoy is a walking human rights violation at this stage.

Deadpool: I'm going to help him find the light and become the cheerful, bouncing guy he used to be!

CAP: When you aren't working for an elite group of assassins?

Deadpool: If Logan can alternate between mentoring teen girls and killing hundreds of Yakuza, why can't I kill people for money while advising others not to experiment on people?

CAP: I think most of Wolverine's mentoring is teaching those girls to kill people. That's not much of a difference. But I guess you can do better than him, so it's OK.

Calvin: Wade did try to get his daughter away from his life of violence, which is more than Logan ever does.

Deadpool: Daughter?

CAP: Oh right, Duggan mind-wiped that. Just wait until someone brings Eleanor back.

Deadpool: Eleanor? That name sounds vaguely familiar. Oh right, that was what Nic Cage called that car that gave him trouble in Gone in 60 Seconds!

CAP: *pats him on the shoulder* Sure Wade, that's it.

Pollock: *sighs* Well, this is taking a depressing turn, and Calvin hasn't even gone yet. Someone else?

Rhodez: I got out of that job I hated. I love my new job, and it's gonna give me the chance to move around a little. So yeah, I'm definitely liking where am I more than a year ago. Cass?

Cassanee: The raccoons' art is bringing in more tourists. It's annoying, but the money helps. We improved our roads a lot.

Pollock: Really? Do you think you'll soon have actual cars to drive on them, or are you still using lawnmowers?

Deadpool: Shots fired!

Calvin: Take the fighting elsewhere!

*Cassanee and Pollock step outside. No one is going near the bathroom*

CAP: Pollock didn't get to tell us what she was thankful for.

Calvin: *watching the fight in the parking lot* I'd say she's thankful for getting to roughhouse with you and Cass. Looks like she's having a great time out there.

Deadpool: Why doesn't anyone want to roughhouse with me?

CAP: You stab people.

Deadpool: Only the ones I hate!

*Cassanee lands a solid kick to the solar plexus and Pollock goes bouncing across the lot*

Calvin: Maybe less of a great time now. Ghost, you want a turn? 

*Various objects float in the air, twisting and rotating in a peculiar dance. Then they settle neatly on the counter.*

Deadpool: Heartwarming. The feel-good message of the holiday season.

Calvin: Uh-huh. Anyway, my turn!

Rhodez: Hang on, I need another beer!

Deadpool: Me too!

Rhodez: *clutches the remaining beers* I already gave you one!

Deadpool: *falls to his knees* Please, Calvin's thanks are too depressing, even for my life!

Rhodez: *thinks about it* Yeah, that's fair. You can have the last one.

Deadpool; Another thing to be thankful for! Now that I have my malty Kelvar, let's hear it!

Calvin: *looks at CAP* Well, you gonna plead for a beer, too?

CAP: *looking solemn* I have confidence you can give thanks that aren't terrible. For once.

Calvin: Remind me why I let all of you in my apartment? *sighs* OK, whatever. Work is a pain in the ass and a half. Best friend in the work unit moved, the other two are unreliable at actually getting work done. No joy there.

Rhodez: Oh God. *takes a big drink*

Calvin: But who expects work to be a thing worth thanking? The best thing it can say is it didn't interfere too much with the rest of my life. No health issues, so that's always good. No health issues for those I care about, minus whatever lumps Pollock's getting right now.

Rhodez: You care about Pollock?

Calvin: Eh, she's fun to have around, when she's only harassing me as opposed to trying to kill me. I went out and saw a few cool places this year I'd be meaning to go investigate, and a couple that were spur of the moment. Got a lot of writing done, including a couple of things I'd been trying to get finish for a while. At least one of which I'm really happy with. Good enough?

CAP: I thought so.

Rhodez: Yeah man. Wade?

Deadpool: *in the process of tying a noose* Hmm? Is he done?

Calvin: Ha, ha. Fuck you, see if I keep buying your comic after issue 2.

Deadpool: You'd give me less of a chance than Tiger Division?

Calvin: Actually kill Doc Ock and we'll see. Panda, send us off with a bang, would ya?

CAP: Oh, well, there's nothing too great. My family is doing fine. I got to see all of you, and ruin another of Pollock's rental cars on April Fools Day. I'm continuing my study program on exorcisms and spirits. I recovered an book of the dead from a weird cult that wanted to open a door to another dimension and destroy civilization. I'm trying to learn to make noodles from bamboo.

Rhodez: You mean where you use a bamboo pole to make noodles?

CAP: No, noodles made of bamboo. I thought it would be fun for a soup, or a pasta. It's not going very well, though.

Calvin: Seems like there'd be too much cellulose for that.

CAP: I think I can cook some of the rigidity out of it! *pauses to look at Deadpool*

Deadpool: What?

CAP: Aren't you going to make a joke about rigidity?

Deadpool: I would never joke about food. As long as you let me have some when you figure it out.

CAP: Deal.

Rhodez: Are Pollock and Cassanee still fighting?

Calvin: *peers out window* Yep. They oughta just get a room.