Let's Bonk This Thing, And Go Home

*Previously, Calvin and Adorable Baby Panda captured Shadow Thief without meaning to, and some nice cops gave them a lift to where Satana was. Also, Deadpool blew up Hawkman with a grenade, and there was much rejoicing.*

*ABP and Calvin move down a street in St. Roch's financial district. Ahead, they see Satana, accompanied by 4 of her experiments: a tiger, a moose, a snake, and a panda. They're standing outside a bank arguing with a middle-aged gent in an opera cape and a monocle. As they approach, our intrepid heroes slip into a nearby shadowy alley.*

Calvin: {I'm guessing that would be the Monocle they were talking about over the police band?}

ABP: I guess so. He has a monocle.

Calvin: {Yeah, it's very classy. Makes me wish I had one. So what do we do? Capturing her was gonna be hard enough with her victims there, another super-villain only makes it worse.}

ABP: You have a sword, that should help.

Calvin: {When have I ever demonstrated I could use a sword?}

ABP: Then why did you bring it?

Calvin: {It made me feel more secure than the stick.}

ABP: Maybe if you look like you know how to use it, we can scare them.

Calvin: {Or maybe our problems will take care of themselves. Look!}

Satana: All I'm saying is, stop blowing up the *expletive deleted* banks, until after I can rob them! I need that money!

The Monocle: *smirking faintly* Oh, come now, my dear. Surely a decent pair of pants can't cost that much? Perhaps you could afford them if you bought less gaudy earrings?

Satana: {Multiple expletives deleted} Kill this {expletive deleted}!

*The hench-animals rush forward, only to be blinded by a flash of light from the monocle of their target*

The Monocle: I really have no interest in killing you or your pets, so perhaps you could simply adjourn for the evening?

*Just then, Deadpool runs up*

Deadpool: [Hey, I found the bad girl we were looking for! Now where are Calvin and the Fuzzball? There they are, hiding in those shadows! Hey guys, come out here, I found the Dr. Moreau wannabe we were looking for! Let's hurry and beat her up, 'cause I might still be able to pick up that fine lady from the coffee place!]

*Calvin and ABP both facepalm, as Satana and the Monocle whirl to look at them.*

Satana: What are you, some low rent neighborhood watch? {Expletive}, kill all these freaks! *The hench-animals split up and each attack a different target*

Calvin: {She's blue, and commanding animals with human brains inside, and we're the freaks? She needs to lay off the peyote, eh ABP? ABP? Oh, crap, Tiger Man! Run away!}

*ABP is already charging towards Satana, though her Panda Man moves to bar the way. Calvin is running from the Tiger Man. The Monocle, clearly bored with the whole thing, simply incinerates the advancing Snake Man with a beam from the Moncole. Deadpool is launched through the window of a thus far untouched bank by the Moose Man.*

Deadpool: [Why am I playing the Jorge Lugo to everyone else's Charles Barkley today?]

Monocle: *from the sidewalk* Pardon me, aren't you the boisterous fellow who was fighting Hawkman earlier this evening?

Deadpool: [You mean Conan the Barbarian with bird wings? yeah, I fought him. Did you know he's crazier than a bag of hammers? *seems to argue with himself* It does too make sense! *to the Monocle* Yeah, I blew him up good. Remember kids, hand grenades aren't toys, but they are fun!]

The Monocle: It seems proper, considering how much he enjoyed violence.

Deadpool: [*now very animated, excitedly relating story* Well, I also cut off his wings, smashed his face into the ground, and made him start crying for his girlfriend!]

The Monocle: Really? I wish I had been there to see that. He always mocks his opponents if they start crying after he stabs them, you know. Would you like any help with this fellow? *nods towards Moose Man, who has stood there confused through the conversation*

Deadpool: [*adroitly hops back through window onto sidewalk* Nah, I've got it in hand. Have fun destroying the lives of people unrelated to the horrible misfortunes you've endured! *waves eagerly*]

The Monocle: Uh, thank you. *Thus exits The Monocle*

Deadpool: [Now why would she put a human brain in a moose? *dodges charge, moose slams into wall* It doesn't have hands to carry stuff. *dodges mule kick attempt by leaping onto moose's back* Maybe she has lots of hats? *leaps off moose's back, grabs antlers as he descends, give neck sharp twist, kills Moose Man*]

*Meanwhile, Calvin is still running*

Calvin: {Running from a Tiger Man, while great exercise, is not productive. What would Kamandi do? Seriously, someone who has read Kamandi tell me what he'd do. Ah hell, lets try this.}

*Calvin hops on top of a fire hydrant, narrowly avoiding sweeping claws, then leaps sideways towards a lamp post, which he grabs on to, and swings around on, so that as Tiger Man turns to face him, it gets a face full of Calvin's size 14s. The Tiger Man falls backwards, and whacks its head on the hydrant. The impressiveness of Calvin's move is marred by the fact he can't stick the landing, falling on his rear end instead. before the Tiger Man can regain its senses, Calvin's strikes it in the face with the pommel of his sword.*

Calvin: {Hey, I won a fight. Go me!}

ABP: Great! Look, I caught Satana and stopped the poor panda she hurt.

Calvin: {Wow, way to make me look like a bum. You're just Grant Morrison's Batman in a Piglet sized package, aren't ya?}

ABP: Sorry. Hey, at least you didn't hurt yours too much. Now her victims can get help, since we caught them alive.

Deadpool: [Wait, we're not killing them? Oops.]

Calvin: {Yeah, and I think the Monocle killed that Snake Guy, judging by the huge pile of ash over there.}

ABP: Well, at least we caught these two, and they can get help.

*A squad car pulls up. Jerry and Claire, the officers from Part 2, get out.*

Jerry: Hey, they caught Satana.

Claire: Yeah, but it looks like the Monocle got away.

Jerry: Cut 'em some slack Claire. Catching one bad guy is pretty good for a couple of rookies.

Deadpool: [No problem citizens. Fighting the forces of evil to protect a world that hates and fears us is old hat for us X-Men!]

Claire: Say, doesn't he match the description of the crazy guy that fought Hawkman?

Deadpool: [I'm the crazy one? Have you listened to that bird guy lately?]

Jerry: We try to ignore him. You're right, he does. *Turns to ABP and Calvin* You two said you didn't know him.

Deadpool: [You said you didn't know me? Is it amnesia, caused by constant regeneration of your brains? Wait, only I have that!]

Calvin: {Wade, it really wasn't the time to admit that to them. They were being helpful, and you were fighting the city's costumed protector.}

ABP: See, I told you lying to the cops was bad! Told you so, told you so!

Claire: I told you those two weren't real heroes. I mean, "Ordinary Guy"?

Jerry: I thought he was being modest!

Claire: They beat Shadow Thief with a camera and a stick!

Jerry: So you can't fight crime on a budget?

Calvin: {Yeah, haven't you ever seen Blankman?}

Deadpool: [Nobody saw Blankman.]

Calvin: {Oh, right.}

Claire: You'll all have to come with us and answer some questions.

Calvin: {I thought cops in the DC Universe were more understanding.}

ABP: Not when you lie to them!

Calvin: {You're never gonna stop lording that over me, are you? And just how are you planning to deal with Satana? I don't see the cops letting us stroll off with her.}

ABP: Yeah, it's too bad. I thought hitting her over the head until she admitted she was screwed up would really help. Then we could talk about feelings.

Calvin: {Well, I think the amount of time we can plausibly converse before the cops starts actively trying to take us in is long over, so do what you're going to do so we can flee.}

ABP: All right. *Turns to Satana* So you'll remember to shape up, I'm giving you an Extra Special, What The Heck Are You Thinking Tony Stark, You Are In So Much Trouble, Bonk Of Extreme Displeasure! *Unleashes that thing I just wrote out above on Satana. She's hit hard enough that the little birdies and pandas she sees are visible to everyone else.*

Jerry: Holy crap! She made little birds and pandas with her mind! If we're not careful, she might use her new powers to force us to start doing the Monkey! *starts doin' the Monkey*

Claire: *Raps him gently on the head with her nightstick* You're just looking for an excuse to do the Monkey, and I keep telling you there is no excuse. Say, where'd they go?

*Our trio has quickly run around the corner, only to crash into a large drunk. A very large drunk. In a monk's robe, with bright pink skin, red eyes, huge teeth, and four arms. Three of the arms carry various liquors. The fourth carries a very large sword.*

Our Trio: Oh crap.

Large Drunk: hic *Sways* Hrai, I crave vengeance! *Leans heavily against the building*

Deadpool: [Hawkman really can still reincarnate! Geoff Johns' continuity magic must be too strong for Starlin's!]

Large Drunk: Where ish GrimJack? Zago, Blood, urp, Red God of Deatsh, has returned, and belch, seeks vengeance! *Smashes one bottle against building, throws up* Mortals, shpeak, and Zago will kill thee swiftly! *Drops sword; doesn't notice*

Calvin: *Looks around desperately, notices Hawkman flying towards them, looking really pissed off. So, a normal Hawkman look.* {There he is, trying to disguise himself as a winged barbarian!}

Zago: *Looks up, clutches head and groans, stares at Hawkman doubtfully* You are sure?

Calvin: {Absolutely. Look, he's even got a sword, so he's no doubt planning to cut off your arms and stab you, just like he did last time!}

Zago: *Pulls himself up straight* Nay, the weakling will be made to learn the glory that is Zago this time. *Lumbers past our heroes, still without his sword, towards the Hawkman, who's coming in swiftly at a shallow angle. As Hawkman readies his sword, Zago falls over, and Hawkman slams into the building. Clearly, he's still shaking off the grenade.*

Calvin: {And now I suggest we resume running.}

*And they did, all the way back home. The end.*