Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Say It With Me Now - Batman Is NOT God!

So the always awesome Dave's Long Box has finally held forth on the sheer horror that was the Marvel vs. DC mini-series.. He's broken down the fights as only he could, and I'd say he's right on, for the most part. However, there are just a few things I gotta say, and I'd rather do it here, where I can rant at length.

1) Like Kyle Rayner, Hal Jordan would lose the battle to the Silver Surfer. No, I don't care that it's HAL JORDAN, he'd still lose the battle. I will say he'd win the war. See, after he's finished getting smacked around, Hal will go back to Earth and pick up some pretty lady at a nightclub for some sweet lovin'. Meanwhile, the Surfer is out in space, bemoaning the fact the he's separated from his beloved Shalla Bal. Shalla Bal? What the hell kind of name is that?

2) Jubilee would beat a Velociraptor. She's Wolverine trained, she's been in the Savage land and nearly eaten by much larger predators, and Jurassic Park proved Velociraptors are dumb enough to lose to a couple of children with no superhuman abilities whatsoever. Robin still beats her though. 'Nuff said.

3) He's absolutely right, Namor beats Aquaman. The guy takes punches from the Hulk, but you expect me to believe that hitting him with an Orca stopped him? All that does is piss the Avenging Son off, leading to Aquaman losing the harpoon hand, and then watching as Namor uses it to cut off his remaining hand.

4) Could Batman beat Captain America? I'm inclined to say no, as I agree that Cap has been fighting guys who play dirty for years, and unlike Batman, those guys weren't afraid to try and kill the Sentinel of Liberty. Personally, I think the best suggestion was that it should be a mini-series of it's own, where Cap wins Round1, then Batman gets enough time to strategize and wins the Rematch, and Round 3 is interrupted by the world ending.

For me, it stirred up annoyance, because once again, I get to read about how "if Batman has enough time, he can beat anyone". In an issue of Wizard where they revisted some of these fights, and asked various writers and artists their opinion, one fellow went so far as to say that Batman could beat Galactus given enough time. First off, how much time? Six weeks, a decade? Give us a time frame here. But as a special gift to you, because I care, I will fill you in on Batman's "How to Beat Galactus Strategy".

Step 1: Galactus' ship arrives in the skies over Gotham. Why there, and not out in a field, where he could more easily access the planet's energy, I don't know. Just roll with me here.

Step 2: Batman sees the ship, and sees Galactus disembark, to begin constructing his energy-taking machine.

Step 3: Batman loses bladder control. Fortunately, he planned for that, and was wearing Bat-Depends.

Step 4: Batman calls the Justice League for help. They ignore him, because honestly, Batman has been kind of a dick to them the last couple of years, and they want to see him sweat a bit.

Step 5: After three hours, the Justice League shows up to save the day. Of course, Galactus has already taken all the planet's energy and left, the planet dies and that's that. Ha!

So there you have it. If you can scream loudly enough to get their attention, and haven't been a jerk to them previously, you can also defeat Galactus, just like Batman! Just remember to wear your Bat-Depends!

Also, if anyone from Wizard reads this, your "Last Man Standing", where Batman and Spider-Man run into each other in an alley and Batman wins, by catching Spider-Man by surprise from above? Yeah that's total bullshit. Sigh, let's break this down. Spider-Man: Spider-sense that alerts him to danger whether he can see it or not, and causes his body to move instinctively out of the way, with speed and reflexes forty times that of a normal human. Batman: Speed and reflexes, that are, I'll be generous and say five times faster than a normal humans. Ergo, Batman does not hit Spider-Man.

This kind of crap is all Grant Morrison's fault. "Sure Batman can beat four people as strong as the Martian Manhunter! He's Batman!" Ugh.

Since I'm screaming about all these cross-company battles, I'll end with this. In that same Wizard where someone opined Batman could beat the Devourer, they discussed Thor vs. Superman, with Walt Simonson arguing for the Norse God of Thunder, and Louise Simonson for the Last Son of Krypton. Me, I don't care what Busiek said, Thor wins. As I understand it, Superman isn't extra-vulnerable to magic, but he is just as vulnerable as anyone else. To me, that means that when he's getting smacked upside the head with an enchanted hammer, his invulnerability isn't protecting him, and the guy doing the swinging hits pretty hard. That, plus I think Thor would get more into it than Superman. It's be a point of honor to the Odinson, to win against this incredible foe, and that'd amp him up. I've never really seen Supes display that, and given he died at the hands of a brainless punching machine, I'm inclined to hand it to the owner of the hammer labeled "Mjolnir", who's spent centuries in battle with all manner of beings. Not saying it would be easy, it'd probably be like using a wooden mallet to drive a rubber stake through concrete, meaning it'd take lots of time and effort, but it'd happen.

Whew, I'm ranted out. Time to go home and nap!


frank said...

DC versus Marvel always sucks...

Anonymous said...

Gah. I've said this multiple times. The fight in DC vs Marvel was to immobilize the opponent, not defeat them. Thus, Aquaman dropping an orca on Namor immobilized him long enough to qualify. Same thing with a bunch of the other fights. If it was a fight to the finish, yeah, the results would have been different. But it wasn't. So there.

CalvinPitt said...

frank: Yeah, they should probably work together, instead of fighting.

anonymous: That's true, but I'll respond with this: Define immobilized. So, if Namor throws the whale off him in less than five seconds, can the fight continue? Or does it have to be two or less? Ten-count? That's so arbitrary, which is why it should have just been until someones' unconscious. Heck just about every fight other than Robin/Jubilee went that way anyway.

Still, that's a complaint I should direct to the creative team, not to you. Poor thinking on their part I guess. And I still contend a whale shouldn't immoblize Namor (unless it's at least humpback-sized) for very long, regardless of whether Aquaman entangled him in his "super-special unbreakable harpoon wire".

Unknown said...

Remember, Aquaman always humiliates his opponents with fish. After Namor shrugged off Orca, he probably would have found a few dozen eels shoved into his mouth.

And a couple of crabs tossed in his shorts for good luck.

As much as I respect Thor, I still give the fight to Kal. First of all - and I don't care what caveats Kurt Busiek put in JLA/Avengers - Superman is worthy enough to hold that hammer. He can take it away from the Thunder God, and its game over.

Two, who says Thor would even touch him. He's just about as fast as the Flash!

Three, I'm spending way too much time thinking about this!

Anonymous said...

It doesn't matter how you look at the fight. Namor's stronger faster and has just as much control over sea life as Aquaman.

Here's some other powers Namor has: Flight, a radar sense (it's allowed him to se the invisible woman), and the ability to channel and manipulate electrical energy.

Also in regards to Batman, Reed Richards had what, a couple of nights? He came up with the ultimate nulifier idea.

Batman has that kind of tactile mind to make that gamble and acess to the JLA armory where all the would be universal conqurers weapons are.

So yeah if Richards could beat Galactus by being smart, you HAVE to admit theres an equal possibility Bats could.

Anonymous said...

Reed Richards had a couple of hours from what I remember, and the only reason he came up with the Ultimate Nullifier was that the Watcher told him to go get it. He himself had squat. Hell, if Silver Surfer hadn't delayed Galactus at the crucial stage in the absorption, the nullifier would've been useless anyway as the Earth would be long gone.

In subsequent Galactus encounters, Reed had YEARS to plan ahead and create junk. I doubt Batman would have any of that luxury. I'm with calvin. Batman would be a free-floating body in space.

googum said...

If Superman is vulnerable to magic, as in magic affects him to the same extent as everyone else, then shouldn't a magic-powered hero (like DC's Captain Marvel, or Thor) that's capable of crushing steel, cave in Superman's chest cavity? Shouldn't the first lightning strike in Kingdom Come kill Supes? (If attacked with a magic sword, Superman would bleed, therefore...)

And another productive morning at work!

Anonymous said...

Just a thought:
Maybe Batman's Super Genius is meant to make us all feel a little bit better about Human Ingenuity. After all, isn't it nice to think that with a metric ton of money and a lot of willpower (fulled by psychosis), that we too could do ANYTHING?
Sorry, I'm a chick and therefore not interested in male adolencent power fantasies. Or so they tell me.