Monday, August 28, 2006

This Could Easily Be A Weekly Feature

It's "Stupid Things Tony Stark Said During Civil War"!

This week's unmatched brilliance is from Heroes for Hire #1. When explaining the rationale for registration, Mr. Nuclear Underpants drops this line on us: 'The only thing changing is that we're finally weeding out the kids, the amateurs and the sociopaths.'

The emphasis is Tony's. And he certainly makes a good point. Those kinds of people are very dangerous and shouldn't be allowed to fly around the city saving lives.

Certainly no one that gains super-powers as a teenager could possibly be any good as a hero. Oh, hey Spidey. Hey, Pete, remember that time when you stopped the Sandman from using your entire school as hostages? That was pretty cool. Say, you should have bought some beers afterwards to celebrate your victory. What do you mean you weren't old enough?

And Tony's right about this not being an occupation for amateurs. Like, remember when that rich guy - I forget his name - thought it would be fine to pilot a multi-billion dollar war suit while soused? That guy nearly killed some people and we can no longer tolerate that kind of reckless. . . Tony, what's wrong? I'm agreeing with you. We need to leave this to professionals, like Reed Richards, who had ten years of experience as an International Man of Mystery before he ever got hit with those cosmic rays (which he may have inadvertently created when he helped start the universe. Damnit, JMS).

What do you mean, Reed Richards had never fought aliens, Eastern European despots, or subterranean armies prior to gaining super-powers?! But that would mean he was a. . . a. . . Gasp! It can't be!

As for sociopaths, well, it's a great idea in theory, Iron Man, but if that's your goal, you might want to stop using Wolverine! I've seen vampires that were less bloodthirsty than this guy. Mongol hordes think the hairy Canuck needs to kill fewer people.

You know, I think I've misjudged Tony and Reed. This isn't about protecting innocent lives, or even their bottom lines. This is about maintaining themselves as the elites of their little sect. They're like those people that belong to the really trendy club and don't want to let anyone else in. The more people that get in, the less special, and most important, envied they are. Stark and Richards have just neatly used the government to cement their status at the top of the food chain. Jerks.

Oh, and I'm going to predict that the guy who amped up Nitro's powers works for a subsidiary of Stark International, because clearly, Tony engineered this whole thing.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

" Stark and Richards have just neatly used the government to cement their status at the top of the food chain. Jerks."

JMS is rewriting them as incarnations of the Asshole Totem.

kelvingreen said...

Bravo, anonymous, bravo!

I hear that fandom as a whole is actually leaning towards Iron Asshat in all this, and furthermore, there's a rumour going around that Marvel are rewriting the second half of the crossover to reflect that.

I can't believe that people are actually falling for all this guff. I haveen't seen such a protracted exercise in out-of-character writing in years, and my fellow Zombies are lapping it up.

I don't get it.

CalvinPitt said...

anonymous: it's fortunate I wasn't drinking soda, or I would have spit on my screen. Hilarious.

kelvin: Wait, you mean there are people who like this Tony Stark?

Or you mean this isn't Tony and we're being duped into thinking it is?

Or am I missing nuances again?

kelvingreen said...

No, I hear that there are large swathes of fandom who actually agree with Iron Man, and that just baffles me, when he's so clarly being presented as a villain.

googum said...

Just by chance, every time I pick up an old Iron Man issue, I keep seeing the lengths Tony would go to in protecting his secret identity: LMD's, mindwipes, remote control suits, substitutes. Is Tony just out of ideas? Because he fought hard to keep his id secret for a long time.

CalvinPitt said...

kelvin: OK, now I get it. Thanks for the clarification.

googum: I guess Tony was in financial trouble, and his accountants told him he'd save money by simply giving up the whole secret identity thing.

Perhaps they could have just suggested he switch to Geico?

Chris said...

Here's the thing: wasn't that exact same comment used in CW #2? I mean that dialogue word-for-word?

CalvinPitt said...

chris: Possibly. I can't say that I read through Civil War #2 in much detail.

If that's true, then I suppose Tony deserves credit for sticking with an argument.