Well, It's A Funny Thing

You remember how I said yesterday that there was something else I was going to complain about (besides the guys handing out Bibles), but it kept turning into its own post, so I'd talk about it tomorrow, by which I meant Thursday. Today. Which is Thursday. Everyone with me so far?

Well, later that evening I remembered that I had a post already planned out for today, and it's somewhat Thursday-specific. Kind of has to be done tonight. So that other post is just going to have to wait until Saturday. But what could be so important as to delay me discussing something that bothered me?

Why, none other than my attempt at live-blogging the season finale of Burn Notice! That's right, I'm going to be typing my reactions to what's going on as it happens, even though you won't see the post until it's completely done, because I'm not going to keep publishing and editing the post over and over for two hours, why would you demand that of me? To hell with you! Let's get started. SPOILERS if you haven't seen the episode yet!

7:57 p.m. - I really don't care what the director of National Treasure was trying to do with the ending. I really do not. Why did they have to run this movie before the beginning of my live-blogging attempt?

8:00 - I like that at the same time Bruce Campbell does the Old Spice commercials where he's all suave, he's on this show dressed like I would be (a slob), and about as clean-shaven as me too. And he's still a ladies' man. How?

8:02 - As a lover of fried chicken, I do not appreciate Michael making fun of Sam for his 'bucket of fat', as Michael put it.

8:03 - And someone is leaving Michael notes with poems in them. Is this his version of the Riddler?

8:05 - Commercial break. I am already concerned about my ability to follow the plot if I'm typing my responses to things I'm seeing. They're advertising the new Resident Evil movie. I saw the second one for the first time last weekend. As expected, crap, but I do like that at the end the evil guy is stuck on the roof with zombies closing in, he's tries to kill himself before they can eat him, but oops, he wasted all his bullets already! Ha, ha! I am a schadenfreude kind of guy.

8:08 - I miss Fiona's Irish accent. I guess I found it exotic, and besides, it made her seem more feisty somehow. Or maybe just more trigger-happy, like I expect the Irish to be impulsively violent. Hey, I can say that, I'm part-Irish.

8:10 - Ah, the classic TV cliche of the woman falling for the wrong guy, and getting herself and her friend in trouble for it. Why do women always fall for the assholes?

8:11 - I could have done without an appearance by the gambling addicted brother. Michael's mom I like, but his brother, it's hard for me to understand why Michael doesn't just shoot him. OK, I know why he doesn't shoot him; he's family, but the dude is a pain. And now he's giving the gambler a firearm? Bugger. That won't end well.

8:14 - Sam and Fiona working together, without Mike involved? That should be good. There are travel guides to Madison, Wisconsin now? Why?

8:16 - Bruce Campbell is irresistible to members of all sexes. How unfair is that? The Hustler looks a bit like Viggo Mortensen. It's not though; his voice is too weak.

8:18 - How much do you think it hurts if Triple H doesn't control his swings with that sledgehammer? A lot, or a mind-numbingly huge amount?

8:21 - Had to step away for a moment to turn off the AC. It was making it hard to hear the TV. Of course, opening the windows may offset the noise - oops, show's starting again!

8:23 - I'm glad to see Mike's getting his car fixed. I was sad after he hit it with an exploding propane tank last week. And that still wasn't enough to stop Lucy Lawless. She is a force of nature.

8:25 - I like when Mike starts playing roles. "Green Beret" isn't much of a stretch, but it's a little more over-the-top than he normally is.

8:27 - Every time Mike drops a little knowledge about how to make an effective bug, or how to fry a person's laptop by putting magnet in the hotel lamp, I wonder, "Could I pull that off?" That's the kind of thinking that's liable to get me in trouble.

8:30 - I'm pretty sure Michael has two different smiles. He just gave his mom the insincere smile, where he shows his teeth, but doesn't really mean it. You can see it in his eyes - he's just smiling to seem friendly, so you're more likely to do what he wants, in this case leave his warehouse so he can go to a meeting. He's got another smile though, I'm pretty sure I saw it when he helped that man whose boss was trying to frame him for the theft of valuable art. It helped keep a family together, and he felt good, so he gave a real smile. I'd like to see that more often.

8:35 - Dr. Steve-O? We're all doomed.

8:37 - One thing that's always interesting about this show is how much the clients actually follow the orders of Mike, Fiona, and Sam. Some people are smart, and listen to the professionals. Some people have to get impatient, and do stupid crap, like the guy that house-sits and pretended to be rich, so his girlfriend got kidnapped. This lady seems like she's actually going to pay attention.

8:40 -What was shielding Sam's cell phone? His car? The building?

8:42 - Sam just said he was "Chuck Finley". Does this mean Sam was a fan of the California Angels in the late '80s-early '90s, or just a fan of guys who were married to Tawny Kitaen?

8:44 - Bringing Down the House, three nights in a row. Well, that's three nights in a row I won't be going near USA Network. That Quiznos commercial did not make me want Quiznos. It does however, make me curious about the possibilities of liquifying my favorite foods and taking them in intravenously. Do you think liquid brownies going directly into my veins would kill me quickly, or slowly?

8:47 - They put a bomb on her car, and she asks if they were trying to kill her? A little slow aren't you lady? Wait, this Gillian has people trying to kill her, Sam advises her to make plans to take a vacation, then lets her leave by herself? What the hell?

8:49 - Michael really believes in what he used to do for a living. I just figured he didn't know what else to do.

8:50 - I know who this Cowan is. It's Simon Peter Gruber, the bad guy from Die Hard With a Vengeance! That's what's with all the riddles and now he's making Michael run a distance in a short amount of time. Damn, Bruce Willis isn't as good at killing people as I thought. And while I've been making this lousy joke, Michael's friends are under attack by armed goons. Way to be, Calvin.

8:54 - And now Cowan's dead, and all Michael got was some vague warnings about him being on the edge of something big, and having powerful people interested in him. This development concerns me, because I'm worried this means the series is going to ultimately be Michael basically banging his head against a wall trying to make some progress against these dangerous, shadowy figures. That kind of futile struggle is why I gave up on The Dead Zone, because I got tired of every attempt Johnny made to block Stillson's ascension failing utterly. I know, it's way to early to be thinking like this, I'm just saying, that kind of thing concerns me.

8:58 - I realized a few days ago, that my Tuesday night class will cause me to miss the first half of the new season of House. And we're back to the show!

9:00 - That was it? They came back from commercial for two minutes, then back on commercial? Weak. Still, it was an interesting two minutes. Michael is seeing threats everywhere, no telling whether he's imagining it or not, and Fiona actually sounds scared, which is never a good sign. She struck as the sort of person who could look Darkseid in the eye and laugh at him.

9:02 - The St. Louis Cardinals' season is just getting depressing at this point. At least you can count on LaRussa to be a prick. Couple of nights ago, Brendan Ryan swings at a 3-0 pitch and flies out. This is the first inning. When he gets back to the dugout, LaRussa chews him out, then pulls him from the game. That's bullshit. He'd never do that to one of the veterans. And the next night either Yadier Molina or Skip Schumaker made a dumbass baserunning mistake, and neither one got benched. TLR needs to leave St. Louis. Thanks for the World Series victory Tony, not go back to the West Coast. As long as they don't sign Dusty Baker, I'll take my chances as a fan with anyone else. Well, maybe not Mike Hargrove, either.

9:06 - And now Fi's not only armed, she's got back-up. These goons are boned.

9:07 - Another commercial break? This is getting ridiculous. Still, in the episode thus far we've had two cars blow up, two other cars shot, another car narrowly avoid being blown up, and three people dead up to this point. Not too shabby.

9:11 - Tom Brady is not a "character"! He's not the next Joe Montana either. if anyone tells you that, punch them hard in the face. Repeat as many times as necessary to make them stop believing that. Use your own discretion on how many punches that is.

9:13 - I must remember the Bruce Campbell Rule of Being a Prisoner: Critique the technique of the man punching you in the face. Pissing them off is the smart thing to do. Just ask Max Payne.

9:15 - Now why did the bad guy have to promise to find Gillian? Now he'll have to die. Not that I'm opposed to that, mind you. It's just not a good idea on his part.

9:16 - I have to appreciate Fiona's attitude toward guns - more is better. Big explosions are fun.

9:18 - I was thinking Sam had some sort of escape plan hidden behind the imbecilic bravado. Not so sure anymore. And now I'm sure again. Good Sam. Or, maybe not. Bad Sam. Selfless doesn't suit you.

9:22 - Thinking about it, this may not technically be my first liveblog. I did a page-by-page run-through of the New Avengers Annual that came out last year (April 29, 2006 post). Of course, that was on a second reading, not a first, but it was kind of similar.

9:24 - Fiona really enjoys wearing sleeveless shirts. Do you think that's a mobility aid, like sleeves inhibit range of motion?

9:28 - I like that when Michael makes a 'We're friends or we're enemies' line, he's brought the guy out to a deserted pier. . . at night. Nothing like the subtle threat of killing you in a place where dumping the body is easy.

9:31 - Why does Michael think he can actually make his mother do what he wants? She's his mother, and just as I type that he gets her cooperation by expressing concern for her. Clever.

9:32 - Oh hell, even Fiona is advising Michael to be more cautious. And that's pretty ballsy move by Mr. Westin there. I don't think this drug guy looks like a "Carmelo"

9:34 - 'If you don't do what I want, I will rain down hell on you until one of us is dead. And I am really good at raining down hell.' I dub thee, Quote of the Episode.

9:35 - Whew, I'm starting to wear down. Need more soda. No wonder sports blog rise and fall so quickly, trying to do this kind of thing for every game could kill a man.

9:40 - Sam read a book once? The things that make you angriest are the things you know are true? I'm not sure I buy that. The things that make me angry are being stuck behind idiots while driving. What's the truth in that scenario?

9:42 - With all the looks between Fiona and Michael, I'm wondering if making bombs isn't like foreplay to those two. Probably is to Fiona. Aw, Michael stole a car to get his mom to a hospital when he was 10. Damn, he's making me feel like a bad son.

9:45 - Michael is playing it very ballsy. I approve. I do think it's funny all these guys pointing guns at someone pointing a gun at themselves. I know, he might shoot at them if they drop their guard, but it looks pretty funny. "Stop! Do not shoot yourself, or. . . we will be forced to. . shoot. . . you, I guess. That's not really much of a deterrent is it?"

9:50 - No, Fiona, you don't ever say good-bye, because that implies you might never see each other again! You have to keep the faith that love will bring you together again! Believe in the power of love, right Huey Lewis? Yes, I've used that line before, we're going on two consecutive hours of blogging here, cut me some slack.

9:54 - I find it hard to believe this guy will fall for the "I hear the cell phone I'm calling somewhere nearby, I better go check." But he did, and now he's kicking Mike's ass. Or not. Mike, I imagine Fi only has so many bullets, so you need to pick up the pace a bit.

9:56 - Slow-motion running = KA-BOOOM! I guess we have to add an exploded barge to the destruction list for the episode.

9:57 - The shadowy government types can hack OnStar?! Is nothing safe?!

9:58 - Do not drive up into the back of that truck Michael. It's dark in there, anything could happen!

9:59 - Next summer! I have to wait until next summer for new episodes? Damn the man who keeps us all down by hacking our OnStar Navigation systems!

10:00 - Show's over. Not bad. Not great, but not bad. I think this distracted approach to watching the episode detracted from my enjoyment and digestion of the episode. So it may not be a good idea to do this anymore. Or I may do this whenever the new season of The Shield starts. Who can say? Either way, we're done here. Night, everybody.