Monday, September 07, 2009

Things Would Be Going Off-Script, If I Had One

*Last time, Calvin, Adorable Baby Panda, and Deadpool traveled to St. Roch to find a conveniently escaped Satana and hand out some justice. Their attempts to keep a low profile were ruined by Deadpool's love of shooting, expository dialogue, and attractive middle-aged women. Now he's busy fighting Hawkman while our other intrepid protagonists continue their search for their quarry.*

Calvin: *running, with ABP on his shoulder* {I told you there was no point to looking for her in cemeteries. 'She needs live people for her experiments', I said. 'Maybe we should try the zoo, or the Bowery district,' I said. Did you listen? Noooo. You were just sure you sensed her this way, and now we're running from a living shadow!}

Shadow Thief: I'm sorry to interrupt your berating of your little pet, but I can't allow any witnesses to my graverobbing of wealthy plantation families' mausoleums!

Calvin: {Sir, we really don't care what you're up to!}

ABP: What are you saying? He's a bad guy, and we have to stop him! And who is he calling "pet"?

Calvin: *grits teeth, reaches into one of his half-dozen coat pocket* {Fine, here, see if the flash on my camera will do something to him.}

ABP: You brought a camera?

Calvin: {I thought we'd take pictures after we finished. Commemorate the triumph.}

*Adorable Baby Panda triggers the flash, and Shadow Thief is momentarily blinded, and shifts out of his 2-D form. So ABP takes the opportunity to throw the camera at him, breaking his nose. Shadow Thief howls, and clutches his nose. The camera ricochets away and smashes into a tombstone.*

Calvin: *screeches to a stop* {My camera! Oh, if you wanted to hit him with something, you could have said so!} *grabs branch from nearby tree, hits still dazed Shadow Thief repeatedly* {See, I could have just done that if you'd asked.} *glumly picks up busted camera* {Aw, my camera.}

*A police squad car pulls up*

First Cop: Hey there, sir, do you or the baby panda need any help?

ABP: No sir, well maybe. See, we caught Shadow Thief, but we aren't sure what to do with him.

Second Cop: Hey Jerry, check it out! They did catch Shadow Thief, with a bag full of jewels no less!

First Cop (Jerry): Well, you know the drill, Claire, we have to deactivate his Dimensionometer and get that suit off before he regains consciousness.

Second Cop (Claire): Right. Let's see, it's usually stored in the belt. *searches, turns a knob, small click is audible* Got it.

Jerry: Great. *Turns to ABP and Calvin* So what are the two of you doing here?

ABP: Well sir, we're looking for a criminal called Satana. She's hurt some of my family, and I'm going to make her sorry.

Calvin: {First, can I say I'm impressed with how calmly you're taking the talking panda? Second, yeah, stumbling across Shadow Thief was a fluke. Or a contrivance.}

Claire: *holding the Dimensionometer* Around here, talking pandas aren't that unusual. As for Satana, you're not gonna find her here, but she's close. She's robbing a bank with four of her hench creatures over in the financial district. We were on our way there, but it looks like we'll need to drop Shadow Thief off at the station. We could give you a ride part way, though, if you'd like.

ABP: Thank you so much officers. *ABP and Calvin hop in the backseat, and unconscious Shadow Thief slumped in the seat next to them.*

Calvin: Jeez, all the super-criminals decided to steal stuff at the same time? Is that normal?

Claire: Sometimes, but I guess they went for it tonight because word got out Hawkman's having a battle with some heavily-armed guy in a red body stocking that won't shut up. *Calvin and ABP tense up a little* They're probably all taking advantage of Hawkman being busy.

Jerry: And Hawkgirl's probably off saving the world with the Justice League, so I'm glad some other costumed vigilantes showed up to help. *looks back at ABP and Calvin* You guys are costumed vigilantes, right?

Calvin: {Sure, absolutely. My lack of a costume actually is my costume, for I am Ordinary Guy. This is my talking animal sidekick/comedy relief Appealing To The Cuteness Demographic Panda!} *Pause* {We're new on the scene, but we've handled plenty of tough villains, so no worries. By the by, could I keep Shadow Thief's cool sword? It could be handy.}

Claire: *Doubtfully* I don't know. . .

Jerry: Oh, let him keep it Claire. We always let Hawkman keep any weapons he wants from the perps.

Claire: Only because he's less irritating when he's crowing about what vintage the weapons are than when he's telling me to make him a sandwich, or crying over Hawkgirl. Sure, keep the sword. Just don't tell anyone where you got it, agreed?

Calvin: {No worries, officers.} *deeper, more heroic voice* {You can count on us!}

Claire: *rolls eyes* Great. Say, you wouldn't happen to know someone named Deadpool, would you?

Calvin: *Calvin and ABP both visibly blanch* {No, absolutely not. Why?}

Claire: That's what the lunatic fighting Hawkman calls himself, and well, we'd never heard of him. I thought maybe, since you were new to the city, he might be your arch-enemy, and he ran into Hawkman while hunting you down.

Calvin: {Oh no, no, no, no. We certainly don't know anyone named Deadpool. We haven't been in the business long enough to accumulate arch-enemies. Which isn't to say we haven't tried, it's just everyone seems to want to be Superman's enemy. Or Batman's, or one of the other big guns. None of the new villains realize they need to start out feuding with a new hero, then work their way up to the big-names. I mean, the A-list heroes already have like fifty arch-foes, you know? They don't have space on their card for another, super-strong, super-tough guy to fight.}

Jerry: I hear ya.

*dispatch radio crackles to life* (To all cars, there are reported sightings of the Monocle destroying a bank down the block from Satana. Any units not already occupied, please respond.)

Jerry: Geez, it never ends. Dispatch, this is 3-William-56, we have to drop Shadow Thief off at our precinct, but we've got a couple of heroes with us who are gonna take down Satana, so backup will be in the area. Copy?

Dispatch: (Copy that. Drop off Shadow Thief, then head to one of those ongoing crimes immediately.)

Jerry: *brings police car to a halt at a T-Junction. Down the street to their right, the sounds of screams, explosions, and alarms can be heard, and flames cast a glow into the night sky.* Here we are, you think the two of you can handle this?

ABP: *salutes, hops out of the car* Yes sir! We'll bring both their rampages to a halt!

Calvin: *steps out of car* {Sure, we can handle it. We'll have to deal with them one at a time, but if you need assistance with the Monocle, we'll be there as soon as possible. Thanks for the sword.} *Jerry and Claire speed off to deliver Shadow Thief to a cell. As soon as they're out of sight, ABP bonks Calvin on the head.*

Calvin: *inexplicably speaking in a lousy Cockney accent* {'Ey, what the bleedin' hell what that for?}

ABP: You lied to the police! We aren't heroes, and we do so know Deadpool!

Calvin: {What do you mean we aren't heroes? Satana is committing crimes, and we're gonna stop her, right? Like heroes would. As for the Deadpool thing, the back of a police car is not the place to confess you're friends with the guy causing massive property damage fighting with the local super-hero. Now let's do this before I lose my nerve.} *hefting the sword, Calvin starts nervously towards the explosions*

ABP: *pauses to consider Calvin's words* I guess that makes sense. But after we stop the baddies, we tell the cops the truth! *Follows Calvin down the street.* I hope Deadpool is alright.

*Deadpool is sort of alright. Fortunately, Hawkman's tendency to solve problems by stabbing and hitting them is not terribly effective against someone with a healing factor of Deadpool's caliber, which Hawkman is learning. He met Deadpool's initial attacking leap by grabbing his harness flying two stories up, and piledriving Wade's head into the sidewalk. For good measure, he proceeded to stab Deadpool's torso - sticking helplessly out of the ground - several times. To his consternation, Deadpool extracted his head from the hole, rose to his feet, made a comment about the sharpness of Hawkman's sword, then kicked him in the stomach. Hawkman responded by swinging his mace and removing Deadpool's lower jaw.*

Deadpool: [My 'aw! Eye an't awk! An' 'ow 'ill Eye eat 'ettle 'orn!?] *Unleashes a spinning slash at Hawkman, cutting the harness that keeps the Nth metal attached, causing Hawkman to fall forward a bit, leading him directly into the roundhouse kick Wade used the centripetal force of the Spin Attack to use. Hawkman takes the kick right in the throat. While he gasps for breath, Deadpool picks up and reattaches his lower jaw.*

Deadpool: [Let's see if everything's working. Chimichanga, What is love, baby don't hurt me! Alright, we're back on the air! But for that one, you're going back into the unloved video game box in the attic, Kid Icarus!] *Kicks Hawkman in the face, then stabs him in the leg.*

Hawkman: Od's blood, you cur! Such foul strikes will not be enough to end me! And even if you do succeed, I will return, stronger than you can comprehend, until you are defeated!

Deadpool: [Sure, sure Alec Guinness, go bye now.] *Draws moderately sized automatic pistol.*

Hawkman: *charges forward, grabs Deadpool's unusually small ankle, and swings his head into a lamp post.* I never surrender! *Throws Deadpool through the window of an antiquities store* You'll have no more success defeating me with your strange weapons, than did the Hyksos with their chariots^.

Deadpool: *throws piece of antique pottery at Hawkman in response* [I'm sorry, did I stumble onto PBS without realizing it?] *Hefts vase*

Hawkman: No, not that one! Shiera and I excavated that in Outer Mongolia in the 1930s! Oh, Shiera, why can't we make it work this time? *falls to knees sobbing*

Deadpool: [Because you got your mack on with Power Girl? Because you're crazier than I am? Enough with the multiple personality garbage! Jim Starlin said it was all a bunch of continuity junk anyway!]

Hawkman: *Head snaps up* Starlin? STARLIN! *Grabs mace in one hand, sword in the other, charges Deadpool* STARLINNNNNNN^^! *Hawkman falls into a berserker mode, swinging both weapons with wild abandon, screaming about how much he liked the "endlessly resurrected" continuity patch he had. Deadpool is battered under the onslaught. Suddenly, the Merc with a Mouth leaps backwards, plants a foot against the wall, and as Hawkman rushes forward, vaults into the air above Hawkman, landing with both feet squarely on the enraged warrior's head. Hawkman's face meets the floor violently as a result.*

Deadpool: [I call that Koopa Stomp Style, so you can tell all your friends how you got beat down. Now what is your problem?]

Hawkman: *Remarkably, having his face driven into the floor makes him calmer* I was investigating a crazy man firing a gun into the air and frightening the populace, namely, you.

Deadpool: [Would you believe I was celebrating Chinese New Year?]

Hawkman: Chinese New Year? At this time of year? In this town? With firearms?

Deadpool: [Is it not time here yet? Oh, I always get confused when I cross the International date line. Is it a day ahead, or a day behind, I can never remember, and you can't afford to go carelessly throwing away time. . .]

Hawkman: *growing angry* Will you stop that chatter, and tell me why you're here?!

Deadpool: [I'm trying to help a little furry friend of mine take care of a bad egg that hangs out here. She's called Satana, and she hurt some of his family. Don't know where my little buddy went though, Mr. Howell.]

Hawkman: I'd heard she was on the loose again. Let me get my wings, and I'll help you find your friend. *Turns to walk out of the store. Deadpool follows.*

Deadpool: [Thanks, Mr. Wilson, you're the greatest! By the way, about Power Girl. How does she feel about morally ambiguous mercs with a lotta love to give, but hideously ugly faces?]

Hawkman: She's not a fan.

Deadpool: *Removes something from a belt pouch, drops it on the ground.* [Oh, darn. Should have figured. How does she feel about grenades?] *steps away from Hawkman quickly*

Hawkman: Grenades? I don't think she likes those, either. Why are you. . . *looks down at his feet, sees live grenade* Oh, you little punk - KABOOM!

Deadpool: [And now to find my friends, the villain, and wrap all this up. After I get some sleep. So tomorrow then. Or maybe Friday, since I've got work the next few days. But soon.]

^ Yeah, I know, the Hyksos did conquer Egypt, but maybe they hadn't by Hawkman's time. I'm trying to establish that Hawkman is swinging wildly between varying personalities. Yes, I'm doing a poor job of it, I know.

^^ I keep worrying I'm going to mistype and spell "Stalin". Which might be interesting, and I imagine Hawkman wouldn't have been a fan of Joseph Stalin's, but it would probably confuse the issue.

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