Things I Think About #15

Is 'dwell' one of those words that can't be used in a positive manner? I saw a sign today, it said, "Dwell on the positive things", and it just seemed so wrong. I mean 'dwell' seems like the less gothic brother of 'brood', something you do over mistakes, or missed opportunities. I figure you 'reflect' on positive things, or 'focus' on them. Just something that occurred to me while I was getting gas this morning.

As to the main crux of this post, Maximum Carnage. For those who aren't aware, this was a 14-part storyline spanning 5 Spider-Man books in the summer of '93. Carnage escapes from a mental institute, forms a 'family' with four other psychos (Shriek, Spider-Doppelganger, Carrion, and Demogoblin) and proceeds to run rampant, slaughtering at least hundreds of people before his defeat. Somewhere along the line, I think Spectacular Spider-Man #203, it was pointed out in the letter column that this whole thing was idiotic because the big teams were nowhere to be found. They had a point. You did have Spider-Man and Captain America, but also Venom, Black Cat, Firestar, Cloak and Dagger, Iron Fist, Morbius(!), and Deathlok. Wow, that's pretty lame. No wonder the heroes kept getting their asses kicked. The question becomes, where the hell were all Marvel's teams? Through exhaustive research, I've determined what teams said they were doing that summer, as well as what was really going on.

Well, since it was confined to New York City, you can eliminate teams from other countries (Alpha Flight, Excalibur) and other states (Great Lakes and West Coast Avengers).

There was only one mutant (Shriek) in Carnage's group, so you could probably forgive the X-teams for their absence, but we'll lump them in too, so for the record:

What they said:

X-Force was scattered all over the world. Some were captured by Externals, the rest were on the run from the same, and Cable was doing his own thing.

X-Factor was trapped in Genosha, dealing with the usual "mutant in Genosha" crap.

Uncanny X-Men had Illyana Rasputin's impending death, and Colossus' impending defection to Magneto.

X-Men had the "What is Betsy Braddock doing in an Asian body again?" fallout, and the subsequent trip to Japan.

The Fantastic Four were distracted by Johnny being on trial for burning down part of Empire State University.

The Avengers were dealing with some group of alternate reality losers called the Gatherers.

The truth is:

Excalibur was involved in some Multiverse mess they didn't even understand. The GLA was teaming up with Alpha Flight to stop a giant sturgeon that escaped from Saint Cloud University in Minnesota. And the West Coasters were dealing with Wonder Man, Scarlet Witch and Iron Man's simultaneous mental breakdowns. Between Wonder Man crying about the time the Master Pandamonium had Wanda's babies for hands, and bit Wonder Man with them, to Wanda crying about how the babies tore their gums on Simon's cranium, to Tony insisting they were all pink Titanium Man's, that's a lot to deal with. Then Wanda made them all forget her craziness, and Bendis had his opening.

The X-groups were all taking it easy, in preparation for yet another stupid X-over. Wolverine was busy drinking a lot, after Editorial told him Magneto would rip out his Adamantium in October. The X-Men were still sore about that time in Secret Wars when Spidey found out they were going to bail on the heroes and jump to Magneto's side, and Spidey proceeded to whip them (Before Xavier mindwiped him. Bald Asshole). X-Force was mad about that crossover they had with him, where MacFarlane managed to draw them even worse than Liefeld did. X-Factor couldn't leave Genosha, because Quicksilver refused to leave just to have to come back after Cortez kidnaps his daughter.

The Fantastic Four were actually distracted by Reed's moping about the fact Editorial was going to let Doom "kill" him soon. Sue was busy designing her "slut" outfit, Torch was adapting to Skrull sex, and Ben was mad that when Spidey tried to bring the Torch to jail, he got Wolverine as part of his team, and Wolvie clawed off half of Ben's face.

The Avengers were reeling from the message they would be taking part in the X-book crossover "Bloodties". Besides, they were having trouble with a group lead by a guy named "Proctor". Carnage's group would have wiped the floor with them. If that's false, why didn't Captain America call them in, huh? Man, the Sersi/Crystal/Black Knight Avengers were lame.

The only team I couldn't find anything on was the New Warriors. For whatever reason, they chose not to show up and help their teammate, thus failing to show just how good they were on a big stage. Maybe they recognized Maximum Carnage for the amazing suckfest it was, and voted to stay clear. But when you think about, Firestar is the only one who went on to bigger things. She joined the Avengers, what's Speedball left with? Sure Marvel Boy - I'm sorry Justice - got to join Earth's Mightiest, but that was all because of Firestar. I guess being willing to take part in a horrible mess, and prove yourself as a team player has its benefits, huh?

Good God, Marvel was terrible in the '90s. No wonder I gave up on comics part way through the decade. Well, that and my extremely limited funds.